men commenting about other women/jealous

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
men commenting about other women/jealous
19
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 8:03pm

someone else started this type thread on another board, but I wanted to see what the posters here would say.

But if a man and woman were dating, (and say more of a new r'ship-5 months) because longer r'ships I think would be different.

A man and woman having a good time together and all of sudden a woman is walking in front of them and (you not sure if it is kiddingly) the man says something about her looks..like wow, she's hot or look at that as.*!! or anything about her looks?
NOw I know men and women both look and it's completely normal. But How would you react? Would it bother you? do you find something like this disrespectful ? or do you think it's nothing and let it roll?

I do know some people will say well if you are secure w/yourself and confident it would not bother you. But my feeling to this poster was that If I was still getting to know the person and you are having a great time together and he throughs you for aloop , i would find it disrespectful. Not because of insecurities, it is just I would not do the same to that person. I guess overtime though if we were deeply committed to eachother and I knew this was his sense of humor, (my gf and their husbands joke all the time) it would be different..
and i could see the man and woman joking about it. But when you are building trust and getting to know someone < I find it disrespectful .

I also don't have a problem commenting on another women's look to my man either.

Also would you prefer your man comment openly about it, rather than not saying anything even though you are sure she caught his eye.

what do you all think? Is this overreacting? or not?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 1:43pm

so agreed AMJAY..

A r'ship should make you feel good and also give you reassurance not knock you down. I thin the low self esteem comes from the person doing it they are looking for reassurance to see if you care or they just have no self respect.

even though we all have confidence and are aware there are somethings you just don't do thinking you could possibly hurt someone else's feelings. I just think some people also don't have empathy .

But regardless I donot think it has to do w/ low selef esteem to react.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 1:56pm

I do think that we shouldn't draw too much of our own happiness from another person. If we do that, when they're gone then we will be unhappy- it gives them so much power over our own feelings and emotions.

Far better, I think, to be genuinely happy in our own right and then SHARE that happiness with someone else, and have them share theirs with us.

So to some extent, those that say we should have a good self-image and be self-confident have a point; we SHOULD have those things.

Nonetheless, it's just rude to say "check out that chick's chest" or "wow, that guy has a really cute butt" when we're with our Significant Other. It'd be one thing if we have a relationship where that's an okay thing, but the vast majority of us do not. It's rude and dismissive of their feelings, and ultimately if we have a strong self-image we're not going to tolerate someone doing something like that to us!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 11:34pm

i agree NG

You need to be happy first, and bring it to the r'ship..

I also agree by having a strong self image you will let someone know it bothered you and that you wish they do not do it again.. By not saying anything you are tolerating it and allowing yourself to be a doormat..

HOwever maybe some people really don't give a darn and if they don't fine by them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2003
Thu, 03-17-2005 - 7:53am

I think it's really interesting that the other board members (which board?) attributed your reaction on low self esteem -- I think that's part of an attitude among some (dare I say it) younger people that "I can do anything *I want,* if you don't like it, it's YOUR problem." With the emphasis on "I WANT" -- me, me me, and no respect or consideration for other people.

Re the old BF -- it wasn't that it made me feel bad, it was that I found it disrespectful, tacky and rude and HE KNEW IT. It wouldn't have cost him anything to keep his opinions to himself but he chose to act in a way that turned me off. And he totally exemplified the attitude above -- went so far as to tell me once he didn't see the need to have good manners because they didn't benefit him in any way. I wanted to say EXCEPT THAT THEN MAYBE PEOPLE WOULDN'T THINK YOU'RE A SOCIALLY STUNTED JACKASS, but you know, hindsight.

Amjay, that was really eloquent. Hear hear.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Thu, 03-17-2005 - 9:04am

<>

ARE YOU SERIOUS?!? OMG! That is unbelievable that anyone would have that attitude! Not only the attitude that good manners are not necessary but that self-righteous, pompous, self-centeredm selfish attitude that if it doesn't do anything for me, who cares? Besides, IMO, good manners DO do something for you - it makes it so people treat you with respect and courtesy instead of like a "socially stunted jackass) (hee, hee, I like that)! You were right to get away from that loser - good riddance to anyone that can't treat most people, much less his girlfriend, with respect.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2004
Thu, 03-17-2005 - 11:19am

Good question rosema...

It's all about respect. If a woman makes it clear that she's not comforatable with comments like that, then certainly the guy should respect that (and respect her).

I do have a quick story, though -- I dated a girl when I was in my 20's that had absolutely *no* problem with that. We would be out and she would point out girls to me, and even make comments like "Check out the rack on that girl" or "How did you miss her, she's a hottie". At first I didn't know how to react but after a while I would just laugh about it. When I would ask her about it she just said she didn't care how much I looked or commented, as long as I didn't touch. Let me say that that it was very attractive, because she had such incredible self-confidence.

However, I have never been one to make rude comments, even with that girl. I still just never felt comforatable doing it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Thu, 03-17-2005 - 7:37pm

That made me laugh... For all the "Friends" fans here, it reminds me of when Ross found out his wife was a lesbian and he said something like "when we were out and she said 'look at her she's so hot!' I thought my wife is so COOL!" Hehehe...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2004
Thu, 03-17-2005 - 7:47pm

I would say it was very likely that your girlfriend wasn't that into you. She didn't mind you looking because she was looking for something else also.

I've dated men who I wasn't that interested in and it didn't bother me if they looked. Actually, it was a relief for the guys I wanted to break up with.

Jealously is a natural human defense mechanism for keeping those items that we find important. If you don't find something that important, you won't mind someone else taking it away. It pretty much boils down to that.

I've known people who didn't strike me as ever getting jealous. They were in several serious relationships and never displayed that emotion. Until they found that certain someone who brought it out in them. I think it was due to finding someone who they really found important enough to care if that person ever left.

I personally find it offensive and disrespectful when men look at other women in front of their significant other. As I woman, I really don't care about another woman's rack. I don't look for it, so why should anyone point it out to me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Fri, 03-18-2005 - 10:43am

If a man points out the anatomy of other women in front of me, yes I do think it is very rude and disrespectful. I don't think a man can care for you very much if he does that. I also do not feel that feeling this way has anything to do with self esteem.

My ex would try to be sly about looking at women and that was also very rude I felt when we were together. I think guys should save that stuff for when they're with their friends. My girlfriends and I discuss guys but aren't so obvious about it in front of the guys so that they hear us.

But yes, I feel that they are basically rude in saying things like that in front of you, and if they are doing it deliberately to make you jealous, then that makes it worse yet.

Sunshine

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