Maybe a relationsip really isn't
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Maybe a relationsip really isn't
| Sat, 07-02-2005 - 11:12am |
worth it.
Recent events have made me think really hard about whether or not I think a relationship is worth it. I enjoy my freedom, I enjoy doing what I want when I want to, I am starting to seriously think that I want a relationship because it is what I *should* want. Ever since I started dating when I was younger I have always been in a LTR, now that I have been single for a year and a half I think maybe I might not want a serious relationship anymore. Do you think that wanting an LTR is hardwired in us and maybe that is why we are looking for one? Can you guys tell me why you want to be in a serious committed relationship?

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Great post, thanks gal!
I've really "got it going" in my life, but there is one area that is lacking something. The urge to pair off is just in me. If that's what you consider 'hard-wired' then that's what I am.
I like many many things about having a bf: his clothes (especially his t-shirts, which I've taken from him), his goofiness, his body, going out on the town together, having a few laughs, complimenting him and watching him preen, his simple way of looking at life, and of course that amazing "can-do" attitude of men that is such a turn on.
The beauty of being over 40 in terms of boyfriends is that I am experienced enough not to let a relationship take over my life, like I did when I was in my 20s. I have learned how to have my cake and eat it too.
The challenge, of course, is finding a guy who wants a 46 year old cake.
Great topic!
For me, I feel there's something missing without a love in my life. I'm happy overall--I love being single, enjoy the ability to just be free, love the fact that I have no one to answer for. But I also know that in the long run, I want someone to share my life with, have a child with and live the days together. Now if I don't find that, I believe I can be happy. But I'd prefer to find it, you know what I mean?
I have to say that I agree with you, gal. I'm perfectly happy with my life & being single. I'm late 20's & already have a child. I wonder if that makes a difference? If you already have children, you don't have that biological urge (or at least not as strong). I don't know what your particular situation is...
Relationships are a lot of work & I wonder if they are ultimately worth it as well. Maybe I'm just lazy! :)
I think part of what you're saying is that single people feel pressure to seek out a LTR regardless of what they may or may not be looking for. I do feel like that's dead on. I know for myself, I only have 1 single friend & she's 5 years younger than myself. And it certainly doesn't help my view of LTR or marriage, the fact that my friends constantly complain about their relationships or seem like they are tied down. i.e. Have to ask permission to go somewhere, yada, yada, yada. Of course, that's not to say that I haven't had good examples of relationships are supposed to be like; it's just that it's so rare.
I have read that there is a growing group of women over the age of 40 that have already been married; that are currently divorced or are widowed that choose to remain single. They are loving their single lives & they live much happier. So I do believe there is some validity to being happy & single. But there is something to be said about "Been there, done that!" :)
As for myself, right now, I'm just interested in going out & having fun with a guy. Just dating & enjoying life!
I do, however, think that no matter how happy I am with my single life, that if the right guy came along, it could change my mind about being "eternally single."
My first OLD had this in his profile: "the best relationships bring freedom, not restriction."
You say "I enjoy my freedom, I enjoy doing what I want when I want to" etc which is great! Sometimes romantic-type relationships do limit your autonomy a bit. But when you WANT to share your life & time & interests with another person, and experience theirs as well, and when THEY want the same thing... then it seems to me that giving up a *bit* of your me-time in exchange for we-time is a very worthwhile trade.
singlmom: "And it certainly doesn't help my view of LTR or marriage, the fact that my friends constantly complain about their relationships or seem like they are tied down. i.e. Have to ask permission to go somewhere, yada, yada, yada." Bleccch. I say that bites. All you should really have to do or expect from a partner, is the courtesy of letting each other know where you're going to be & when to expect you back. Asking permission is for parents, bosses etc, not partners.
Biology & procreation aside, we are social animals and we thrive in family/friend/group/tribe/community structures. The smallest unit of which is pair bonding. We want reliable companionship and support and affection. We accomplish more working together than any individual can on their own.
I want to buy a well-built but ugly house and fix it up nice... repaint, build a deck, do some gardening/landscaping etc. I'd do it on my own but I'd highly prefer to have someone to do it with! I want to plan for a long and prosperous retirement full of travel & adventure and have someone to enjoy it with. Friends and family are great but there's just that something extra building the life you dream of with a truly compatible spouse/life partner who wants the same things... or makes you think outside your own ideas to mesh 2 sets of ideas together.
I figured I'm totally fine on my own, but to find a partner would be a great bonus! And I decided I was NOT going to settle for anything less than the best. Someone who is "really great except for..." is not good enough. And yes, it can be hard to find someone who meets all your "must-have" criteria but *I* happen to believe that it's all about being in the right place at the right time with the right attitude, and with the necessary life experience and skills and lessons learned to prepare you for creating and maintaining a healthy relationship. Finding Mr/Ms Right doesn't do any good if you haven't learned basic communication or creative conflict resolution.
Yes relationships do take work... but IMO should never feel like a chore. The "work" of relationships is a labor of love with the most valuable rewards. The "sacrifice" of making a commitment to one person is not a sacrifice at all, it is willingly letting go of the previous phase of your life to make way for a new and better one.

MSWell put, PM. I couldn’t say it better myself. Of course not, with my poor English.
But seriously, that's exactly how I feel too. Although I am content on my own and so happy to have my daughter, I know what a difference the right man could bring.
“Finding Mr/Ms Right doesn't do any good if you haven't learned basic communication or creative conflict resolution.”
So true.. I know I still have to work on the communication issue. Also, I’ve just realized that I might be a bit over-protective with my daughter, when it comes to dating.
Great post.
reading your post really brought up a lot of thoughts and emotions in me...I have been officially (divorced) single over a year now (much longer w/ being seperated pre divorce) and the year(s) has had ups and downs. One thing I realized was how much I really did/do enjoy not having to "answer" to anyone other than myself, not having to consider anyone elses opinions other than my own has been great :-) But you know what else? I know for a fact that I do not want to end life alone. I want to watch someone's life and have them watch mine as we grow old together, have kid, grandkids and build our own traditions, our own family. I do not want to sit around wondering why? why am I doing this? whats the point of it all? Having a partner gives you a validation on life that you cannot create on your own, cannot give to yourself. I am 100% a person on my own and do not feel that "I have to have" a partner to be happy. I am happy; I love myself and my life. I know that if I never met someone I would be happy. Fortunately (for me at least) I did meet someone that is absolutely the most fabulous person I have ever met in my entire life! Being with my b/f, having this fabulous relationship with him that is beyond even what I thought would be a great relationship, there is such an added dimension to life that I never even knew was there. There is an extra sparkle to everything and it just makes life amazing. I am beyond happy and it is just great. I know I have found the person I am going to spend the ret of my life with and that is a great feeling. I will add, I think it is something you figure out on your own and in your own time. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to be in a LTR. Ultimately you decide what is right and best for you; listen to what you are telling yourself and follow that, don't worry about what anyone else may think.
best of luck,
J
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