mind games

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2007
mind games
6
Tue, 07-20-2010 - 7:36pm

Ok, I'm on POF over a year now, and have met some of the men, but haven't had that connection I'm hoping for. The last few months I began messaging with a POF guy who is very creative in his writing, but he doesn't wish to meet me, even though his profile says looking for long term. He also changes up his profile making comments that refer to something we talked about. He's ok to message back if it's about something creative or unusual topics of discussion, if I ask personal questions, or mention meeting, he evades answer all together. A couple of times he did tell me I should find someone else, yet, he still adds to his profile some cryptic thing that seems to refer to me.


Now, logically I know it's just a mind game thing. But we're in our 40's. May be I'm not up with the gaming ways of people as I was married a long time before this OLD stuff.


Has this type of thing ever happened to someone else here? Ironically I read another man's profile just recently and he lamented about a woman doing similar to him...for almost 3 years! Sheesh. What do those people get out of that?


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: karmaphobia
Tue, 07-20-2010 - 9:52pm

Maybe he's really married so he doesn't plan to meet anyone IRL and just gets some kind of kick by emailing women.

I remember reading in an advice column about this woman who had had an email thing going w a guy for 5 yrs & never told her fiance about it. Now I can see having a kind of "pen pal" if maybe you were corresponding w/ someone in a foreign country & it was too far to meet but it didn't seem this was the case. She just enjoyed this kind of fantasy relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2009
In reply to: karmaphobia
Wed, 07-21-2010 - 7:44am

Yup, it's a mind game and it's sad that some people play them. I don't think age has anything to do with it. I'm in my 50's and it's happened with guys my same age.


Some guys use the OLD sites so they can have their egos stroked. They put on long term so women will contact them or will reply. I guess women do the same thing but we just don't hear about it since we are women.


MO...I don't know why he changes comments in his profile. Since he avoids all personal questions, doesn't want to meet, and has said you should find someone else, it proves he's not available.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
In reply to: karmaphobia
Wed, 07-21-2010 - 10:13am

He's wasting your time. He's playing games, he's probably married or in some sort of relationship.

I think that many men say that they are looking for long-term because they know that MOST women are looking for the same. Therefore, if they say long-term more women will respond to them.

If the guy doesn't want to meet, I say just start ignoring him, even if he continues to send messages to you. And delete or block him from contacting you (I know you can do that on POF). If you feel bad about just blowing him off, you can send a "thanks, but I really need to move on so I can find someone. Good luck with your search."

THEN block him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
In reply to: karmaphobia
Wed, 07-21-2010 - 2:46pm

Why are you even wasting your time?

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2007
In reply to: karmaphobia
Mon, 07-26-2010 - 12:23am

Thanks everyone for all the helpful advice. I am much in agreement. I was kind of hoping to, I guess, feel better that it isn't just me. I've heard this happening to may be a couple others (just in reading the profiles). So, I know it's not uncommon.


Why can't people just be honest in what they're really searching for? I mean, I wouldn't entertain him or anyone who's already in a relationship, but, I suppose I understand that people just like the idea of having online friends. Ironic, there are a lot of married people, cheaters, on that site. Most don't show their pictures, and most seem very weasely about it. Again, I don't entertain them, I wish them luck and delete/block if I have to.


This guy, I don't know how he did it, but he got under my skin! Time to learn an ability to ignore, and not fuel his games.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2010
In reply to: karmaphobia
Wed, 07-28-2010 - 2:23pm
It's all a game....including the fact that you keep going back to his profile?????? You must enjoy something about this or you wouldn't allow it to continue. The minute he started playing the game would have been the biggest red flag for me and he would have been gone. There is a fine line between seriously looking for a long term relationship online and allowing men to play these games with you...be strong and discontinue corresponding with him.