To Meet or Not to Meet

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2009
To Meet or Not to Meet
10
Thu, 08-13-2009 - 1:45am

So I've been exchanging e-mail and a couple of phone calls with this guy, and he has suggested that we get together on Friday evening. I am undecided because:

1. It's in the evening, not the afternoon. (I prefer first meets to be in the afternoon. And yes, I told him so, but evening works better for him.)

2. The place he proposes to meet is almost an hour away from my house. (There is a reason--the place is the best jazz bar in the area, and there are no jazz bars near where I live.)

3. He is a bit full of himself, and I am wondering if I will enjoy his company.

On the other hand,

A. I like the jazz bar he suggested we meet in, and I haven't been there in a long time. It might be fun to go again.

B. He is intelligent and a good talker. I've enjoyed most of our exchanges (except when he mentions his ex, but I discussed that elsewhere).

C. I don't have a lot of dates. Even if I end up deciding I don't want to go out with him again (or he ends up deciding he doesn't want to go out with me again), the evening could be fun. I mean, jazz music, a couple of drinks, two people who share some interests and have had good e-mail and phone communication. Why not?

I'm probably just being picky when it worries me that he didn't listen to my preference for a daytime meeting or express concern about the distance I'd be driving. Living in the south spoils you for certain little courtesies, but this guy is not from the south.

One way or another, I need to decide this evening and phone him back tomorrow. (Luckily for me I was not in when he phoned, so he left a voicemail msg.)

Thoughts?

Dabela

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Thu, 08-13-2009 - 8:46am

If I ever lean toward doing something or not, I usually do it. Even if he's a horrible date, you're still getting out, and still visiting a jazz bar that you like, right?

As far as your concern about him still wanting to meet in the evening, maybe he simply CAN'T do the afternoon. Maybe he has a job, or some other conflict, and is trying to fit you in because he really wants to meet you. And as far as expressing concern for you driving an hour - well, I live in a large southern city and have to drive an hour in traffic to basically anywhere. I don't think of it as an issue for a date, maybe he doesn't either. I think you're kind of looking for problems with those two issues.

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Thu, 08-13-2009 - 6:43pm

Do you have a girlfriend in the area that could meet you down there for a drink later that evening? If so, it could be a great idea to meet him earlier for a drink, and meet up with your friend after, enjoying the jazz club for the evening.

That way you have an out if the date stinks, or added fun if it doesn't and you want to extend things with more fun!

Either way, what ELSE would you be doing tomorrow night if you don't go?

Photobucket

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-13-2009 - 11:32pm

Eh, what the heck, why not?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2009
Fri, 08-14-2009 - 2:22am

He has told me that he has a job where he sets his own hours, so that is not it. I kind of got the feeling that he wanted to call the shots. Maybe I am wrong. As for the driving, I am used to people remarking on the long drive I have to get to town. Anything more than half an hour is too long around here. (And he's lived here 30 years or so.)

I did decide to go. It is something to do, and at worse we'll chat for a while and listen to music and that will be it. At best, we'll have a good time and decide to meet again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2009
Fri, 08-14-2009 - 2:26am

No, no friend of mine is free. Unfortunately, most of my friends are either married/attached to someone or else they don't do evening things.

But it's not a big deal. What I am going to do is go shopping first (the bar is near a great shopping area) so the trip won't be wasted if it turns out the date really sucks. And as for an "out" I can always say that I am unexpectedly tired and have a long drive home (the last is obviously true).

I don't have anything better to do, and that is a major reason I decided to do it. I do feel a little guilty though. I mean, shouldn't I be more excited about meeting?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2009
Fri, 08-14-2009 - 2:29am
True. I have nothing to lose. I guess I am just more comfortable with the afternoon meeting at a coffee shop "start" to dating. But it should be fun even if the date doesn't work out as a date. I haven't been at a jazz bar in ages.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Fri, 08-14-2009 - 11:41am

I get the feeling you're not excited to meet because you feel he's not listening to your wishes.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Fri, 08-14-2009 - 6:45pm
I don't have anything better to do, and that is a major reason I decided to do it. I do feel a little guilty though. I mean, shouldn't I be more excited about meeting?


Nope. Having nothing better to do is the only reason I agreed to meet my boyfriend. Sure, it might seem a little selfish, but there's nothing wrong with "forcing" yourself to meet people. You just never know when the right one will pop up.

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2009
Sat, 08-15-2009 - 11:47am

Alison, you are right. I was worried that it would be one of those dates where the guy tries to order for you and totally controls the conversation which is all about him, of course.

It wasn't like that. I am not saying that sparks flew (they didn't) but he felt comfortable to be with. In some ways he is an overgrown kid. He talks too much about his ex, but he also wanted to know about my ex and how things have worked out since my divorce (his is recent, mine was around 3 years ago), how we handled the kids etc. It felt like two people in similar circumstances swapping stories.

I could definitely be friends with him. Whether something more would develop, I don't know. At the end of the date he said he wanted to do it again and volunteered that he didn't say this to everyone. We'll see.

Dabela

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2009
Sat, 08-15-2009 - 12:03pm

Good point. I always figure that if I do my best to be good company, then a "date" is no different from any other meeting with a possible friend. But a lot of guys act like it is unfair to date unless you feel a strong attraction. I can see their point, since they often pay for everything.

In this case I felt it was appropriate for him to pay since he had suggested the meeting and the meeting place. I did offer to pay at least the tip, but he clearly didn't want me to. That's always a plus.

We had drinks and appetizers (it was after-dinner drinks, so I guess "appetizers" would best be rendered as "snack food") and really enjoyed a very pleasant evening. I don't know if we will see each other again, but it was fun.

He said that he wanted to do it again, but we all know what that means. (Nothing at all.) He did not offer to kiss me goodnight, which may just have been courtesy (first meeting and all) or it could be lack of interest. (It really depends on the guy, doesn't it?)

Either way, I'm glad I went.

Dabela