Match profile shows activity

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2007
Match profile shows activity
10
Thu, 11-19-2009 - 1:05pm

I met my boyfriend in May from match.com, and we've been dating exclusively since June. Things have progressed very well, he spends all his free time with me (when he's not working, which he does quite a bit), and asked me to join him in New Orleans when his parents visit from Sweden.

I receive tons of "Love is on sale" emails from Match, and I logged in (my profile is not visible) to disable them. Out of curiosity, I typed in his username and saw he had accessed his account 5 days ago. I will assume he wasn't trolling for babes and that he either got emailed and was curious, or was like me and trying to adjust his settings, but it still upset me. I would like to ask him to take it down, but I also don't like that I have to ask him - what motive can there be for him having it visible still? If he took the effort to login, he can take the effort to make it invisible. Should I just confront him with my feelings and ask him to take it down, or should I consider some more upsetting possibilities for why his profile would still be up?

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Thu, 11-19-2009 - 3:04pm

You say you've been dating exclusively since June. Is this something you both agreed on, or is this something you are just assuming because you spend so much time together? If you've both agreed to be exclusive, it seems to me that you'd both just cancel your accounts. Why on earth would anyone want to continue with OLD for one more minute than they had too? ;-)

I have heard of match keeping profiles visible even when the person has cancelled, so it's possible that is what has happened. If you indeed have agreed to be exclusive, then I would definitely have a talk with your boyfriend. I would first approach it as if there has been some snafu on match's end, explain that you went in to change your account, and explain what you discovered. Hopefully, it's just some silly mistake.

OTOH, if you haven't really agreed to be exclusive, then that's a different sort of issue. This would be a perfect time to have a "where is this relationship going" type discussion, and I think that after 5 months of dating this is appropriate. At any rate, I'd definitely talk to him about it and not stew and imagine all the possibilities.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2009
Thu, 11-19-2009 - 3:18pm

Out of curiosity, I typed in his username and saw he had accessed his account 5 days ago. I will assume he wasn't trolling for babes and that he either got emailed and was curious, or was like me and trying to adjust his settings, but it still upset me.


What were you curious about that gave you the urge to check his profile? Do you have reason to doubt he is as invested in the relationship as you? I see this as a great opportunity to talk about what expectations both of you have in the relationship.


Rather than being upset, why don't you just be honest with him? Tell him that you logged on to change your settings, looked at his profile and noticed he was online recently.


Then you can say, I'm asking because I'm perfectly happy in our relationship

Don't hold to anger, hurt or pain. They steal your energy and keep you from love.       ~Anonymous
 &nb

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2007
Thu, 11-19-2009 - 3:45pm
What were you curious about that gave you the urge to check his profile? Do you have reason to doubt he is as invested in the relationship as you? I see this as a great opportunity to talk about what expectations both of you have in the relationship.



If I'm being 100% honest, it's probably subconscious insecurity due to how infrequently we see each other (all weekend when he has normal work hours, and a couple hours a week when he has to work on a big release for work). Checking his profile wasn't my intention when I logged in, but I'm guessing that blip of insecurity did the damage. I do trust him not to cheat on me, but it's hard to gauge how emotionally invested he is at times.



We had a mutual agreement to be exclusive, and the relationship seems to be progressing at a normal pace. We both, from a philosophical standpoint, see marriage and kids in each of our future's. His parents/friends know who I am (his mom asks him for pictures of me), he has a key to my house and a drawer in my dresser.



Rather than being upset, why don't you just be honest with him? Tell him that you logged on to change your settings, looked at his profile and noticed he was online recently.



Then you can say, I'm asking because I'm perfectly happy in our relationship and I'm so glad it's progressing but wanted to see how you feel about things. Is it going in the direction or at a pace that works for you? Are you happy seeing only me?



I think this is what I'm working myself up to, but "Are you happy seeing only me?" seems to be a leading question, and doesn't encompass a shade of grey of "happy to be with me, but maybe curious about what else is out there." Plus, as soon as I saw the "Active 5 days ago" my stomach went into upheaval - it was a visceral reaction I couldn't control, and it's been shaky ever since.



I'm trying to find the balance between "it was an innocuous act and I should treat it as such" and "this is a red flag and I should treat it as such."
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2009
Thu, 11-19-2009 - 3:59pm

I think this is what I'm working myself up to, but "Are you happy seeing only me?" seems to be a leading question, and doesn't encompass a shade of grey of "happy to be with me, but maybe curious about what else is out there."

Don't hold to anger, hurt or pain. They steal your energy and keep you from love.       ~Anonymous
 &nb

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2007
Thu, 11-19-2009 - 5:28pm
I'm a big fan of 'trust your gut'. Look at the whole picture...how he acts, what he says, what he doesn't say and how the three jive (or don't). You may not have a good way of bringing it up that won't make him wonder about your insecurity. But on the other hand, if he's sincerely commited to the relationship, you should be able to bring it up and he should be fine with your having asked...and then proceed to tell you that he's totally happy with you. period.




This is sound advice - thank you! I will probably bring it up the next time he's not coming off an 80-hour work week, when he's not so stressed out. I'll let you know how it goes.

Thanks too, to the other poster who responded - I'm relieved that it is somewhat ambiguous to other people, too, and no immediate responses of "You're a stalker!" or "Dump him!"
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2009
Thu, 11-19-2009 - 8:42pm

I'm relieved that it is somewhat ambiguous to other people, too.


Online dating brings a whole new dimension to relationships, doesn't it? I mean...both of you had your faces and your best foot out there for everyone to see. Our profiles are designed to attract attention, especially the way Match works. You can search even if you don't currently have an active subscription.


I haven't been on Match for almost two years, but I still get those weekly e-mails with a list of smiling guys who Match says are "perfect for me." It can become addictive when you're new at it--hence, has anyone looked at me lately?

Don't hold to anger, hurt or pain. They steal your energy and keep you from love.       ~Anonymous
 &nb

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2009
Sun, 11-29-2009 - 12:05pm
Just talk about it in the open-let him know. communication is the answer to these problems sometimes, no? :-)
All the best anyway,
Liz
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2007
Tue, 01-05-2010 - 6:55pm
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Edited 6/18/2010 2:10 pm ET by lmk1707
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009
Thu, 01-07-2010 - 12:03am

Scarey!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2006
Sat, 01-09-2010 - 2:39pm

Don't think you're a stalker and don't think you should automatically dump him. Definitely agree that some of the "rules", if you will, of dating have changed since the advent of internet and OLD.

But just curious.... has he canceled his account and has he hidden his profile? Has he ever been on other dating sites?

fwiw- on Match - when you cancel your subscription, you also have to manually hide your profile so people can't see it. And if your profile was hidden and you renew or update your profile, it automatically becomes unhidden, until you manually hide it again.

zjaney