Male/Female Dynamics

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Male/Female Dynamics
12
Sun, 06-18-2006 - 8:36pm

My counselor sent me this response to my question about men whether men need to chase or not. I thought was good so I'm sharing it with you here:

Regarding male/female relationships, I will give you Alan’s perspective. The male ego is much more complex than many would like to portray it. To chase or be chased – I would highly recommend the book, “Love must be tough,” by Dr. James Dobson. In fact, I wish a class would be taught to every High School Freshman using this book. There would be much less trauma associated with dating, and far fewer divorces if everyone understood the dynamics Dr. Dobson elucidates. Not only does it describe interaction in plain-language, it does an exceptional job of explaining the importance of defining and setting boundaries prior to engaging in a relationship. Far too often, I have seen the violation of boundary issues adversely affect relationships.

In essence, one may think of two individuals as a balancing act, trying to maintain a certain distance between themselves. If one advances, the other will retreat. If one advances too quickly, capturing the other, a state of fear/panic will exist, destroying the counterbalance (commonly referred to as “the clinging vine syndrome”). Realizing this, if the one advancing stops and slowly retreats slightly, the other individual will feel a sense of freedom to advance. This dance will gradually decrease in distance until the two meet. Donna and I were older when we met and we met after her husband had died and I had already experienced a divorce. We began as friends, without any expectation of an intimate relationship. Thus, as with friends, there was no chase. Rather, we first became comfortable in our roles as friends, which gradually evolved into more. If you analyze this in context of Dobson, we permitted each other a sense of freedom without expectation.

My personal advice – be comfortable with yourself first. Don’t obsess about being in a relationship for the sake of being two. Far too often our society reinforces the need for pairs. Secondly, establish your boundaries and adhere to them. Under no circumstances become a doormat – you will not respect yourself and neither will they! It will greatly undermine your relationship from the onset.

Take time to build your self-perception and confidence. Develop and nurture friendships. In other words, assess your wants, needs, and desires and assess how to achieve those objectives. Explore life with out expectations. You will find your soul mate. When you meet them, ask yourself not “Is this the one I can live with?” Rather, ask, “Is this the one I can’t live without?” This will save you a lot of heartache and regrets. Life is not simple; life is hard. Make each day a learning experience.

I hope people here find this as helpful as I did.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 2:08pm

Yikes, I'm sorry you had to go through all that! You've posted parts of that before but not the whole story, I don't think.

In addition to being wary of people whose divorces are not yet final, I think the other important lesson to take from this is that people are not necessarily what/how they SEEM to be when you first meet them. It takes at least a good 3-4 months of dating to really even begin to see the "real" person, IMO. That's why it's so important, I think, to keep a sense of healthy skepticism ("yes, he seems great, but only time will tell") for at least the first few months.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 2:40pm

Yes, I know you are right. I have asked for prayers for Mark, his daughter, and for me. I still very much care for him, but so many things would have to change in order for me to consider seeing him again. As I said, I do not think he will stay in this situation, but he needs to start seeing things clearly in order for any positive change to happen.

When this first happened, I was positive I would never consider seeing him again, but you do not want to ever say "never". I'm asking for anyone who believes in a higher power to pray about this. I need to be able to move on but quite honestly it has been hard a lot of days. I have e-mailed a guy I corresponded with last fall--we talked on the phone last year but did not end up meeting due to schedule conflicts. But, so many of these men have so many obstacles in their life. Makes it hard to think that there will be another decent one come along later. :0

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