Met New Guy -Issues About Ex Already

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Met New Guy -Issues About Ex Already
13
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 2:26pm

OK, I was going to wait to see how this panned out before writing anything, but I think there was some miscommunication with a phone conversation last night and I need some advice badly.

I started corresponding with a guy from Yahoopersonals (Wayne) recently. He's about my age, never been married, doesn't smoke, doesn't drink and wanted someone who didn't have kids--he also preferred someone who had not been married. We talked on the phone for about a week before we met a week ago Sunday. He lives about 135 miles from me. When I met him, I really liked him, he looked better than his photo and seemed to be a great guy all the way around. We had a great time on our date.

He has a job that keeps him tied up for several days in a row - I never meet guys with normal work hours. I could deal with the distance (maybe) and perhaps with his schedule but last night he called me again to tell me that his ex called him about an issue. I won't go into the issue because it is disturbing to talk about and involved the loss of a pet. Anyway, I'm a huge animal lover and I found it upsetting to hear about the animal's demise. However, he has mentioned to me several times about his ex calling him. They have only been apart 2 months. They had been engaged and SHE was the one who broke things off. I told him when we met in person that I had some big trust issues; that I had been hurt way too many times and it was very hard for me to trust.

I tried to change the subject a bit and said something about his ex wanting him back (in my mind, if she continues to call him about various things, that is a concern for me). Well, apparently, he did not like me questioning about her wanting him back. He said that it was over and done with but that he could be civil to her.

We went on to talk about some other things and then the conversation ended with no big fanfare. Then this morning I get an e-mail which basically accuses me of NOT CARING about the lost pet (which is so totally untrue) and that he talked to a lot of people and that didn't mean he was dating any of them. He didn't need someone who asked him if she wanted him back.

OK, I know I have some paranoia since the Mark deal. Maybe he thought I was being cold and uncaring when I really wasn't. In the back of my mind, it's like this, at what point do you cut ties with the ex? I realize things are just starting out with Wayne & I, but I also don't want to see him for 6 months and realize that the ex's phone calls are going to be a part of the package.

Maybe he thought I underreacted to the discussion topic, but I think he overreacted to what I said. I know this guy is sensitive. I sent him an e-mail back telling him how bad I felt about the pet and that it was hard for me to discuss issues like that because I am also emotional about dogs & cats. I am a real pet lover for sure, but I am ALSO a burned woman (many times over). This last deal with Mark about sent me over the edge. He also has not been away from this woman very long at all. I think I have reason to feel insecure about him talking to his ex, and that seems to be what irritated him. If this had been the first time he had mentioned her calling, I probably would not have asked him what I did, but after 3-4 times of hearing that she had called, it makes me a bit uncomfortable.

All I can do now is wait for his response. However, if he is going to continue a "friendship" with this woman, including getting regular phone calls from her, maybe I need to be out of this now.

What would you do and am I justified for how I feel?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 11:50am
Well, I don't know how emotionally "involved" I am at this point (still too early), but I am disappointed that this "ex" issue has reared its ugly head already. I do see the potential for BIG hurt though for the same reason that the previous poster said about dating a guy and then him telling her he wasn't ready for a serious relationship. I know I liked him, but I also know that I can't compete with another woman, regardless of what he SAYS about it being over. My ears are hearing one thing, but my gut is telling me something else. I don't want to be anyone's rebound woman.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 11:59am

Okay...but would you have reacted so strongly to that whole conversation if you weren't already somewhat emotionally involved? I think if you weren't, you would have just reacted in a "hmm, he doesn't seem to be over his ex" fashion, rather than getting upset and confronting him with it. But that's just my impression, I could be misreading the situation.

Anyway, listen to your gut! This guy is not a good fit for you, because his particular issues trigger yours.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 12:28pm
I think I reacted more strongly because I was so taken aback by HIS response. But, yes, my gut is certainly talking to me strongly about this one. I don't think I should just wait for his phone calls, but to continue on like I was doing and going out with my friends and going to whatever meeting I fancied that particular week rather than being "too available". I think it is hard not to hope that the "next one" will be the right one. That is only human, and it's unrealistic if we say that we don't want something more than something casual when we meet someone from OLD. After all, that is the reason most of us are on there to begin with. But learning to recognize what is a red flag and what is not is sometimes hard even for the best of us, And like we've talked about before, we oftentimes overlook things because we don't want to jump to conclusions. Once again, I think maybe a counselor might help me sort out some of what triggers my baggage, but ultimately, I think mine is not a lot different than other women's. It's just harder when you feel like there are fewer options.

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