multi-topic... frustration & complainers

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2006
multi-topic... frustration & complainers
5
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 9:04pm

girl on yahoo is being un-responsive after adding me to her messanger... I dunno if I should start looking for someone else.... I don't want to have two people talking to me though incase I do find someone else and then both of them start being responsive...
I only want to focus on one person, see how it goes, if it doesnt work out id plan on moving on to someone else...... I don't like how people talk about dating more than one person at once that just seems rude to me but what do I know I've never been on a date in my life.... i dunno... I guess when I am into someone I kind of "obsess" about them i dont like to admit it but yeah all I think about is her and I try to put all my energy into her.... I guess thats not healthy but I can't help it I never been loved /no one has let me love them and I am over anxious to have someone who I can focus on and pour all my unused feelings of affection into and try to make them happy and feel loved.... When you have gone your whole life feeling numb knowing that nobody really knew you were even alive, it is something I would not want anyone else to feel and I would want her to feel as loved as possible. It is hard to imagine I know a lot of people are like "oh I'm better off alone" "I can be perfectly happy by myself" but they take what they have or have had for granted because I've never had anything ever and there is absoultely nothing good about it. There's nothing good about knowning that no one has ever cared about you ever and you do not know if you are even capable or worth being loved, or if anything will ever change. When I went to iraq last year I did not even care if I came home alive or not. the whole time I became more and more numb and detached and bitter because I knew it didnt matter to anyone if I did. I have these feelings that I've never gotten to use because nobody has ever wanted them. The only ones I get to use are bad. and yeah when I came back onto the airfield at fort benning from iraq last january and there was no one there waiting for me that just drove my point home more. So all of you who complain about your relationships about how your partner or whatever is not perfect or "isn't the one" and act like nobody is good enough for you and moan about all this little stuff or about how you hate men just remember at least you have someone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 5:31pm

Wow. It sounds like you're in a lot of pain. I don't know if I can comment on everything. However, concerning dating more than one person, I finally settled it in my mind by deciding that OLD isn't really dating, not until you've known them for awhile in person. It's just two strangers deciding if they want to get to know each other better. There's no commitment or obligation until both decide they want that. So there's necessarily a lot of ambiguity. OLD is a lot different than regular dating in that generally dating is a selective process. I.e., you see someone around and decide if that's someone you'd want to date that would want to date you. OLD is more of a pre-selective process, you really don't know enough about them to know whether you'd want to date or not. So you message back and forth, maybe meet, etc., but none of it implies anything. The average number of dates that people say things may start to get serious is date No. 3.

I understand where you're coming from in terms of wanting to give your love to someone because I've been there myself. Although, I felt obligated to accept the attentions of just one. You sound like a decent person, just in a lot of pain. Sometimes pain is there to teach us something. You say you don't have anyone. That's why I offered to write back and forth. I'm not someone you'd want to be with, I'm sure, but I'd be willing to help you through a rough spot. I still haven't figured-out how to use myspace, computer savvy I'm not. However, I am trying to get another email account established. Have you thought of giving your love in a self-dis-interested way, maybe volunteer for something?

I'm going to be honest with you and say that desperation drives all people away just about. Romance seems nice because it seems permanent, but unless the characters of the people involved are adequate, it often isn't. There's nearly a 60% divorce rate in our country. That's staggering! I understand and can empathize with your desire to give your love to someone. I think it's noble of you. Many times our own wounds are healed in trying to heal others wounds. It's precisely the areas where we're wounded ourselves that we have the most difficulty helping someone else with, however. I'm learning that with my 13-year-old son. I highly recommend the books by Harville Hendrix. One of them is titled "Keeping the Love You Find: A Guide for Singles".

