? on Match, the "do not drink" answer ..

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
? on Match, the "do not drink" answer ..
23
Sat, 07-22-2006 - 12:07pm

Maybe its b/c of my background - & please, I dont mean to offend ANYone here. But guys who write that they "do not drink alcohol", scare the hell out of me.


Why? Mostly b/c to me it means they are very likely a recovering/sober alcoholic.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Sat, 07-22-2006 - 2:52pm

When I read "don't drink alcohol" I worry more about religious fundamentalism than about recovering alcoholics. That reflects the part of the country where I live. Here in the Bible Belt it's not unusual to get a lecture about The Evils of Drink from someone at a party. (It's only amusing when they are drunk. But that's another topic.)

However, my Ex "doesn't drink alcohol" for health reasons. He is not an alcoholic (never liked to drink) and he is an atheist. So it is a mistake to assume that we know the reason for someone not drinking.

A fair number of my friends are recovering alcoholics. They are no more manipulative and dysfunctional than friends who have never had drinking problems. Alcoholism is only one of many possible ways in which people can be dysfunctional.

Be that as it may, I think that you are right to avoid people whose profiles make you feel that you could not trust them (or yourself with them) and/or that you couldn't like them. We all have things we are/are not looking for. You do not need to be ashamed of your own preferences/concerns.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Sat, 07-22-2006 - 2:58pm

My comments -

Yeah, I skip men who put "I don't drink alcohol" as well. I never honestly thought of the alcoholic part, but I'm tired of men criticizing me because I like to have a glass of wine at dinner. To me, that is a HUGE deal. I don't apologize about how I live my life and I don't change my life for a man. And yes, that means I'm not going to stop having a glass of wine or a cocktail at dinner because a man thinks that alcohol is evil and wrong. I also enjoy wine tasting (and Napa!) and do so responsibly (that means I rarely even get buzzed).

Actually, this is something I'm pretty passionate about since a stopped communicating with a man who was perfect in every way except that he doesn't drink. Not only did he not drink, he told me that he wouldn't even be friends with an alcoholic (me, apparently). For the slightest moment, I thought about just not drinking anymore, but it's part of who I am. I don't get drunk, I don't drink and drive, and no man is telling me to stop.

So yeah, those are my thoughts.







Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-22-2006 - 3:17pm

I can understand that, but I guess I would just say that not everyone who doesn't drink has a problem with people who do drink (at least in moderation) or would presume to tell them not to drink! I have no problem being around someone who enjoys a glass of wine or two with dinner, and I go out to bars/clubs where people are drinking all the time because I enjoy live music and many of the bands I like play in clubs.

So I would hope that someone reading my profile wouldn't automatically assume that I would have a problem dating someone who did drink in moderation.

Sheri

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 07-22-2006 - 9:54pm

It seems like you answered your own question. It sounds that there is a lot of fear in being in any sort of relationship with men who have an alcohol addiction problem, past or present and do not want to take any chance to be in that situation again.

It seems that based on the innocuous checkbox of the person's drinking habits can triggered your fears, then pay attention to those fears and move on. I don't think it is fair for you or for him if you try to create a relationship waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2005
Sun, 07-23-2006 - 12:46am

I check the "no drink" box myself. But it's really quite simple: I don't like the taste of alcohol. I'm also allergic to it.

Did you even consider that might be the case? Not everyone appreciates a drink. I don't even like coffee!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Sun, 07-23-2006 - 8:50am

I don't think it's fair to think that just because a guy checks off a no-drinking box that he's a recovering alcoholic or a religious person. I know many guys who would say they're not drinkers and it's not for the reasons assumed... Just wanted to add my 2 cents.


Kerry

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 1:15am
I put non-drinker on my profile. I am religious, but I still believe alcohol has it's place, admittedly a small one I think. Even though I don't like alcohol personally, I don't fault others who do. However, the term "social drinker" is about as malleable as a marshmallow. Some people think that means every night, some once-a-week, others only on special occasions, etc. I prefer it when a man puts he doesn't drink. I think I could date a reformed alcoholic. I have before in fact. It's these guys who put social drinker who are really alcoholics that bother me. Just my two cents.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2004
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 9:47am

Hi all

I tend to just lurk here, have posted once or twice. I did find the need to post this time. With all do respect to every poster, I am not sure that Rebecca was asking our thoughts on whether or not her thoughts and beliefs were right or wrong, just stating the reasons behind having them.(It is a given fact that we all have dealbreakers for us and it up to us alone to decide what they are and why) (forgive me if I was wrong in my assumption). I think what you wanted was a solution to how to bring up the "don't drink at all" early enough to find out the reason for it without appearing as though it was a must know question before continuing. I tend to offer a game of 20 questions immediately, The reply gives the answer and opens a little of conversation. If an email comes back with just a one word answer then I can tell right off that this person may have trouble being a good conversationalist (and this is something that is important to me). The first one word reply I will let slide but kind of lose any interest when the second one comes through especially after I know I have already answered the first question with a little of explanation to my answer. I hate trying to respond to an email that says "Tell me about yourself", I find it more fun my way. My first two questions are easy. 1) Do you want to play twenty questions, consisting of "Which would you pick and why..." 2) Coffee or tea? 3) Sunrise or Sunset? 4)Ice cold beer or a nice glass of wine?...and then based on the answer to this one leads to the next question(s). Personally, I enjoy my favorite kind of drink but also know when I go out I never have more than one, I have plenty of fun with out it but do enjoy the taste, but always switch to non-alcoholic drinks. (I am the only one that has control of me, and I need to always stay in control) I have no problem dating a person that knows what their limit is, if their intention when drinking is to always get drunk or if they can't ever do anything unless alcohol is involved in the activity then not someone for me. I have dealt with my share of alcholics in my lifetime. I don't hold it against them but also don't want to be with one the rest of my life, not even a recovering one. I am at a very good place in my life, I know what I want or don't want, I don't have too many dealbreakers, but there is no doubt in my mind or theirs when I come across one of those dealbreakers. I most always give someone at least a chance of a coffee meet if they make it through all twenty questions but usually to stay in the game they need to keep my interest to question 4 or 5 and if they do then by questions 8 or 9, there has been enough exchange between us that they ask "When can I meet you where we can finish the rest of the questions in person?" And if they do say this, some of their reasons have consisted of, This is taking too long (impatience?)-I will put off the meeting a little longer just to see where we end up, I can't decide (indecisive?)-These type don't usually make it through too far--I make enough decisions everyday of my life for me and my kids I don't want to have to for another person again, melted my heart when one said, that they were dieing for the chance to meet the person behind my words (who by the way not only got the coffee meet but quite a few other dates after that, he and I still email everyday and are still playing twenty questions but the questions are a little more personal now. It does keep us going in between the times that both of our schedules finally work out that we can actually have a date. Just my thoughts for the day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 10:25am

I met someone from match who didn't drink at all because of various medications he was on for depression and epilepsy. But he put "social drinker" on his profile because he said women would be turned off otherwise, thinking he was either real religious or a recovering alcoholic. And judging by this discussion, I can see why he thought that.

I drink socially but have had no trouble dating non-drinkers. Of course, no one has tried to lecture me, or he'd be history.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 10:35am

Must be the week of non drinkers, I had another date last night that doesn't like tea, coffee or alcohol - doesn't like the taste he said. I think he's adorable and we're going out Tuesday.

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