My baggage rears its ugly head!
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| Thu, 06-22-2006 - 4:01pm |
OK, so I thought that I can manage my former relationhips baggage; I thought that it was tightly packed in carry-on with wheels, so I could safely drag it along and not let it weigh on me in crucial moments of potential relationship decision making. Boy, was I wrong! Now it feels more like I am dragging along two huge, trunk-size suitcases and I can never make it to this flight… Here is what I am talking about.
(If you need the background: I Am 33; after braking up with a boyfriend of almost 8 years (my only LTR) have been doing OLD for 14 mo now, out of them was in 6 mo relationship with a man whom I met on Yahoo – one day he told me that “we both agreed we didn’t want a relationship” and he thought we had agreed on this during what I thought was our exclusivity talk; needless to say we broke up right then and there. On the other hand, I spent enough time getting over them, I think ; did my counseling…I am not bitter, I don’t think they are some monsters,, etc.; my friends think I am in a good place now to date..)
Met a guy on e-harmony a month ago; find him sexy (so much so in fact that I thought he was out of my league and was surprised when he initiated contact), his profile really spoke to me on so many levels; he seems to be reliable (calls when he says he will, now he calls me almost every day), fun to be around, has the wicked and witty sense of humor I absolutely adore, took me out on two dates (tomorrow is the third) follows up, complements me on my appearance, wants to take me out even more (I have been the one with the busy social life, hence the 3 dates in three wekks thing); no red flags whatsoever (very rare in my experience; I always have at least 3-4 of thesse to monitor when I go out with somebody).
I have good time when we go out, but I am just afraid to open up to him. We have had two very good, deep conversations (one on date 2, one last night over the phone): not simply the “interview thing” about past relationships, although we did that too (he initiated it both times), but the type of sharing that I know is important (talking about childhood dreams, relationships with siblings and parents, etc.) I felt really comfortable, the glimpse I got of him (character and personality wise) I really like, and yet, I am not feeling “the special connection” that I usually do when I start to like somebody as a person (obviously physically I find him attractive already).
Now, don’t get me wrong, I am not expecting fireworks, but I am confused about my own emotional response in this case: if this happened just 6 mo ago, I would have been smitten by him, but now, it seems to me, I feel nothing… He and I seem to have so much in common, plus, he seems to be serious about wanting a relationship. We define chemistry similarly, he told me that : “besides the physical attraction, once I get a feeling of how good of a person she is, I feel even more attracted”. Earlier in my life, that line alone would have completely won me, not so now. I can see how my problem is that I had misdjudged both my exes and was left with the feeling that I had invested so much time, love and energy in strangers (very painful feeling). I also realized that the fact that , if we were both shy as kids, or had difficult relationships with our mothers and yet managed to mend them later in life is no guarantee that we can work together as a couple (I erroneously believed that) .
My concern is that while I am not consciously equating him with my exes, sitting there going: “oh, my ex would also say these things, and then it turned out that he is… fill in the blank with some horrible character flaw here ;)) , deep down there I am afraid to trust him, trust him even with my feelings of liking, if you wish. On the other hand, I like the fact that I am not infatuated with him: that will help me figure out if we really are a good match. But again, I don’t want to be cold emotionally, it makes me feel dead, and it also scares me a little: what if I squander a good opportunity for a potentially harmonious relationship because I act distant (I really would hate to scare him away). Oh, also, please understand that I am not desperate to just be in any relationship, I really like him – he is the first man I met, in the last 8 mo, that I can relate to, and I see no red flags (I’ve met guys I liked but they would be either workaholic, insecure, jealous, or have a number of emotional health issues; or we’ll have nothing in common value and communication wise)
Please help: how do I separate the wheat of lessons learnt from the chaff of baggage?
And I apologize for this beghemot of a post, really!!!!

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Taking a lunch break and read your post....
Wow – good read and I’m in the same space too now. Last night was a third date with a handome, 36 year old, tall (I could care less about height but for most women, bonus), medical doctor. Our first date I thought he was nice, smart, have things in common but didn’t feel that ‘spark’ and was thinking give it some time. Our second date we had a lot of fun but again I wasn’t drawn into him nor thinking I can’t wait to kiss him. Our third date last night – we went to a free screen of “The Devil Wears Prada” which I highly recommend then to an after hours party – I was cold as you put it and distant and inside felt horrible as in (do unto others as you wish done unto you) it’s just that I don’t and didn’t’ want to mislead and by last night “I knew” we weren’t a match and he even asked me to go to an opening of an art exhibit next week – it’s crazy, most women would be like are you crazy, this guy is a catch but chemistry is really so much more. At the door I tried to get away with a hug once again and he’s like “does a kiss interest you” so I pecked him quickly like a chicken (ha) as I wasn’t about to go there hoping that would give me my “out” what an awkward situation. I didn’t want to hurt him….here he is looking at me like a puppy dog wanting a milk bone (ugh!!)
I dated a guy two months ago, first date, not sure, second date I thought hey, maybe ,third date not sure then the 4th I knew I liked him but there was more of a “pull” then with this guy only he’s moving to Japan for his job (go-figure)!
Saturday at least I’m looking forward to the date (another date three) and he’s not perfect nor instant sparks however I have more of a pull kind of like Japan guy.
