Met New Guy -Issues About Ex Already

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Met New Guy -Issues About Ex Already
13
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 2:26pm

OK, I was going to wait to see how this panned out before writing anything, but I think there was some miscommunication with a phone conversation last night and I need some advice badly.

I started corresponding with a guy from Yahoopersonals (Wayne) recently. He's about my age, never been married, doesn't smoke, doesn't drink and wanted someone who didn't have kids--he also preferred someone who had not been married. We talked on the phone for about a week before we met a week ago Sunday. He lives about 135 miles from me. When I met him, I really liked him, he looked better than his photo and seemed to be a great guy all the way around. We had a great time on our date.

He has a job that keeps him tied up for several days in a row - I never meet guys with normal work hours. I could deal with the distance (maybe) and perhaps with his schedule but last night he called me again to tell me that his ex called him about an issue. I won't go into the issue because it is disturbing to talk about and involved the loss of a pet. Anyway, I'm a huge animal lover and I found it upsetting to hear about the animal's demise. However, he has mentioned to me several times about his ex calling him. They have only been apart 2 months. They had been engaged and SHE was the one who broke things off. I told him when we met in person that I had some big trust issues; that I had been hurt way too many times and it was very hard for me to trust.

I tried to change the subject a bit and said something about his ex wanting him back (in my mind, if she continues to call him about various things, that is a concern for me). Well, apparently, he did not like me questioning about her wanting him back. He said that it was over and done with but that he could be civil to her.

We went on to talk about some other things and then the conversation ended with no big fanfare. Then this morning I get an e-mail which basically accuses me of NOT CARING about the lost pet (which is so totally untrue) and that he talked to a lot of people and that didn't mean he was dating any of them. He didn't need someone who asked him if she wanted him back.

OK, I know I have some paranoia since the Mark deal. Maybe he thought I was being cold and uncaring when I really wasn't. In the back of my mind, it's like this, at what point do you cut ties with the ex? I realize things are just starting out with Wayne & I, but I also don't want to see him for 6 months and realize that the ex's phone calls are going to be a part of the package.

Maybe he thought I underreacted to the discussion topic, but I think he overreacted to what I said. I know this guy is sensitive. I sent him an e-mail back telling him how bad I felt about the pet and that it was hard for me to discuss issues like that because I am also emotional about dogs & cats. I am a real pet lover for sure, but I am ALSO a burned woman (many times over). This last deal with Mark about sent me over the edge. He also has not been away from this woman very long at all. I think I have reason to feel insecure about him talking to his ex, and that seems to be what irritated him. If this had been the first time he had mentioned her calling, I probably would not have asked him what I did, but after 3-4 times of hearing that she had called, it makes me a bit uncomfortable.

All I can do now is wait for his response. However, if he is going to continue a "friendship" with this woman, including getting regular phone calls from her, maybe I need to be out of this now.

What would you do and am I justified for how I feel?

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 2:32pm

I would bow out--he does not sound like he is remotely over his ex (and realistically, how could he be, only 2 months after SHE broke their engagement?), and given your experiences, you don't need to be involved with someone who has ex issues.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 2:42pm
Yes, I don't want to sound like the cat issue was not important--it was. I just don't want to know if the ex calls him and while maybe this was not just "any" issue, I have reason to believe he's not over her or he would not be defending why he has no problem talking to her. Realistically, I have no claim on him either, but he made me feel like I'm already a jealous woman. OK, maybe I have a problem with jealousy - even very early on. Truth is, I'm braced for the worst. Things seemed to be going along nicely for he and I. However, if the ex is never ever quite out of the picture, I agree, I don't need that. Will let you know what happens. Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2006
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 2:43pm

Misty,
I remember your posts about Mark and the heartbreak you went through with that, so you have a right to have some trust issues. Speaking only from my own personal experience, guys who react this way are generally projecting (for lack of a better word). He so badly wants to be done with this he is projecting his anger with the situation onto you, by being overly sensative. Your question/comment about his ex wanting him back was a valid question considering they just recently broke up. This might be the reason for his strong reaction. Rather than looking at his own feelings about the break up, he seems to be jumping back into the dating pool and daring anyone to question whether things are really done with his ex. Which generally means things are not completely finished. Not that he is looking to get back with her but some of the baggage may not be unpacked, KWIM? You might want to leave the door open with him, but expect that the relationship might not move forward because he not completely ready to move on. It has only been two months for him. Keep dating other guys and see what happens. I have to say that I have also dated a guy that was overly sensative about things I would say or questions that I would ask and I could not hack it. He threw a fit in the middle of the street where he lived when I asked which house his best friend lived in. In a word... psycho!

