More than one divorce

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
More than one divorce
17
Sat, 09-30-2006 - 11:05pm
A friend of mine just met a man who has been divorced three times on OLD. She says the other two divorces don't count because they only lasted a year or two. Every man she has gone out with has been married at least 2 times. I am divorced but am leery of men who have been divorced more than once. Does a man having more than one divorce turn you off and have you met a lot of men who have been divorced more than once?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2006
Sun, 10-01-2006 - 12:41am
I am still young so personally I tend to rule out any guys that have been divorsed. I am not saying its is an absolute no, but I do this for two reasons. One is that I would definatly perfer to go through the whole marriage thing for the first time with someone who is also going through it for the first time. The second reason is if they have been divorsed I would wonder why they got divorsed, and what there view on marriage is, did they run at the first sign of trouble, or did it fail after years of marriage conusling? If a guy told me he had cheated on three of his exs I would not believe I could change him and that he would not cheat on me. Same goes for divorse, if a guy had been divorsed 3 times, I would not believe I could change him and he would not divorse me. Once might have been a bad marriage but multiple times I would start to wonder how likely they would be to ever stay married. If someone had 3 divorses I would really wonder if they had any belief that marriage was forever.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sun, 10-01-2006 - 9:21am
Yep- 2, neverMIND 3 divorces, would totally freak me out.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Sun, 10-01-2006 - 11:30am

Like Rebecca, I am fine with one divorce at my age (36) of guys around my age.

heather 5-18-10
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 9:25am

Oh my gosh. The first two don't count because they were only married a year, who made up that stupid rule.

Uh no I wouldn't date someone who has been divorced 3 times, and especially if the first two marriages ended in one year, it tells me he's rather impulsive and marries people willy/nilly. I wouldn't date that guy EVER.

Depending on how OLD he is would determine whether or not I would date someone with more than one divorce and the circumstances surrounding the divorce. But definitely not more than 2.

Smile,

Deirdre

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 10:46am
well Ross from Friends was married 3 times right? He seemed cool (: Kidding...i would be a little leery of someone who'd been divorced more than once. One time I can understand...but i'd wonder why they were having such bad luck...maybe they are good people but have had bad luck? I dunno...
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 3:40pm

I've learned to never say never. Many years ago, my mother re-married at age 40 to a man who was 42 years-old at the time. My mother was his 3rd wife. They were together 16 years until his untimely death from cancer, but he was a wonderful husband. When my mother met him, he was retired Navy and a very kind man. He married the first time at age 17 to a high school sweetheart right after joining the Navy. Obviously, because both he and that first wife were so young, it didn't last at all. That marriage only lasted two years, so he basically ended up single by age 21. He didn't re-marry again until he was 28 years old and that married last 11 years. My step-father and his 2nd ex-wife wife broke up because she was an air traffic controller and he was still in the service. They were both very career-driven at the time. In retrospect, he used to say that they put more priority in their jobs than the marriage. They were frequently apart and she was unwilling to move to the cities he would go to. After a few years, he realized she was having an affair. He forgave her, but, unfortunately, she did it again. Bottom line is that my step-dad ended up single again with two divorces under his belt by age 39. Divorced, single, with no children. When he met my mother, he had been divorced about 3 years. He said it took a few years to recover from the 2nd marriage but when he met my mother that she was 'too good to pass up'. He dated my mother and within a year they were married. He was a wonderful husband, a great step-father and personally, I'm glad my mom didn't disqualify him because she ended up being his third wife. Me and my siblings loved him like a second father (we were teenagers at the time).

Also, I have an aunt who is a wonderful, kind woman. She married very young and after 12 years her husband had an affair and basically walked out on her. She re-married 2 or 3 years later to some scumbag who basically was a bigamist. My aunt found out 2 or 3 months after the 2nd marriage that 'Loser' was still legally married in another state so that 2nd marriage ended up annuled. My aunt got burned badly two times and frankly, she didn't deserve it. Luckily, after spending a couple of years alone, she finally remarried a third time at age 51 to a great man who's also a two time divorcee. They have been together 6 years so far and they're going strong. Both their kids are grown and they travel non-stop. They are very happy.

