My boyfriend put up an online ad

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2003
My boyfriend put up an online ad
38
Wed, 07-09-2003 - 5:16pm
I found out my boyfriend of 7 months (my exclusive boyfriend!) put his ad back up on match.com. We met through match.com 7 months ago. I am devastated. He has no idea I know. Although I'm hardly surprised. The strange thing is he has been so happy with me, has been so affectionate and loving towards me. He even e-mailed me today for plans for the weekend, and that I would come down and visit (we live an hour away...which makes trust even more important). I don't get it. If a guy wants to see other people, why does he want to continue seeing me? How do I confront him? He will probably think, WHY am I looking on there? Maybe he did it on purpose. I have no idea. What should I do?

Edited 8/2/2003 12:25:34 AM ET by rmh77


Edited 8/2/2003 12:30:05 AM ET by rmh77

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-09-2003 - 6:22pm
Did you get my response to you on the other board? As I mentioned, I went through exactly the same thing. When I confronted him, he lied about it and denied it was him (it was). It's now over, thank goodness.

There's no good outcome for you here except ending it. What *possible* excuse could he give for having an ad up, when you're supposedly in a committed, monogamous relationship?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2003
Wed, 07-09-2003 - 7:00pm
I know I have to end it. I guess I just want to think otherwise. My girlfriend says he might be doing this because he is unsure of my feelings for him or he is insecure. I know him so well, we are so close, I never thought he was a cheater, he is definitely not a player. I know he wouldn't try to hurt me. That's why I am confused by all of this. I was with him this past weekend and he was more loving than ever towards me. I just don't get it.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-09-2003 - 8:22pm
Yeah, I didn't "get it" either. My ex was telling me how much he loved me and we were discussing getting *married* in September!

An emotionally mature person's response to being unsure of your feelings or feeling insecure would be to TALK to you about that, right? In what alternative universe would the right solution be to put up an ad????? Your friend may be right, but how that is justification for his behavior, I can't fathom.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2003
Wed, 07-09-2003 - 8:54pm
Your'e right Sheri. I wish you weren't, but you are. I truly believe he's a guy that only knows how to receive love, but doesn't know how to give it. He only takes. He also is in debt up to his ears, and I bet anything he's looking to shack up with some girl to split the rent. I looked at his profile and he's looking for a girl who lives within 10 miles of him (meanwhile all these months I have been driving 70 miles to see him every weekend) and who makes atleast 35K a year. He only wants a girl who is slender or athletic, not even average. Kind of superficial if you ask me. I guess he was no good and I was too blind to see.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-10-2003 - 11:08am
I don't think living an hour away, ro five, or five minutes should have any effect on trust. I think you need to talk about it - not confront - and also explain to him why you've been checking up on him. I did not meet my bf on line but know that he is on an online service - is he still? I don't know and I refuse to check - either I trust him, or I do not - and checking up on him can't have any good outcome - even if he is not online I will know the level of my insecurity and that may create distance.

Again - do not confront - discuss how things are going generally - after 7 months, do you have plans to get engaged - and if so, what is the timetable? Not that you need to discuss that, just asking how serious this is. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Thu, 07-10-2003 - 11:24am
WEll, I would say you two need a sit down talk to happen pretty soon. Anytime someone is feeling betrayed, left out, or just plain lied to, they need some clarity. Ask him. If you two are so involved and all that jazz, then you should have no problem asking him. If he really loves you, he wont get mad for you asking. Now, if he does get mad, then he has something to hide. I would say there is a reason he has put his ad up. Maybe he is keeping his options open. Who knows why, until you ask. So, just ask him. If he tries to turn it around on you, well then you know he is up to something. The relationship may not be as solid as you think then. Goodluck

Gail

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-10-2003 - 1:38pm
Deena, I disagree with not confronting him. She doesn't have to do it in a hostile manner, but she does need to lay what she knows on the line and see what he says. He's already *broken* trust by having an ad up when they've agreed to be exclusive, so that genie can't be put back into the bottle.

I hate to think what misery I'd be in if I'd continued to listen to what Ricky was telling me (i.e., that he loved me and wanted us to get married) rather than asking him why he had an ad up!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-10-2003 - 2:40pm
This is something you and I don't entirely agree on - I do not consider it cheating to have an ad up but it is tacky and it does raise huge red flags - I see the word confront as having hostile connotations which is why I worded it differently. For all I know, my bf has not yet taken down his online ad - we did not meet online - my approach is not to check, not to ask anyone to check and not to ask him - either I trust him, or I don't and the second I start checking up on him is the second I react improperly to any insecurities I might have. If for example he had his ad up on the computer and I was in the room then I might ask about it and express confusion but I would not jump to the conclusion that he was meeting others or emailing with others. For example, I took my ad down, (different service than his) and unsubscried but I continue to get emails from the service with pictures - i always look - why- I am curious to see if I know anyone and I find it amusing to see who they would match me up with - I have no doubts about my commitment to my bf and I would never think to email any of them. Is my behavior inconsistent with my commitment - you would say yes - I would say - absolutely not and I would be happy to share with him if he were to see the email or to ask - and he would be fine with it just like he was fine with the fact that I had coffee with a man who was interested in me because I was interested in him for business purposes - he said he trusts me and knew I would behave appropriately. And I did. I am sorry Ricky turned out not to be trustworthy - my take on that situation was not the fact that he had his ad up but that he continually lied about it when asked.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-10-2003 - 2:45pm
I don't consider it *cheating*, either, but if you're agreed to date exclusively, then having an ad up is inconsistent with agreeing not to date or be open to dating other people while you're in the relationship (and in our case, we *specifically* discussed and agreed to taking our ads down).

That said, I don't see any problem with looking at emails out of curiousity as you describe. That's a very different animal from putting an ad up.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Thu, 07-10-2003 - 3:14pm
I wouldn't 'confront' him in any kinda hostile or accusing manner. I'd just ask what the deal is, if he says he's not happy or wants to look more, tell him hey thats fine as long as you let me know so I can go find someone that will apreciate me. I'd keep my eyes and ears open around this guy if you continue to seeh him. I met the guy i'm involved with via Match.com and when we had a conversation about 3 weeks about about where 'we' are... he said he didn't know if he wanted a relationship more than what we have, which if me driving 100 miles to see him every weekend and us not sleeping with anyone else. Silly me though everyone on Match.com was looking for a commited relationship. But he was honest.. i'll give him that.

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