mama's boy or noble hero

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2003
mama's boy or noble hero
Wed, 10-15-2003 - 2:49pm
I've visited here a few times, but it's been awhile. I took time off from the whole relationship thing but in the last month or so thought I would try antoher swing at the "personal ad" approach online.

so I got repsonses from different guys and weeded through them with a fine tooth comb which ened up with me weeding most of them right into the cyber trash can..with the exception of one guy.

I figured some of my weeding had more to do with me being chicken about that "first date" sort of thing than just their being not my type so I made arrangements to meet this one. I wanted to do it for me more than anything, to help me get past my fears of meeting new people.

We had a good time, but when it came to the "tell me about where you live" he backpeddled some and then told me he "lives with his mother". Ok, this guy is almost 49 and his reasoning is, is that she is feeble and needs help, and that when he got a divorce over 13 years ago his child support payments made living back at home more of a desirable option. He said he has the full basement with all the cooking facilities and he rarely interacts with her except to shop for her and drive her to places she needs to go. In a word, he is the only family member that has stepped in to help her in her old age.

I thought I could jive with that, but then when I told him that I usually just go by my nickname (Tiger) rather than my full name, he mentioned how she might not like that or he said something about her not accepting that...I retorted with "Kurt, you are HOW OLD???" and "Maybe it's time to cut those apron strings".

I think I have my answer on this, cuz, no matter how noble it might be to live with your elderly parents, I think as long as he has been there (the 13 years) that's gotta be, what is the word, a symbiotic relationship? Or a moma's boy complex??

Am I trackin' here? Or is there another side that I might be missing and perhaps I'm being to hasty of a judge?

Thanks in advance!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-15-2003 - 4:09pm
I will not date a man who is living with his parents unless it is very temporary (a few months, while renovations are done or a new place purchased) or an emergency situation. Just totally incompatible with my values of independence and maturity - that it is cheaper is not an emergency situation. If she is feeble and needs assistance, he can live in the same neighborhood and help her out - but I would wonder why she would want him to be at her beck and call - my parents would never want that from me - they want me to live my own life and be independent. I would not see this man again - unless you want to be his mama's girl.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Wed, 10-15-2003 - 4:13pm

I think your instincts are right. I think that it would be great of him if he lived w/her to help her out. But it sounds to me like it's the other way around - he lives there so she can support him. He made you dig around before he admitted where he lives - that suggests to me that he is embarrassed about the situation and thus has less than noble intentions re: mom. Also, the fact that he cares what his mom thinks about your nickname is telling - I can't imagine something like that even crossing my mind! Maaaaaybe if the nickname was really vulgar - otherwise, it wouldn't even occur to me to consider what my parents would think.

Just my two cents. I should add, though, that if you aren't sure what you think of his living situation - never hurts to give him another chance. If he is truly a mama's boy, then he will soon show it in other ways and you will have no doubts.


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2003
Sat, 10-25-2003 - 1:29am
I think it's a little strange for the guy to say she wouldn't aprove of your nickname on the first date. I mean, what was he thinking?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 10-27-2003 - 10:43pm
mama's boy for sure!