Maybe they're right, but I just can't
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Maybe they're right, but I just can't
| Sat, 10-28-2006 - 10:39am |
So I've put my profile back up on Yahoo personals because I'm just not having much luck with the guys I'm meeting in real life or the ones on Myspace. I am not a paying member on Yahoo yet though.


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I could have written your post almost verbatim. I also know about the attraction factor. I am not looking for a Tom Cruise lookalike either. I have gotten a couple messages from Yahoopersonals recently. One is a local guy (no picture) and the other one is a farmer who lives about an hour away. He has a photo, but I cannot say that I think there is any physical attraction by his photo. I understand about the judging a book by its cover. But, I also take into account other factors in that the farmer guy probably owns a farm, and I am simply not wanting a commute to Iowa (I live near the Iowa/MO border). I tried dating a guy who lived close to the same place that this guy lives, and I think the distance is always going to be a factor for both parties involved. Add to it that physically the guy is not very attractive to me, well, it just seems like a bigger gamble than I want to take by even responding to him.
Right now I am very confused and let down that the local guy (here in town, who also farms) has not been at our usual restaurant in several weeks. I feel like he is avoiding me. Maybe he does not have the guts to face me if he has not broken things off with this other gal he was seeing off/on. Then again, maybe he has decided he does not want to get involved with me. I honestly had a lot of hopes with this guy. He was attractive, grew up in the same county I grew up in and went to the same school (although he was several years older than me and I had no recollection of him in school). He and his Dad also knew my Dad; there was a bit of "history" there--not like going out with a stranger or starting with nothing in common. I keep thinking if I cannot interest a local guy who has that much in common with me AND originally "acted" interested in me, I don't have a snowball's chance in hell of making it work with someone online I do not know and who doesn't even live nearby. I honestly do not have the gumption or desire to jump back into the online dating scene. Maybe I should hide my profile again. I don't know. I just know that my self-esteem with this whole process is about a minus zero once again.
Keep us posted on things. Stacey, I think you are a very nice looking gal. I would think you would have all kinds of guys after you, especially since you go to the dance clubs and night spots. I do not consider myself a knockout by any means, but I have been told that I am nice looking and have a good personality, BUT things just never work out for me. I am starting to think that I am cursed once again. :0
Aw, thanks mitsy.
I understand where you're coming from. Why should you waste your time trying to force feelings for someone you're not attracted to? And why should you waste his time? I broke up with someone a few months ago. I've been on a couple of dates since then, but I wasn't attracted to either guy. They were both really nice, but just not what I was looking for. For me, I'm either attracted to someone right away or I never will be. Feelings of attraction don't usually develop over time as far as I'm concerned. Maybe I'm being picky too. I have been accused of that. Currently, I'm trying to be content with being single. Some days, I even convince myself that I am. Then there are those days when I think about my ex and his new relationship and wonder what she has that I don't have. I'm thinking about trying online dating again, but I just don't know if I'm up for it. I've met a few guys online that I exchanged e-mails with for a while, but I've never actually met any of them in person.
I don't see anything wrong with not responding to guys who don't appeal to you. I think it's stupid for people to tell you take advantage of the free dinners. They're not free if you're spending the evening with someone you don't like. I'd rather buy my own dinner than go through that. As for guys who could potentially become "good friends", most guys I know aren't looking for a friend, and when they are, they usually have some other agenda.
You know how alot of times guys post really fantastic pictures and then in real life they're not anywhere near as handsome or attractive as what the picture let on?
I think it goes both ways.
I met a guy once who had three pics posted. One wasn't really a close up however the pic reflected a fun and somewhat good looking guy. THe other two pics . . . UGHHHHH nothing even close to what I'm normally attracted to . . . he looked chubby, wasn't smiling, and just didn't look great to me.
But I met him and OMG He was such a DOLL !! More handsome than I ever could have anticipated and his smile when close up was phenomenal. He was in good shape, blah blah blah basically had the "total look" that I am normally attracted to.
Had I judged on the two crappy pictures (which likely would have happened had he not posted the one good one of him) . . . I may not have met him.
Sometimes people think a pic of them is good - - but it's not. . .
In these pics of guys - - try to picture them (smiling if they're not) (outside if the pic is just a webcam) (with/without baseball hat) . . . differently if that makes any sense.
I mean really - how often do we as women moan and groan over how we never look good in pics ??
And . . you don' thave to committ to a full fledged dinner with the ones your unsure of - - - coffee or drinks - - something that you can make quick if needed . . .
How many times have we wished we weren't judged on pics alone?!?