Good luck!
YG

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2004
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 3:20pm

Well, apparently, he did not like me questioning about her wanting him back.
____________________________________________________________________________________
Ugh.

BTDT with guys who are in open/regular communication with an ex and feel the need to give me the daily report about their convos. Blech!

If it were me, I'd cut ties with him now. It's a shame to have issues with someone so early in the game, you know? Anyhoo, giving me heck for merely questioning or expressing concern that his ex probably wants him back plus writing an accusatory email about the pet issue AND being 135 miles away to boot would be enough to make me say:

GAME OVUH.

The fact that they just broke up and she was the one who ended it -- I just bet he still yearns for her no matter what comes out of his mouth.

I wouldn't have explained anything about my own particular issues regarding the pet. He simply would've gotten one thing from me: my silence (and I wouldn't have wasted the necessary brain power nor electricity to respond to his crappy email).

You're ok Mitsy. Keep it movin' girl and try to find someone closer to where you are and whose working schedule is in sync with yours.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2005
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 3:21pm

Yes, you are justified in how you are feeling but if I may be honest, you have some unresolved issues that you need to deal with. Also, it seems your expectations re: this guy are way tooo high --- borderline desperate! Please, I’m not trying to be mean and I know that you are seeking a relationship, but it’s highly unlikely if you have unresolved trust issues. As far as your prior Exs, you need to resolve those issues, basically get rid of the baggage. Lighten the load, you will feel so much better and believe it or not you will not project all this negativity and be able to accept and/or respect people for who and where they are at. Just the fact that he has been separated for 2 months from someone he was engaged to is truly not a person that is ready for something long-term. He may think he is but his behavior shows otherwise. You want it so bad that you are overlooking red flags. There is no need at this point for you to be having conversations with him about your trust issues and prior hurt from other men in an attempt to show him that communicating with his Ex bothers you. You don’t know this man and have no idea how far this situation will go. Possibly out of desperation you decided to meet him, so of course my question is “why?” -- but I already believe to know the answer. This guy is also justified in how he responded to you although he took the coward approach. Trust me, the NOT CARING about his lost pet, is truly not the issue especially since he had to mention to you that just because he talked to others, he was not dating them. Mitsy it seems you wear your insecurities on your sleeve. He just met you and was put on blast about his behavior w/his recent Ex and obviously has picked up on your insecurities. Gee, the man even thinks he can’t talk to anyone else without letting you know he is not dating them. Not a good thing! Sorry!

As stated earlier, you will not have a fulfilling relationship until you deal with your unresolved issues and TRUST is a biggie. Work on self before you dive back into the dating pool or as you stated, get rid of the paranoia. By the way, you seem to keep attracting the same type of guy (guys who have unresolved issues and/or are still emotionally involved with others) so another reason why you have to work on self so you will attract different types of men. Trust me I feel your pain, but settling or chasing after unavailable men is not the answer!

Hopefully this guy will NOT respond and you can move on!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 3:49pm
I am a cards on the table kind of woman. I guess that is in my personality and is not likely to change. But, I have to believe that ANY woman would likely NOT be OK with a guy having regular phone conversations with their ex. Maybe it's good that I found this out early on so I did not date him for months only to find out he is really not over her. The last thing I need is a rebound relationship. I think 2 months is not long enough. It has been over 6 months, almost 7 since Mark left, and I have felt like I needed to get back in the dating game, but the fear is still there. And he has a right to talk to whoever he wants, but I guess I really don't believe it's OK to keep the communication going between someone and their ex if it is truly over. His reaction leads me to believe what another poster said about no matter what words he says, actions speak louder than words. It might not be about a pet next time, but it might be about some other chaotic situation. Will he always be the first person she calls? A part of me wants to next him right now and another part of me wants him to realize that I am a very caring person and was not making light of the situation. Bottom line, I want his issues with his ex to truly be over before getting involved with me (or anyone for that matter). It is NOT a good way to start out. Will keep you posted.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 9:28am

