More on sexual exclusivity

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
More on sexual exclusivity
7
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 5:03pm

Hi,

A while ago someone here raised a question about wanting sexual exclusivity while dating other people. Well, I am in a similar situation. I really enjoy the time with my guy right now but I still want to keep my options open because there is no potential for marriage. I am dating two other men online right now, and have had great time with them as well. They are both looking for a serious relationship, and they both told me that they're only dating me (one-gal kind of men). I told them honestly that I am dating others and it's too early to talk about exclusivity right now. They said they understand. And I believe both of them have the view that sex should wait until you're exclusive in a relationship (one of them told me that explicitly, and for the other one I am inferring from what I've known him so far). Not that I wanted to have sex with him right now (I am sexually committed to my guy ;) but does it mean that he assumes I am not sleeping with anyone right now? I was wondering, in this situation, what do you say to the other men that you're dating? Also, for my guy, I know he believes in sexual exclusivity as well, but I am not sure if he assumes that I am only seeing him. I guess the best way to find out is to talk to him. But I'd still like to hear your opinions about how to tell the other guys. Am I obligated to tell them that I am intimate with someone? I think a choice will need to be made soon... and most likely I'll have to choose to leave my current guy (perhaps the smartest thing to do) but it's going to be painful. I started to have feelings for him already.

Jess

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2004
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 10:45pm

Never kiss and tell. Keep it simple.

The Unicorn

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 03-12-2006 - 4:28pm

As long as you are not lying to the other guys, they do not need to know your private business. Just as you would not show them your paycheck, you have the right at this point, to keep your business to yourself. No good can come out of telling the other guys that you are sleeping with a 3rd guy but not them. They are most likely being patient and dating you hoping they will be the one to be your b/f. And since you never know, one day one of the other guys may become the real thing and the last thing you need is that hung over your head. I do have to ask though - should you really be in a s*xual relationship with someone if it is going nowhere and you are dating other people behind his back? Its just a time waster and time bomb.

JMHO,
ivy

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 10:25am
I agree with your viewpoint. Here is some update... The inevitable had finally come yesterday. I had a talk with guy A (one of the two I am dating "on the side" - for the other one I actually decided to stop seeing him). He asked me about other men in my life, and said that he'd like to date me exclusively. So I told him the truth, including being intimate with my current guy. I didn't want to lie to him and felt that since he brought it up, I should tell him the truth. Well, naturally he said I will need to make a choice because he can't date me like this. He still wants to be with me and requests that I don't make him wait too long, whatever my choice is going to be. I feel it's a little early to talk about exclusivity (been out on 3 dates, the last one lasted 11 hours), but I guess he feels uncomfortable that I am physically involved with someone right now. He told me that from his perspective, though biased, the choice is clear. And it seems that I have no other option except to choose one (or leave them both?) I knew one day this would come, and I would have to leave my current guy. But the truth is that I still haven't ruled out the possibility of dating my current guy exclusively, no matter how counter-productive or time-waster it is... Any suggestions? I also would like to know what I should've done since the beginning? I'd like to walk away from this with some lessons learned, but right now I can't really see it clearly.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 11:49am

Well, I personally think it was a mistake to tell him about the fact that you're sexually involved with someone else...I'm coming at it from the perspective of being in his shoes...would you honestly want to hear that a guy you were dating was sleeping with someone else? I sure wouldn't! And to me, unless *we* are sleeping together, it's none of my business who he's sleeping with. Don't ask, don't tell! So, if you find yourself in this situation again, I wouldn't tell the guy that.

It seems to me that a simple "I'm not ready to be exclusive, I need to get to know you better" would have been sufficient (and honest). He might not have gone along with it, but he might have.

But yes, given the situation, you will have to choose whether to keep seeing this guy (and cut it off with the other guy) or not.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2006
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 12:00pm

OK, the one sentence that stands out to me here is that after only 3 dates, he is asking to be exclusive? hmmm... that makes me a bit nervous. I could be reading into it too much but that's my take on it. I could see after a month or so....but 3 dates?

As far as telling him if you do/don't..whatever, it's already done. You did what you thought was right, and if you feel comfortable with that then fine with me. Everyone has their own ways of doing things...

You sound like you are so Totally on the fence about your current guy (who's not asking you to make a choice)that to me, sounds like you want the other guy more than the one who's asking you to 'hurry up and choose' so to speak.

I probably haven't helped any.. but just was putting my 2 cents in.;)

Keep us posted
Lisa

boston.png Boston Girl image by EmmaLee192

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 9:20pm

current guy is a dead end. Guy A might work so take a chance.

drop current and see how it goes with A.

Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 12:28pm

The only question