Moving too fast or is he an ass?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2009
Moving too fast or is he an ass?
5
Sun, 07-05-2009 - 4:25pm

I met a guy on a online dating site. We were dating regularly for 3 months. It was going really well (really good talks, lots of chemistry). Things really started heating up in the last week (physically & emotionally). He said he wasn't seeing anyone else and said he wanted to pursue a possible long term relationship.

A few red flags. I always initiated most of the calls between dates. He also went on the dating site every day multiple times. He said it was habit and he was going to stop. A friend of mine is also on the site. He recently sent her a wink and email w/ his phone number saying he hopes she is the one for him. The night after we went on our 20th date.

So I broke it off w/ him and he says he's sorry and he wants to be friends but he jut wasn't ready (he didn't specify exactly what he wasn't for). I wasn't asking for a ring. I just didn't want to be intimate or start getting closer emotionally if he was dating others. He could have been honest and I would have slowed down.

So am I being a hard ass by not being his friend and ending all contact. (my last relationship ended due to infidelity so I'm sensitive about lies & cheating)Or is too early on for me to be this upset about what he did.. Was I expecting too much too soon?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Sun, 07-05-2009 - 4:50pm

He's an ass.

I had the EXACT same thing (not the contacting the friend part, though) with a guy. Came on strong, we saw/talked all the time. Then at about three months, same thing. All I asked was that he stop seeing other people, nothing more...not even more time together. Brakes came on, he declared he didn't want a relationship (then what were we doing spending all this time together???), but he wanted us to be friends. I said no, too.

Then we "got back together" a month later, he declared his love for me, how wonderful we were together, then wouldn't have anything to do with me.

The fact that he was on the dating site multiple times a day tells you something...he's not serious about you. Probably having a great time with you, but looking to see if the grass is greener.

He wants to be "friends" to alleviate himself from all responsibility for his bad behavior. You aren't being a hard ass at all, you're protecting yourself.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 07-05-2009 - 6:08pm

Yes, he could have been honest and he chose not to be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2008
Mon, 07-06-2009 - 10:57am

He's an ass. Could it be he was just looking for the intimacy?

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Mon, 07-06-2009 - 10:59am
Geez well I suppose if a person wants to be completely technical and if you two did not actually say the words to each other that you two were exclusive, then I suppose is free to date others, but wow. 20 dates to me sounds like you are past the exclusive point. I found his email to your friend to be funny: "I hope you are the one for me" ??. Isn't that a little bit of an overreaching statement for a first email? I do not think you are being a hard ass at all for not wanting to be his friend and wanting no contact. I think what he did was kinda crappy. What wasn't he ready for? A real relationship? Then what is he on the site for? I guess he just wants a good time and then on to the next woman.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2008
Mon, 07-06-2009 - 11:22am
Hes a total ass...dont waste your time on a so called friendship with this guy. Your doing the right thing.

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