More than one divorce

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
More than one divorce
17
Sat, 09-30-2006 - 11:05pm
A friend of mine just met a man who has been divorced three times on OLD. She says the other two divorces don't count because they only lasted a year or two. Every man she has gone out with has been married at least 2 times. I am divorced but am leery of men who have been divorced more than once. Does a man having more than one divorce turn you off and have you met a lot of men who have been divorced more than once?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 1:32am

I tend to agree with you Cara. To over analyze the whole 'number' issue would be sort of fruitless. We as people change so much during our lifetime. The person we were at 17 or 25 isn't necessarily who was are TODAY. So, I can understand how you are a different woman now and no, it wouldn't be fair for someone to not give you a chance because you've been divorced twice or possibly had other serious relationships in addition to those marriages.

What is it about being married and divorced that's really the issue? It's sort of funny if you think about it. Then we might as well start disqualifying people for sleeping with more than 2 or 3 people...or saying hey, a person's had several or numerous boyfriends/girlfriends so that's a red flag. Well, not really. Sometimes I jokingly think maybe men who've been married two or three times actually WANT a commitment and are looking for that...maybe I'm the one who's worse off than them because here I am at 36 and have been unable to commit to anyone...lol A lot of people may look at that and say "Hey, she's in her 30's or 40's and single. Something must be wrong with her". I don't think anything was 'wrong' with me, I just never found that situation that made me want to get married. I fell in love, I lived with 3 men (2 in my 20's and one 3 years ago), but when it came down to saying "Yes, I want to spend the rest of my life with this person", I was unsure because of obstacles. Maybe people who marry give in to love and really desire the whole 'family' thing and for whatever reason it doesn't work. And in all actuality, maybe people like me could be considered 'too picky' or 'a lifelong bachelorette'. I'm not saying I am and I don't think I am, but I'm sure there are men who'd come to that conclusion.

What I've come to realize is this: sometimes, for whatever reason, two people can really bring out the worst in each other. You can date someone and it's really harmonious without much effort and there's other people that it starts off well, but eventually you butt heads big time. Or you meet and fall in love with someone and you get along great but that person doesn't want to ever marry, or that person doesn't want children...the possibilities are endless. It IS very difficult to find that situation that works for you. In a way, at least people who've divorced and re-married are tenacious in finding a lifelong partner and obviously believe in the institution. IMO that's better than someone who's been married once, had a bad experience, ends up bitter about it and chooses to never do it again. That would be upsetting to me if I met someone I liked, a great guy, married once, but he'd be anti-marriage or not really into a commitment because of a previous divorce. I'd prefer someone who believes that love and marriage can still be possible with the right person regardless of THIER (or MY) past disappointments.

New slate, new beginnings. As long as the man didn't beat his wives or cheat on them, I don't think it's fair to bring up his divorces just like I wouldn't want my past relationships to be brought up as some issue for him. To me it's no issue, it's just life. Life can throw us some curveballs, it's not all pretty 'on paper' but we can still be good people within.




Edited 10/3/2006 1:40 am ET by amerissa
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 9:56am
But you have to wonder if what they tell you is the truth? I am sure my exhusband weaves quite the tale about his two divorces, I'm sure our marriage was because he was young when he married me (20) and not because he was cheating on me with his 2nd wife. You know? I'm sure he does not tell people he dates the real reason why we got divorced. I'd love to be a fly on the wall in the tale he tells of why he is divorced twice. Now I don't know why he divorced his second wife, but both their track records in relationships arent' good so I wouldn't put it past either of them to cheat. But it's highly unlikely that he shares that information with future girlfriends.

Smile,

Deirdre

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 10:55am

As far as Mark and his 2nd wife, I tend to believe what he told me previously only because I am getting basically the same story from his sister and any relatives of his who know her. If she was half as bad as he said/they have said, I can't understand any man going back to her, but as I have mentioned, it involved some messy custody issues. And I do not, for a minute, believe he was blameless either. It takes 2 to tango.

Basically though, I think that a lot of people get married too young or, even if they're older, they are not very mature. I think that was and is a lot of Mark's problem. After 4 months, I can finally see things a lot more clearly about him and his whole thought process. He was very selfish and immature in a lot of ways. I am starting to actually believe that I dodged a bullet after all, but it took me quite a while to convince myself of that.