A lot of what you said makes total sense to me. As an update, Wayne sent me an e-mail late in the day. It was a one-liner telling me he had been in court (work issues) and it was a zoo with his other duties. I know he read the e-mail because it was attached to what he wrote to me. I responded to his e-mail and said that I wanted us to be able to talk to each other about things and that I would be home late last night if he wanted to call me. So, I do get a phone call from him and the conversation went pretty well. We did talk about our conversation the night before and the "misunderstanding" if you could call it that. He said he was not mad at me or was apparently "over it" by last night. He said he knew about my last relationship and why I felt the way I did.

However, even with this positive conversation, I still feel like a "fly is in the ointment". I tend to harbor resentment when something like this happens, even if I said something out of line. It makes me feel less at ease in getting to know the person. I also start thinking of the many reasons why this might not work (distance, his work schedule, the small amount of time he's been away from the ex). I do not agree with the one poster who said something about me "picking unavailable men". Now how many women on this board actually "pick" unavailable men? I doubt that any one of us know the full story about any potential date until we get to know them. Quite frankly, everyone has baggage. To find someone who fits all the criteria of emotionally available is no small feat. You don't know anyone's circumstances until you have spent some time talking to them and getting to know them. The thing for me is whether or not I can afford to make any emotional investment with this guy because further hurt is not what I need.

I will talk to him and if he wants to see me on his days off, I am willing to do that. However, I am not going to have the build up of anticipation like I would otherwise. The fact that we had a "spat" so early on doesn't sit too well with me still. He may be over it but I don't forget things like this. Until more time has lapsed since his break-up, I will remain cautious and not put all my eggs in one basket.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2006
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 10:21am

I have also been told that I "pick" unavailable or wrong men. However, what I have come to believe about that is that I don't necessarily pick them as much as I ignore the warning signs that they are unavailable. I stick my head in the sand and give my heart away before I have had time to see if the guy is worthy of it. I am proud to say that I am learning to do things differently, like paying attention to the signs and not getting so emotionally involved so quickly, even if the guy comes on very strong and pursues me heavily. I think that in this situation you have also done just that, you noticed the warning sign and are listening to your instincts. What progress! You're not giving your heart to this guy and you are not putting your life on hold to see if he is the "one". Good for you! Listen to your gut, it won't steer you wrong. But I have also learned to make sure you check in with yourself often so that you catch yourself if you start to fall into the old behaviors of making excuses and ignoring warning signs. I, personally, also check in with a friend or two to make sure I am thinking straight. My friends will tell me quickly if I am acting crazy.

Good luck to you!

YG

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 11:30am
I think the situation is too cloudy. If I were in your position I would not get involved with him. He doesn't seem completely emotionally available and he probably doesn't even realize this after having just broke up with her 2 months ago. It takes time to get over a long term relationship...two months in the grand scheme of life is nothing when you've been with someone a long time.
About 4 years ago I dated a guy on the rebound. Just like your guy, he had just come out of a relationship two months earlier. Her name always came up. I was annoyed, but stuck around and vested my emotions in this man. Well, 2 months into the relationship he told me that he wasn't ready for another serioius relationship and needed some time to get fully over her. I knew it in the back of my mind the whole time. Now I am able to keep my composure when I meet a man like this and just know I have to keep on looking. I don't date men who have come out of a serious relationship within the last 5 or so months.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 11:35am

Oh, heck, I pick emotionally unavailable men all the time! It's my cross to bear and I actively work to NOT do it, but as you say, you don't always know from the beginning.

However, in THIS situation, you KNOW already that this guy has issues with his ex that are going to trigger your particular baggage. So it makes no sense for you to get involved with him. Find someone whose baggage doesn't trigger yours in the same way.

And I think you know that staying detached is pretty much impossible for you, so be honest with yourself about that. Look how emotionally involved you are already.

Sheri

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