Meeting at Home
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| Thu, 03-10-2005 - 9:36pm |
Is it too early to meet someone for a 2nd date at their home? Does this generally indicate they are looking for sex, or is that not always the case? My previous experiences lead me to believe that casual sex was the main reason for the early invite to the home. (And I don't do casual sex!)
Well, against my better judgement, I just had a 2nd date with a guy at his home! However, the vibes were that I felt I could trust him, and nothing happened that I didn't want to happen. However, once I got over there, I realized I was uncomfortable with being in someone's home I didn't know well, because I just don't know the expectations!
Well, we did do some making out on the couch, and I stopped it after a brief period of time, because I just didn't know what he was expecting, and I actually told him this! I feel like an idiot, you'd think I'd know the rules/expectations by now!
He assured me he wasn't expecting me to have sex with him, but I have to wonder. I mean, he was obviously getting turned on. Do guys enjoy making out with someone, knowing they are not going to get any? Or is it more of an annoyance to them that you are willing to engage in some kissing and touching, but no more? I really need to figure this out, so I don't continue to make this mistake, if it even was one. I wonder what he thinks of me that I had to tell him I didn't know what he was expecting from me? What do you all think? BTW, I'm in my early 40's (divorced), but I still feel like an inexperienced teen at times. How long DOES it take to become and experienced dater? lol, never?

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Hmm hmm, I had to deal with this not too long ago, some of the regulars might remember "Mr Octopus" i.e. tentacles all over the place...
In hindsight now I think that yes, a 2nd date is too soon to be at either of your homes. As far as whether guys think it's fine or annoying to get all turned on and then not get to have sex, well to each his own. Some guys are totally fine with it, others get into the guilt trip blue balls routine... or anything in between. Kissing & touching with the MUTUAL understanding that that's it, can be fantastic because the pressure's off and you can just enjoy it for what it is.
Kudos to you for stopping when you weren't sure. If you continue seeing this guy, some kind of sex conversation should happen soon. Like whatever your reasons for wanting to wait, you really can just tell him. If you don't hear from him anymore, then you know his motivation, or if he's willing to wait and allow time for you to get to know each other, great. But I'd lay off the home dates for now.
Good question.. That is exactly what happened to me last night. It was nice but I hoped that he didn't remotely expect to go all the way :)
I also hate playing by the "rules" - it takes away all the fun but I suppose we all have to comply.
So I suppose I am not much help with your question :(
Hi Blue,
I am in the same situation,although it is not Exactly the same:
Had a great first date last night, he shook my hand when he walked me back to my car, I never felt any pressure to be physical and he did not go into 'leering Victoria's Secret obsessed" mode. He said he would like to see me "again", so to be honest, I thought that was a kiss off (no pun intended :) Imagine my surpise when he called this afternoon to ask me to dinner for tommorrow night! He then emailed and asked if I would be comfortable coming to his house and going form there, in his car, as directions are Not my strong point, trust me, I said that would be fine with me.
I appreciated his asking if it was something within my comfort zone. In NO way does this mean I let my guard down. I do think he is the gentleman he surely portrayed last night. I do not intend to spend any amount of time in his home, and Nothing will make me take the "lid off the cookie jar" this early. I have been through the "little red riding hood" stage where I Believed the "you are everything I've been looking for, and I am crazy about you" fairy tale. Even though I waited on that one for another 6 weeks....this will be an even longer wait! Worth it, if he cares to take the trip..we shall see!
Also, no heavy guilt trips will make me pack my bags for "Sexville" too soon! Flirting is fun, but I keep it in check and make sure I know the man well enough, before even going that far. No matter How much my wicked little self Wants to!
Do what YOU feel comfortable doing, for your own reasons and NO one else's! :)
Truly,
Cupcake
>>Is it too early to meet someone for a 2nd date at their home?<<
In my opinion, yeah, probably.
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>>Does this generally indicate they are looking for sex, or is that not always the case? <<
Not necessarily. Some might be, some might not be. I think it's safe to say that nearly EVERY dating relationship involves people "looking for sex", unless someone just truly doesn't like or engage in sex.