Listen, it’s hard to trust…even last night’s date all innocent and all and thoughtful made some sort of remark asking about sexual dreams which I thought was inappropriate so he knew and we ended the conversation – most men want it, it’s a fact but that’s why you and I and all of us need to take our sweet time. If after 3-4 dates you don’t feel “anything” then I say NEXT too many fish in the sea but good for you for giving it a chance.
As far as being distant/cold – I’m the same way – not sure what advice to give you but share my similar experience and hope it helps – at least you’re not alone!!! It does go away once you "know" you like him though -- that happened on date 4 -just like a light bulb - trust is developed over time -- good to keep your guard up a little bit at least. Look at the times we live in? I just read an article the other day where some stalker was hiding out underneath some woman's bed for two days -so be careful dating, seriously!!
Ms. Peanut
Ok...I'm not trying to be cute here, but what exactly is the problem? You've met someone you like, you're taking your time getting to know him and open up to him, and you have some uncertainty which is totally normal IMO. So why not just keep doing what you're doing? Time will tell! You'll either continue to enjoy his company and eventually want to open up more, or you'll decide you're not a match.
Honestly, how you're reacting sounds healthy to me. I would just keep seeing him and see what happens.
Sheri
Hi,
I liked your line about "wheat of lessons learned vs chaff of baggage." Well put.
Like Sheri, I think that you are at a normal stage. Don't give yourself a hard time because you are not instantly trusting (that's the "wheat of lessons learned" gal), but remind yourself every once in a while that just because some guys are cheats, that doesn't mean that all guys are like that.
IMHO, if this is the right guy, when the time is right, you will trust him. If not you will know that he isn't soon enough and move on.
Best of luck!
Elsa
Thanks for your advice Pimbiroo!
See, the thing is that not only did he initiated this sharing (parents, siblings, etc), but he was the one who started sharing and asked me questions -- hence I had to respond -- I did keep it short and sweet though. And no, nothing of what he said was too much too soon (I've had that happen before and know the signs of inaprorpiate dsiclosure of presonal stuff...) The thing is that may be deep down there I like him already and that is a bit scary? I dunno. I just haven't met many men who can talk about what matters to them personally, and I really like that.
Thanks again!
Thanks Peanut!
Well, I am releived to hear that you (and everybody else who have posted so far) think that I am not behaving weirdly! And it's good to know that it's OK to take your time. Like you I sometimes feel I am misleading them -- and no, I really don't revel in the attention :)
Sheri,
I was really hoping you'd answer: I have always found your advice helpful... Thanks!!!! I was freaking out that I was really getting suffocated by this baggage issue.
And it is very refreshing to hear that my feelings are normal; I am the weird gal that falls in love very rarely -- as of now, twice -- but when I do it is really way too fast for my own good!!!!
Thanks Elarisa!
This question (about harvesting the lessons learnt while getting rid of the chaff of baggage) has been really something I have given a lot of thought! And I think you nailed it: taking my time to develop trust while remembering that , as you said, not all men are cheats is an excellent strategy. Thank you!
It's funny how on this board I get better advice than from my girlfriends sometimes -- now, among my group of friends, the consensus seems to be that I should give up on Internet dating because it's making me too jaded! I don't want to (I really have no other way to meet guys). Plus, I am a bit frustrated when I turn for advice to my girlfriends and all they have to say is:" Stop the internet dating thing!" Ghhhrrrr!!! ;) (well, none of htem has ever done it, so I think they really still buy into the stigma attached to it)
I have no easy answers for you, but I can certainly relate to about everything in your post. What it amounts to is this...you've fallen for guys in the past, you believed what they told you because you had no reason not to. They talked a good line about commitment, wanting the same things, etc. only to later get cold feet, not call as much and eventually do the disappearing act.
Just like me, this happened with guys you never in a thousand years would have dreamed would have turned out like that. And then we eventually meet someone else and you cannot envision them being anything like the last 2-3 guys we fell for. They sometimes end up with different "issues", but the outcome is the same. They don't have the maturity, drive or stamina for a "real" relationship. 90% of the guys I end up meeting don't know what the hell they want. Those are the ones who should NOT have a profile online.
I seem to encounter a lot of guys who are married to their jobs, and while having a decent job is a priority for myself and for anyone I would be interested in, it requires that both people actually have TIME to date. I remember very specificallly asking my last guy if he had TIME to date, which he assured me he did. However, his job did take him out of town and he was gone for 36 - 48 hrs. at a time. I could have survived the rotten schedule if he had had the energy and drive to put into the relationship when he "was" home. He let other life problems get in the way of "us", thus I was left once again because he couldn't handle "life" as well as a relationship. I still feel totally short-changed with this last failed relationship. I would have to say that 95% of the problem was "him" and his inability to fully participate in a real relationship. I look back and see nothing different I could have done to have made things any better. I was supportive through all of his stresses and conflicts in his life.
After so many let-downs, you start to question your own judgement about people. You no longer trust men on any level because your emotions have been taken advantage of far too many times. You are afraid to fall in love for fear that they will hurt you. When you have been hurt enough, you become a bit "numb" in the emotions dept. I see myself becoming that way more and more.
I think it's very hard to judge a man's sincerity and intentions. I wish I had a way of knowing that very early on, but sometimes even what they SAY they want does not mean they will be in it for the long haul. In the meantime, I am going to remain very cautious with anyone I might meet or date from now on. Maybe I'm becoming bitter, but for me that is the only way I can approach the thought of "dating" again.
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