Not to mention haven't you ever had a great first date, going along feeling nearly euphoric, and thinking this could really be something to realize after a few more dates "what was I thinking?!?" Well wouldn't you consider that the reverse is true... think about it: you have a so-so date, maybe you were both nervous, or maybe there wasn't an instant physical attraction or he's not your usual type, but if you actually spent time getting to know the personality and interests of that person, & find out you are compatible, that the person would now seem to be more attractive after that?
If we continue to make snap judgements about people, why would we expect others to not make snap judgements against us? Think of all the time and energy a healthy relationship takes to keep, wouldn't you put a fraction of that energy into starting a potential relationship?
Okay, I'm off my soapbox now, ha!
Hi Flaloa . . .
I agree - - - perhaps my rambling made my thoughts unclear - - I know I spoke of how pictures often don't reflect the real person . . . and I've had friends fall madly in love wth men who are SOOO NOT their type (who if they were to browse them online they'd never have met these guys but having met them in real life they find some magnetic quality) . . .
Attraction is initially a "looks" thing - - which is very unfortunate and if you read my posts in the latter half of "revealing a disability" you'd understand my position . . .
But I've learned from past experience that Pictures are probably 95% of the time not truly reflective of the person. They're either really good or really bad.
Pick a person up out of the picture and set them across a table from you with a couple drinks and some laughs . . . they may in fact become VERY good looking to you where they may have in a picture not been attractive to you at all . . .
I totally agree. MOST of the people that i get contacted by i have no interest in based on their picture...then there are people who's pics i've liked then i havent liked their profile. It seems that when a good looking person with a good profile contacts me, either he stops conversing with me all of a sudden (which admittedly I've done to people) or we meet and there's nothing there...I am actually feeling pretty down tonight. I did talk to a guy on the phone who called me at 8 and asked if i wanted to get together. I just felt tired and didnt want to go out...it's like hello we havent even met yet and you're callng to go out? I'm NOT that picky or up tight, what what the hell...seriously folks this is draining...I dont know what's better having no options in terms of online dating, or being disappointed by the options. It's so hard to give up on this because i soo want a relationship at this point in my life. I dont know why people say dating is fun...for me it isnt. I thought it would be fun dating lots of different people, but it's not. For me it keeps being a let down. I either dont like them or the 2 that i have liked (didnt even like them that much) they pretty much blew me off. I already dont have the worlds greatest self esteem...i guess i thought i'd try online dating and meet quite a few people that id connect with. I almost feel like it's BS right now. I am tired of being deceived by people's pictures...so many of the people who i've met just arent what they seemed to be by the pic. OLD is making me feel pretty pathetic right now...i soo dont want to be that desperate person...but i am so sick of being single. I said in another post that i'm not renewing and i'm not...but i admit that it's disappointing to not want to renew you know? Of course I'd like to say that this is working out and that i'm meeting all sorts of great people. But i am once again feeling like, well maybe the people i'm interested in just will never find someone like me interesting and are out of my league...i hate to sound shallow, but i am not going to settle for someone who i find unattractive or not someoen i feel excited about...
Well this is getting long...I think you get my point. Why is finding a relationship so easy for some people? Im hearing about so many weddings lately...and it's all from people who have been together since they were in college or just out...am i undesirable at 28? Am i past my dating prime? Lol, seriously...i am feeling like that...especially when i look at the profiles of guys my age and they all want 19-27 year olds. You know what else really irritated me? A while back i took some guts and contacted a guy. He wrote back and he was even like, wow it sounds like we have a lot in common, yada yada. All of a sudden i stopped hearing from him. I randomly looked at what he was looking for and for hair color he had put, BLONDE. Now i know we all have our preferences, but if are someoen who has decided to do onling dating and you put that for about your mate, all you want is a blonde? well good luck to them...i cant imagine what would happen if i limited myself to that. I am just thankful that i'm not THAT picky. It really sort of irriatated me though i guess...because if this is how shallow men are in terms of looks...well then no wonder so many struggle with finding a mate.
I've personally never had that experience of not being at least somewhat attracted to a person, and then having them become attractive to me as I get to know them. I've heard of it happening, but it's just never happened to me (and believe me, I've tried). There has to be at least SOME attraction there for me from the start, or it's just not going to happen.
I'm willing to give people the benefit of the doubt that perhaps their photo isn't the best, but you have to have SOMETHING to go on. If the person isn't your type, why waste your time or theirs?
I expect people to make snap judgments about me based on my photo and profile, so that's why I make them the best they can be, but not everyone is going to be attracted to me. People do the same thing in real life. It doesn't really bother me...that's just the way it is.
Sheri
Could you post the guys' Yahoo IDs/names so I (as a guy) know what you are talking about as "unattractive?"
Mark
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