I think it is truly amazing sometimes when you hear that saying about "time heals all wounds". I never believe it when I am grieving over a situation I cannot change, but eventually, the hurt subsides and hopefully we can see that we are better off without certain men or situations in our lives. You'd think that I would have more faith in the process of healing, but it just takes time.

And I would hope that I would not pass up a guy regardless just because he's been divorced twice or more. Everyone's situation is unique.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 11:15am

i agree that sometimes people just make mistakes, get married too young, etc. I did...i got married at 23, divorced at 24...I hope it never happens again

However, I can understand why there are some never been married people out there who would not want to be with someone who is divorced, especially 2-3 times divorced. If i was never married, I would perhaps not want to date someone divorced either. We all have our preferences...i think as we get older, we get wiser...i do have an aunt who is 50, never been married and she says she would not want to date someone divorced or with kids, and at her age, the pickings are quite slim. It's perhaps why she is still single, but some people would rather be alone than settle for anything less than what they want i guess.

i just dont think it's that hard to understand why people wouldnt want to date someone with one or several divorces...i get it and i see plenty of profiles online where people state they want someone who has never been married.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 12:40pm

I'm a man of 53. Some of the women I have met in my past 6 years of dating have been married 3 times and they have been younger than me. As someone here said, it's a numbers thing and I learned to take this on an individual basis.

My favorite question I ask (no matter whether they have been married or not) is "What have you learned about yourself from your relationships?" I see if someone is repeating a pattern (e.g. marriage) and have not learned anything about themselves (i.e. rather than blaming their ex) then I walk away.

I think what I am encountering now is that I find women who do NOT want to be married again. I have been married once and do want to be married again someday. I know I will not live with another without marrying her.

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 3:36pm

You sound like a jewel Mark. Why hasn't a smart woman snapped you up? :)

You bring up a good point about "learning something" from our past relationships. That is sometimes a bitter pill to swallow. I have gone through so many phases since my last relationship ended, and I am continually realizing things about myself and about him that I just could not see during the time we were together.

I played some mind games even with myself as far as what I viewed as "normal" and what wasn't. For me, I think I need to be more aware of those red flags that indicate that a guy is simply not up for a long-term relationship. In my last case, the guy had health issues and custody issues that he could not handle along with a relationship. From my standpoint, I kept thinking that you don't give up the one good thing you have going in your life which is stable and loving. Guess he did not see it that way because he has alienated a number of people who cared about him, including me.

Looking back, I can now see so very clearly that he made snap decisions about a lot of things. He bought and sold houses, cars and all kinds of things without much thought process. He made good money, but I bet my credit rating is a lot better than his is simply because he just never stuck with anything long enough to build equity into something. At 46, things like that are a lot more important to me than they were in my younger days. Getting a car paid for is a realistic goal to my way of thinking. I also have a goal of having my house paid off in less than 10 years. I have certainly made my share of financial mistakes in the past, but I have paid for them myself and not expected any handouts from my family or friends.

The stability factor (in most all areas of a person's life) is something I am going to be looking at a lot more closely next time around. Maturity is a subjective word I guess because I thought this last guy was mature. Looking back, many of his decisions seemed child-like and self-centered. I am one of the few posters who always wanted a guy a few years younger than myself or right around my same age. Never went for guys much older. I have a really good friend who has been telling me for years now to go after a guy a bit older; that they have the stability, maturity and staying power I am seeking.

Low and behold, I must admit that I think my friend is on to something. I am now interested in a guy about the same age as you. He is good looking and has a great sense of humor. It is too soon to tell where this might go. There is definite interest there, but we have not had an actual real date yet. Sort of have met at a restaurant. Anyway, I am amazed that my own thinking has changed a bit about dating, age, maturity issues, etc. in the last few months. I was quite blinded earlier as to what I thought I wanted, what I thought I needed and what was really just settling. Some of the things that did not seem important to me a few years ago are now at the top of the list of what I want in a guy or partner for life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
Sat, 10-07-2006 - 10:02am
I think it definitely would be a case by case basis and the circumstances. But more than 2 times would be pushing it for me I think and of course their age. If they were over 60 and I was over 60 and they had been married 3 times and divorced, I probably wouldn't care but if he was 30 and married and divorced 3 times I wouldn't touch that with a ten foot pole.

Smile,

Deirdre

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