My baggage rears its ugly head!
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| Thu, 06-22-2006 - 4:01pm |
OK, so I thought that I can manage my former relationhips baggage; I thought that it was tightly packed in carry-on with wheels, so I could safely drag it along and not let it weigh on me in crucial moments of potential relationship decision making. Boy, was I wrong! Now it feels more like I am dragging along two huge, trunk-size suitcases and I can never make it to this flight… Here is what I am talking about.
(If you need the background: I Am 33; after braking up with a boyfriend of almost 8 years (my only LTR) have been doing OLD for 14 mo now, out of them was in 6 mo relationship with a man whom I met on Yahoo – one day he told me that “we both agreed we didn’t want a relationship” and he thought we had agreed on this during what I thought was our exclusivity talk; needless to say we broke up right then and there. On the other hand, I spent enough time getting over them, I think ; did my counseling…I am not bitter, I don’t think they are some monsters,, etc.; my friends think I am in a good place now to date..)
Met a guy on e-harmony a month ago; find him sexy (so much so in fact that I thought he was out of my league and was surprised when he initiated contact), his profile really spoke to me on so many levels; he seems to be reliable (calls when he says he will, now he calls me almost every day), fun to be around, has the wicked and witty sense of humor I absolutely adore, took me out on two dates (tomorrow is the third) follows up, complements me on my appearance, wants to take me out even more (I have been the one with the busy social life, hence the 3 dates in three wekks thing); no red flags whatsoever (very rare in my experience; I always have at least 3-4 of thesse to monitor when I go out with somebody).
I have good time when we go out, but I am just afraid to open up to him. We have had two very good, deep conversations (one on date 2, one last night over the phone): not simply the “interview thing” about past relationships, although we did that too (he initiated it both times), but the type of sharing that I know is important (talking about childhood dreams, relationships with siblings and parents, etc.) I felt really comfortable, the glimpse I got of him (character and personality wise) I really like, and yet, I am not feeling “the special connection” that I usually do when I start to like somebody as a person (obviously physically I find him attractive already).
Now, don’t get me wrong, I am not expecting fireworks, but I am confused about my own emotional response in this case: if this happened just 6 mo ago, I would have been smitten by him, but now, it seems to me, I feel nothing… He and I seem to have so much in common, plus, he seems to be serious about wanting a relationship. We define chemistry similarly, he told me that : “besides the physical attraction, once I get a feeling of how good of a person she is, I feel even more attracted”. Earlier in my life, that line alone would have completely won me, not so now. I can see how my problem is that I had misdjudged both my exes and was left with the feeling that I had invested so much time, love and energy in strangers (very painful feeling). I also realized that the fact that , if we were both shy as kids, or had difficult relationships with our mothers and yet managed to mend them later in life is no guarantee that we can work together as a couple (I erroneously believed that) .
My concern is that while I am not consciously equating him with my exes, sitting there going: “oh, my ex would also say these things, and then it turned out that he is… fill in the blank with some horrible character flaw here ;)) , deep down there I am afraid to trust him, trust him even with my feelings of liking, if you wish. On the other hand, I like the fact that I am not infatuated with him: that will help me figure out if we really are a good match. But again, I don’t want to be cold emotionally, it makes me feel dead, and it also scares me a little: what if I squander a good opportunity for a potentially harmonious relationship because I act distant (I really would hate to scare him away). Oh, also, please understand that I am not desperate to just be in any relationship, I really like him – he is the first man I met, in the last 8 mo, that I can relate to, and I see no red flags (I’ve met guys I liked but they would be either workaholic, insecure, jealous, or have a number of emotional health issues; or we’ll have nothing in common value and communication wise)
Please help: how do I separate the wheat of lessons learnt from the chaff of baggage?
And I apologize for this beghemot of a post, really!!!!

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Thank you, Mitsy!
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You have put it perfectly: this is exactly how I feel!!! I can also relate to what you said about the "ghosts" : I was dating this guy (2-3 times a week for about 2.5 weeks) who was talking about how we should vacation together in July (this was Jan, mind you!!!!), and he even ordered books and started learning Bulgarian (I am Bulgarian). I thought this was too much too soon: I was thinking: "Dude, you might not want to talk to me in any language two weeks from now, why bother with Bulgarian!" ;) He did all that only to disappear without a trace because he was afraid that I will cheat on him (his only reason was that yes, two of my closest friends are men). I wasn't crushed becasue I could see that he was the one to rush things and, honestly, he was the one with the issues here (my girlfriends tease me sometimes calling me "appallingly monogamous" refering to how I wouldn't be able to even find other men attractive when I am in a relationship, so I know I didn't give him any reason to fell threatened...)
Anyway, I was trying to say that your and my newly adopted strategies (let them win your trust, without assuming that "all men are selfish immature cheats") seems to be working. Without it I would have been devastated when this ghosting happened...I just wanted to make sure I am not overdoing it. Thanks again!
Thanks for your encouragement, Rlch!
I really needed, and yes, this is the reason I posted: I do need to be reminded that to find love one has to show vulnerability sometimes and take risks...
You are right, I feel I have been hurt in the past. WHat makes it very difficult for me to date is that : 1/ I spent almost the whole decade of my 20s in a relationship (and never really dated before) and 2/ I am European and even though I've been living in the US for the last 8 years I relaized that there is so much to learn, that dating here is a totally different ball game (much like American football is compared to soccer, hehe). This is the reason I was so hurt when my last relationship unreveled (the guy who said: "Oh, I thought we both agreed that we didn't want relationship!"). I mean I had to learn what the whole exclusivity talk is about, it was very difficult to do all that, I was trying to be compassionate and udnerstanding, to compromise (he said he'd never been in a LTR, but he could try). I told him what I expected of this (I wanted a LTR). He agreed to that. Half an year later he tells me: "Well, I knew you wanted a relationship, but I just didn't know you wanted it with me." WTF?!!! I know I sound cynical, and I don't mean to be disrespectful to American culture, but was I supposed to make him sign a contract with well defined clauses specifying that both of us are seeking a lTR and the two parties are obligated (under the terms of this contract) to attempt this WITH ONE ANOTHER?!!! Well, here, I vented! Thanks for listening! :)
And thanks for your support!
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