I mean, sex is pretty much a part of nearly every healthy adult relationship, isn't it? Even if you wait until you get married, a sex life of SOME type is pretty much the widely accepted norm.
So even though we might say we're not "looking for sex", what we mainly mean is that we aren't just looking to get laid; I think when we say we're "not looking for sex" we really mean we're not ONLY looking for sex, and that sex might well not be our primary goal.
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>>...I stopped it after a brief period of time, because I just didn't know what he was expecting, and I actually told him this! I feel like an idiot, you'd think I'd know the rules/expectations by now!<<
Okay, couple of things. First of all, good for you for stopping because you weren't sure what was going on. That's ALWAYS your right, just as it's anyone's right.
Second, you're not an idiot. You've been fooled into thinking that there's some kind of a set of "rules" that govern these sorts of things. Well, there are none, other than what you choose for YOURSELF. In other words, my "rules" might be completely different than your rules, which might be completely different than Cupcake's rules, and so forth.
You are also falling into a trap- the idea that you can know, worry about, or somehow control HIS expectations. You can't; those are something that are in HIS head. All you can do is talk about your own, lay them out, and ask him what his are- but you probably can't really do much about them.
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>>I mean, he was obviously getting turned on.<<
Believe it or not, this is generally considered a Good Thing. :)
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>>Do guys enjoy making out with someone, knowing they are not going to get any? Or is it more of an annoyance to them that you are willing to engage in some kissing and touching, but no more?<<
Yes to both questions. LOL
Seriously... sure, guys (at least some guys) like making out. I can tell you from my personal experience that if I had a nickel for every time I'd gotten "excited" or "turned on" from some contact with a female that wound up NOT leading to intercourse, I'd have retired filthy rich by now. (Of course, I'm counting those teenage years when I got hard when a faint breeze came by.)
But making out with someone is usually a pretty pleasant experience. Yeah, it might turn a guy on- like I said, that's a good thing.
And yes, it might be annoying if a guy gets all "worked up" and doesn't wind up having sex. So what? That's HIS problem, not yours. As soon as you start worrying about it being YOUR problem, you start opening yourself to being manipulated into sex and letting him "guilt" you into it.
DON'T DO THAT. He is a grown-up; he should darn well know that just because you're making out on his couch doesn't mean you're going to wind up doing it on the living room floor, or in the bed.
If you want to make out with him but not go any further than that, just tell him. Let him decide for himself if that's okay with him.
Thanks for your input, Niceguy, it really helped clear some things up for me, I appreciate your honest response! I guess just making things clear up front is the best way to go, and then not worry about their expectations, just go with what i'm comfortable with at the time. The good news is this guy called me again, and wants to get together when he's back in town, so apparently he was not too annoyed with anything I said or did, or didn't do :) And when he does call to set something up? I'm having him take me out somewhere!
Thanks for everyone else's input as well. It sure helps when trying to figure out the whole dating and on-line dating thing, the advice is generally right on, and its nice to know I'm not the only one whose had these issues.
Hi NG,
You don't live in Houston, Texas,do you? I swear, the man I went out with last night used the exact same words, about a "breeze" causing erection in his teen years! Is that a common thing that you men say? He has asked me out for two times next week, I like and admire him, and we will see where things go, at the pace that these things should/will/naturally do, I hope!
Please advise, and are there other "Guy-ism"s?
Truly,
Cupcake
Hi Cupcake-
The breeze thing is a common saying.
I had to come back and delete what I wrote after I realized that I got really confused. I think it's time for me to go to bed. I'm obviously tired and can't read anymore.
I've been to Houston a couple of times... but no, not from there. :)
And yes, I too have heard the idea of a breeze causing an erection for a teen a number of times. I don't know about the other guys, but I remember my teen years having a LOT of erections, often without any outside stimulus at all. Hormones, you know.
I'm in my mid-30s now and still find it happening from time to time, to be honest. At least now I can think about nuns and dead possums on the side of the road and get it to go away pretty quick. Knock on wood, I won't have the opposite problem (not able to get one) for a long, long time!
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