Male frustrated with OLD

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2008
Male frustrated with OLD
21
Mon, 06-08-2009 - 11:19pm

Hello,

I'm a member of the other sex who is frustrated with OLD and hoping to get some constructive feedback. Here's the basics: I'm in my mid 30s, have a graduate degree, am employed, have above average looks and build and am located about 25 miles from a major metropolitan area (Chicago). I've never been married and have no kids. I neither misrepresent myself online, nor do I stalk women who don't reply to me. I am on match.com to look for a relationship and not a quick fling.

However, I have become frustrated, and indeed at times somewhat embittered, by my experience with OLD. In the last few weeks I have sent out about 30 emails and haven't gotten a single response. I read every profile before sending out an email, and always mentions items mentioned in the profile as well as what I think are common interests. I don't know if the women on this message board ever initiate communication with men on OLD sites, but I can tell you that from my perspective, it is frustrating to time and time again read a profile, become interested in a women, put effort into writing an interesting email, and then get no response.

I send emails primarily to women in their late 20s and early 30s in Chicago, and my "type" are women who are intelligent, cosmopolitan, well-read and "cute". Maybe I am punching above my weight, and maybe not being in Chicago itself is a factor, but my overwhelming sense is that women in the category get emails every day from men, and as a result have become extremely picky. From my perspective, OLD has been *far* more beneficial to women, has perhaps empowered them too much, and I imagine that in a lot of instances (perhaps I'm wrong) men are probably rejected for arbitrary and whimsical reasons.

I certainly don't think that men should hold all the cards when it comes to courtship. But from my admittedly narrow perspective, it just seems as if OLD is far more beneficial to women, and indeed a waste of time for many men.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Tue, 06-09-2009 - 12:00am

I have general and specific comments.

General: Men supposedly have a hard time getting responses. My now boyfriend only winked at me on match.com because he thought writing an email was a waste of time because he knew I'd never reply to it. Talking to him now, I find out that he'd gotten a bit of unsolicited interest, but really no replies from women he contacted. That seems to be typical, and I think for men, it really is a numbers game.

And yeah, women do reject on arbitrary reasons, simply because there are SO many men to choose from. It tends to breed a made to order thought process in women, which is unfortunate - but of course many, many women tend towards that anyway. You can even see it on this board.

Specifically - I grew up in the far west suburbs, and I think not being in the city is definitely a factor for you - especially since you appear to be looking for Trixies. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but the type of women you describing aren't going to be interested in a suburbanite. Even if you have all their desirable attributes, you have the wrong address.

So the solution? Who knows.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2008
Tue, 06-09-2009 - 7:35am

What are Trixies?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-09-2009 - 10:45am

Yep, it's frustrating for both genders...cute women may get lots of responses but many/most of them are from flakes, players, etc.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2009
Tue, 06-09-2009 - 10:55am

Myself... I very seldom contact the man first. I also tend to not reply to "winks", only emails. I think it's great that you send emails. It shows that you're willing to put time and effort into this process.


Although, saying that, I will be meeting a man this weekend that *I* contacted first (I started getting impatient and was getting emails and winks from men that are living in a dream world. lol.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2008
Tue, 06-09-2009 - 3:47pm

A guy's perspective:


An ordinary rate of return, for a normal guy, on expressions of interest is probably between 1 in 8 and 1 in 20. Obviously,

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2008
Tue, 06-09-2009 - 6:03pm

"From my perspective, OLD has been *far* more beneficial to women, has perhaps empowered them too much, and I imagine that in a lot of instances (perhaps I'm wrong) men are probably rejected for arbitrary and whimsical reasons."


One thought on this observation is that it may be true, at least to an extent, but really only in the initial stage.


That is, it has made it easier for women - or at least some women, and not just a tiny minority either -

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Tue, 06-09-2009 - 6:33pm

You aren't alone in your frustration. I email guys often and very seldom get a response. Men my age (mid 40's) seem to think they deserve a thin, beautiful Barbie Doll. Even if they don't look like it themselves. I read profiles, I know who NOT to send to, I read for red flags, I try not to go too far out of my area, but 20 miles I think is OK. But...nada.

Lately, I have had the all too frequent experience of guys who email me back and forth, ask to meet, I give my number and then they go "poof" into the darkness of night. But they still are on line every day. Shoppers? Married? Jerks? Who knows.

But it is disheartening that people are so mean to one another. If I were to ask someone to meet, I would feel so mean to just poof away, unless all of a sudden I got some weird creepy feeling.

I think OLD leads to way too much "the grass is greener" mentality.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2008
Tue, 06-09-2009 - 7:51pm

For the sake of hard info, a few real statistics. Yes, weird, I know: I keep track. But it's easy on Chemistry.com.


82 - women in whom I've expressed interest (this is over a period of time#
11 - number

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Tue, 06-09-2009 - 9:21pm

I'm impressed with your stats! I think if I did that I would probably want to kill myself!

That being said, I do read profiles pretty thoroughly, mostly because I don't think it's smart to send wildly random e-mails. It is shocking to me how many men, in my area, specify that they want an "athletic and toned", "very attractive" woman. And they aren't all that.

While I, too, would like a very attractive person, I don't think that is the first thing that grabs me...I usually respond more to specific things in a profile, such as a sense of humor or if they are looking for a relationship, not a hook up.

If a guy says he wants to "start as friends", I assume he is looking for something casual, so I don't write.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2008
Wed, 06-10-2009 - 12:04am

The fact that not living in Chicago is a bit frustrating, since I recently moved to my current location to be closer to Chicago.

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