Point I'm trying to make here is that I've learned that the 'number' of divorces is really irrelevant (for me). Two or three I'd probably accept because each case is different. To be honest, life is so strange, sometimes people (both men and women) get really crappy deals in love. It's really hard to be judgmental about why relationships fail. Sometimes it just boils down to bad luck. It's not the number of marriages that I really consider, it's the 'baggage'. If the man has 2 or 3 divorces, but no children or if he's not paying child support, that's a plus for me. I'd be willing to overlook the number of marriages. The fact that he's now free to live a life with another woman (possibly me) without any obstacles is what's important in my eyes. I'm more inclined to think me and that man could be happy if he doesn't have ties to another woman or another family.

I've dated men who have been divorced only ONCE and they had 2 or 3 kids, are still paying child support (for small children) and they still have an ex-wife who hounded them. That bothered me more. Big issues came up out of those scenarios. So, the answer to the question is yes, I would date someone with 2 or 3 divorces under his belt. Of course, not by choice, but I'd have to know the circumstances. Why? Because I look at it this way: I've had more than 3 serious boyfriends. I've lived with 3 men in my lifetime and I'd hate for someone to consider me 'flawed' because those relationships didn't work out. If I meet someone who's been divorced more than once one day, I don't know if it makes me any better that I didn't have 'the paper' to make my relationships 'count'.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2006
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 4:19pm

I'd be wary, and if I did enter into a relationship of any kind with a guy with multiple divorces (or any other history I was wary about), counseling would be an absolute requirement for me initially and for us as a couple eventually.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 4:38pm
i guess my whole thing is...sure someone who had had 3 divorces might be a great person...but I dont know if willing to take that chance at really figuring them out. There are plenty of other people who havent had multiple divorces so I'd rather give them a try. i feel very bad for anyone who has had multiple divorces...i really do, but i believe it takes 2 to tango...there are other circumstances where maybe someone got cheated on by the 2 or 3 people they happen to marry...who knows. It would be tough...
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 5:40pm

This used to be one of my "rules" about a second divorce being a red flag. However, I have found myself being interested in guys who had 2 divorces behind them. Mark was in the process of his 2nd divorce when we met. It did not bother me that he was on his second divorce. I really did believe that he had just been with the wrong woman both times. He had mentioned to his sister a couple times about it bothering him being divorced twice by the time he was 41. He never did voice that comment to me and even said something about "third time a charm" in reference to me. I really did not let the twice divorced thing bother me. However, it did bother me that his 2nd divorce was not final by the time we started dating. In the end, he went back to her due to the complicated custody issues he was having with ex-wife #1. I don't think he would be back with her today if he had been officially divorced from her earlier. I can't say for sure. Men don't make sense sometimes in their actions.

I would have to say that probably TWICE would be my limit as far as wondering about the stability of a guy. If a guy is divorced 3 times, that would give me pause to wonder what his problem was. Surely, he didn't pick losers all three times. A lot also depends on the circumstances.

I know one couple who have been married 3 times each previously but are now married to each other for about 10 years. To look at them, you would not have guessed that they had had such bad past relationships prior to them meeting and marrying. So, sometimes, it does work for people...even after the 4th try. :0

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2006
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 10:26pm

Well, I've been divorced twice and I would hate for anyone to judge me or blow me off because of that fact. Sure, I had problems when I was young (I was raped as a virgin and consequently, had serious issues with men)and it took me many years to acknowledge my problems and deal with them. I've had lots of counseling and now I'm very emotionally healthy and happy. I realize the mistakes I made in the past in reference to relationships and I've changed those patterns. I think it is important to accept a person where he/she is in the present.

For me, being divorced is not a red flag. However, if a man blames all the problems on his ex and takes none of the responsibility... now that sends me running!!

Also, if someone has been divorced, that means that he/she does (or did) want to be married. If your looking for a serious relationship, you may be better of dating someone who is divorced. I'm tend to be more cautious of a man who is in his late 30's and never been married.

Having said all that.....if I were to meet a kind, intelligent, loving man....I'd go for him no matter what his past marital status! It is hard to find a good man!

courtney :)

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