more advice needed for ....

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2004
more advice needed for ....
8
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 6:23pm
delete


Edited 5/28/2005 10:21 pm ET ET by shazzy1960
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 8:13pm
Nope - that kind of conversation should be face to face.


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 10:40pm
EXACTLY what I was gonna say sis. You do not ask someone what they are looking for relationship wise (even if you are not being specific to your relationship) in an email just like you don't break up with someone on a post-it. ;-) Shaz - if you want to know this, you need to talk to him in person. It can still be casual and generic, but important that it happen face to face.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Sat, 05-28-2005 - 8:20pm

>>ask him if he's looking for an eventual long term relationship or just casual dating. I want this to be a *no pressure* email<<

Sure, because that kind of question is always a "no pressure" kind of thing.

Don't sit there and pretend it's a no pressure deal! That's just lying to yourself and to him. If you don't know what kind of relationship you would like to have, ideally, if those are your two choices, then you probably shouldn't be dating.

And if you DO know what kind of relationship you want (and I'm guessing you do) then OBVIOUSLY it's a very loaded question. Whether or not he feels "pressure", it's still a very important question, because if he answers differently than what you think, you're probably not going to be seeing him much anymore, right?

So get out of this "hey, totally no pressure, but do you want a casual girlfriend or a long term relationship" thinking, and just be honest.

And dittoes to those who said "not via email". Talk in person.

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Registered: 10-17-2004
Sat, 05-28-2005 - 9:09pm
delete


Edited 5/28/2005 10:22 pm ET ET by shazzy1960
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 05-28-2005 - 9:35pm

i think niceguyonline was on the money.

you want to know if, at this point, he wants that kind of relationship WITH YOU -- at least, that's what this type of question implies... it puts people on the spot.

usually the answer you're going to get is:

1. no, i just want to have a lot of sex with you (not likely)

2. sure, i'd like a long term relationship with a great person one day... you may not be the one... or you may be... but i don't know that yet!

shazzy, you've only been out with him twice... it's too early to ask such a loaded question without sounding... well.... like every other woman in the world who looks for guarantees.

if things keep going the way they are and you continue to like what you see about him, then perhaps you can have "the talk". but to bring it up now, in the very infancy of a dating situation would be a bad move, methinks.

most people, when posed a question like this in a new relationship will go, "oh god, here comes the pressure and ultimatums..."

time is going to give you this answer, not asking. not right now, at least.

even if he says he does, in fact, want the same things you want, it doesn't mean it's going to happen between you two.

relax a bit and hit that delete button!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2004
Sat, 05-28-2005 - 9:48pm
delete


Edited 5/28/2005 10:23 pm ET ET by shazzy1960
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Sat, 05-28-2005 - 9:59pm

Every 11 days, and very little contact between meets? Sounds to me like he considers this relationship a casual thing. I would be very wary of getting physically involved with a man like this.

What's the point of having "the conversation"? It's quite apparent where you stand with him. Really, this is not boyfriend material, IMHO. Please be careful.

amjay

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 05-28-2005 - 10:10pm

hi shazzy,

well, sometimes people have a different way of putting things... perhaps they don't couch them "gently", but rather, they give it to you the way they see it. they know you can handle it and so they give it to you straight.

it's ok that niceguyonline said what he did the way he did it... it wasn't an assault on you... he wasn't insulting you at all. he was telling it like he saw it in his own manner of speaking. sometimes the more direct one is with another, the best. he answered the question you asked and he was forthright. you can't ask for more, can ya?

see, it's sorta like if you were going to ask this guy you're seeing the same thing the question you want to ask... would you want him to sugarcoat his answer and tell you how wonderful you are and how special and how one day he wants picket fences and babies and you... but in the end the answer was still no, not with you, not now?

think about it... regarding this guy you're seeing... naturally you may want a normal, healthy, forward-looking relationship with someone... but there are some questions you're only going to know by behavior and time.

sometimes girls put way too much thinking into the process of evaluating somebody. it's not up to outside forces that you have sex or that things become physical. YOU should take the time to see if things progress the way you'd like so that you can make the intelligent decisions without his approval.

you've been out with him twice. you say things are "leading to the physical" but it's not the "things" that are... it's what you imagine and what you "wish for", thinking that if the inevitable happens, it means something more... but it doesn't.

"The only reason I wanted to ask him this question is because things are going toward the physical and I just don't know how to handle that in the context of what is happening between us."

reminder here... girl to girl... sex doesn't just happen. nothing merely goes towards the physical.. it's not inevitable that you sleep with him. you may go out with him 15 times and not have sex... that's fine, too.

take your time in evaluating him now... let things take the course they are going to take. if his intentions are true, you will be able to see it more clearly when you aren't expecting answers.

this is not out of your control.

if "things" are going towards the physical and you don't have a clue if he just wants to get laid or not and you don't even know if he really likes you or not... then think again about going that route. play it smart, girl. remember, it's not called the game of love for nothing.