I have felt exactly the way you do many times in my life. I got through a lot of it and am still going through some of it. It can get better, but you can't do it on your own. Unfortunately, many of the women you might get involved with won't know how to handle it, either, even if she loves you. I'd like to offer you my support but I strongly recommend that you set-up some sort of support network for yourself. I'm sure you have desirable qualities that people would be drawn to. Or maybe a counselor, a support group, some hobby that interests you, a sport, etc. There's got to be something, right? We can't build our lives around one person or even a couple because it makes them feel suffocated. Many times our expectations aren't reasonable. I realize you didn't get what you needed when you were young, but you'll probably have to realize, as I have, that no one can compensate for that. You'll just have to live your life with that handicap, rather than be a handicapped person. It doesn't have to get you down forever, you just need to make allowances for it. There are many stories of courage where people have overcome physical as well as mental and emotional handicaps that can be very encouraging and one can draw strength from. One I particularly liked was "The Bear's Embrace". I cried and cried.

I'd be happy to speak with you further in another setting.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Fri, 07-21-2006 - 10:18am

Golightly gave you some really good advice, but I'd also like to offer another perspective. I include myself in how you feel about "romance", but I am sure you have family members who care about you. Just because we do not have a significant other right now does not mean that any of us are not loveable. I know how it feels to wonder what the hell is wrong with me because I see others meeting people and staying with them, getting engaged and eventually married. I'm only now starting to admit to myself that I would like to get married someday, even though I have been independent and on my own since I was 20. I do have family and friends who care about me. Sometimes I realize that my only social outlet is with them. I know what it's like to feel insecure about love and romance. I still feel this way, even at my age, and I am 45! You just take one day at a time and realize that a lot can change in a small amount of time. So, just because you have no one right now does not mean you won't have someone next week, next month or whenever. I have seen many people who did not seem to have much going for them who did find someone.

You have to be willing to put yourself out there though. It's fine to vent here and spill your guts about how you want someone, but I also agree about not wanting to look desperate. That has been my #1 fear in all of my dating in the almost 7 years of being single. Desperation is not attractive to most people. You need to be your own person and at least "appear" to be happy on your own. If that requires therapy or counseling in order to get to that state, then you have to do what you must in order to get there.

If you have been in the military, then I have to believe that you are not a loser and that you are a decent guy who has much to offer a woman. Do not sell yourself short until you find the woman who can love you back. It takes a lot of time, and sometimes it takes years for this to happen. The trick is to find happiness with or without someone in the meantime. Keep us posted on things.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Fri, 07-21-2006 - 11:42am

Wow, I'm sorry you're so down.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2006
Fri, 07-21-2006 - 11:43pm

thank you all for your replies it means a lot to me that you take the time to do this. My email is posted now in my profile under my website. Oh yeah if you happen to look at my myspace just remember I've given up on using myspace for dating so yeah its not exactly geared towards that anymore if you know what I mean... anyway. I am 21 years old and very shy. I've never even tried to approach a girl in real life. I had a girl I talked to from myspace for like 3 or 4 months but it turned out very badly she started out being very sweet to me but then starting getting angry at me every time I expressed myself as she became more fed up with my depression/anxiety and insecurity... she always said she just wanted to be friedns even though she used to say a lot of things and throw a lot of things my way that would confuse me and mess with my head and give me false hope.... she started talking to me less and less and then I finally broke it off for good a few weeks ago. I hate thinking about it its very sad that I could never even get her to meet me. but anyway i am trying as hard as i can not to think about her anymore even though it is difficult so i have been searching yahoo and match very hard. Anyway about this girl being non-responsive I mean she is a non-subscriber so I had to send her a few messages on yahoo personals just to figure that out and I slipped her my yahoo ID and she took it upon herself to send an add request on yahoo messenger so I added her and she added me... I waited a few days never saw her on messenger so I left her an offline message... waited a few more days and never got a reply so I am trying to decide whether i should write her an email I guess its just her yahoo ID + @yahoo.com.... I think she might be interested but I have just had the worst luck in getting a hold of her maybe she never checks her messenger... yahoo personals says she has been active most every day though. She lives an hour away and is in the military too and stuff so I dunno I kinda had high hopes for this one and dont really want to give up if its just a bad luck/commo issue.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Sat, 07-22-2006 - 10:30am

I second what everyone has said here and suggest that you work on trying to get over the problem of not being able to focus on more than one person.

heather 5-18-10