Married friend with benefits

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2009
Married friend with benefits
Tue, 07-21-2009 - 10:36am

I'm 50 years old, divorced last year after a cold, lifeless 22 year marriage to a man who has control issues. I've never been big on divorce, I'm 2500 miles away from family and friends (no support group) and years of criticism made mefeel pretty darn bad about myself.

Lightbulb moment.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Tue, 07-21-2009 - 11:03am

Well no one needs to tell you what's wrong with being with a married man, regardless of the reality of how bad his marriage is. I mean if she was somehow "Ok" with him having a FWB and/or if they had an open marriage, that's different. It is always possible he is not telling you the truth about their marriage, as in maybe he could be making it out to be his wifes fault they are not physical when he could have some serious flaws as well.

"At least with the married guy, I can be sure that it won't go anywhere. That he will put the brakes on."

I don't think you can necessarily say this with certainty. You could absolutely fall for him and he could fall for you as well and things could get out of hand. Maybe they are on the road to divorce anyway, but maybe they are not. If things blew up you could party to a lot of pain for his wife and could you live with that?

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Tue, 07-21-2009 - 11:31am

Hmmm, I would say that if you have successfully had a FWB situation in the past, that perhaps you could handle it. However, I think it is easy to say, "Oh, this won't go anywhere, I can handle it," before you begin something, but as soon as sex enters the picture, you are playing with fire. My thought is, if you want a FWB, there are plenty of single commitment-phobic men who I am sure would oblige you.

I don't really think you want a FWB though. You speak so achingly about wanting what I would consider a real relationship, not "just sex." Wanting to feel special, etc. How "special" will you feel when he gets up to go home to his wife? This is not meant to be judgmental, just food for thought.

I am 55 and have been divorced for a long time and like you, it's been a long time for me. I had an opportunity earlier this year to end the drought, but in the end, I just didn't have enough feelings for this man--I didn't really want a relationship with him, and I knew that having sex with him would complicate things enormously. But then, I've always wanted "the whole enchilada"--sex in a committed relationship.

I think we are very vulnerable after a divorce or break up, and it takes time to sort out our feelings and to not overreact. I think you're doing the right thing being in the singles group and doing OLD. I would encourage you to give it more time, and wait for a more suitable man to come along--at least, a single man. Believe me, it's like riding a bicycle--you'll know where your nose is supposed to go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2009
Tue, 07-21-2009 - 1:06pm

He called it a 'friends with benefit' situation. He's got an on again/off again relationship with wife . . sometimes separated, sometimes not. He's interested in developing a friendship with someone of the opposite sex which may later include sex. Except for the married part, it appears to be a FWB situation. I would be interested in a regular FWB situation with someone who isn't married.

I've been on two online dating sites - no one is interested in me. I haven't received an email message from one normal man - not one. I'm your average 50 year old although I probably look 47. I'm average size and a regular at the gym. There's nothing outstanding looking about me, but I'm not ugly. You wouldn't be embarrassed to be seen in public with me. I dress well and keep current hairstyle/makeup. I have one 42 year old girlfriend who wouldn't hesitate to tell me if I needed a makeover; she's big on telling people that.

I don't like the idea of younger men; I had one 32 and one 37 year old contact me late at night while I was online. From what I can tell some 50+ year old men are dating 25-35 year olds; some are so bitter about their divorce they see any attempt you make to date them as your way of getting them to provide you with a 'free lunch' and taking financial advantage of them, then there are those men who aren't interested in making the effort who don't want to go out unless its to a happy hour but if you'd like to sit on the sofa and hang out with them all day . . . , and finally, there's that small pool of men who are actually interested in dating age appropriate women.

If I had found someone to begin a relationship a different way, I would have. But, I have to wonder if my lack of sexual confidence is somehow making me turn any man who talks to me into a friend rather than a potential date or lover. I seem to be collecting a lot of male friends that want to go out and do things with me, but there's no touching or flirting. Most of them date others and although they don't share info about their dates with me, they let me know that they are dating. I'm afraid to flirt much after the initial few minutes of meeting them because they don't seem to be that interested. I'm just everyone's friend.

I'm not desperate. I don't act desperate. No one I know has a clue I haven't had a sex in 8 years or not been on a date since I was divorced. I'm friendly and nice to all the men I meet. Desperate would take me to Las Vegas or some neighboring town where I could have a one night stand.

How long have you ever gone without affection or sex or even kisses? Any whereclose to8 years? I've waited long enough.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-21-2009 - 9:23pm

Believe me, there is no shortage of

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2008
Tue, 07-21-2009 - 11:06pm

My take, if you can bear to sit through the ramblings of someone who's entirely the wrong gender to know what he's talking about:

Having sex in response to self-esteem issues - in order to prove to yourself that you're still attractive or whatever - is a bad idea. Although that may not be 100% of your motivation, it sounds like it's something more than 0%.

Among other things, the all-too-common scenario is: woman has sex with guy who's just looking for a fling; she feels cheerful, happy, on top of things. She does the same thing with the same guy again. Nice. She call him a few days later. He doesn't return her message. E-mails messages are ignored. She winds up feeling worse, about herself and the world generally, than she did at the start.

Okay, that's an oversimplification, but it's a basic scenario that often plays out, if not in such a bald-faced form.

If you want to ignore that: as for the practical aspects, the post directly above seems entirely correct to me. If you advertise for a "casual encounter," you will recieve dozens, perhaps hundreds, of "applications," from which you can choose the one who appeals to you. There are a a number of reasons to avoid married guys, including both the moral and the practical.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2006
Wed, 07-22-2009 - 1:40pm
I think you've already gotten some good advice here so far, but you might want to check out the My Affair Support


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Thu, 07-23-2009 - 9:36am

Oh, Muffin, I hear you, I really do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2008
Thu, 07-23-2009 - 2:43pm

You dont need need a life.

Do not "practice" with this man....IMHO sleeping with a married man, no matter how loveless he claims his marriage just tacky. Ive BTDT and Im not to happy that I did.

Dont get ahead of yourself...get on a couple more sites, ask your single friends if they know a nice man, put yourself out there and you will find someone.

It took me 3 years of OLD to find (and marry) Mr. Right.