My CL date last night
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| Thu, 03-29-2007 - 9:27pm |
So I finally met the guy I've been talking to for the last 2 weeks. We had many really good conversations, he seems to have the same goals and lots of similar interests but I was worried that I wasn't going to be physically attracted to him. In his picture he looked kinda geeky and a little too skinny for me.
Well, I wish I had better news but I was right. He looked just like that in person and I so wasn't attracted. I had an ok time with him last night. We ended up going to this sports show that wasn't really my style, nor his for that matter then we went to dinner. The converstation was good but I just did not like his appearence at all. Unfortunately I don't know that that is going to change for me. Usually the only way I can get that to work is if I have a small bit of physical attraction. And I totally didn't have any at all.
I feel really bad and maybe I'm just shallow. But I knew that because we had talked so much before meeting there was a chance we built up too many expectations. Oh well I guess. I'm disapointed but I know I just need that attraction to be happy.
I have a 3rd date tomorrow night with the sarcastic guy. I'm really looking forward too it. I am very attracted to him and he makes me laugh. I'm a little questionable about weather he is going to be a good fit long term so I'm trying to take it slow and just see where things go but I am having fun getting to know him. I have a date with another new guy Sunday night. I think he may bee too old for my liking (8 years older), but he's very nice and we seem to have several things in common.
Hope everyone else is having good luck on the dating scene.
Jen

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Jen,
Now, I realize that physical attraction is helpful, but when everything is said and done, looks amount to very little. So, he may not have the build that you expect from most guys. Lets get something straight: looks may be important now, but rest assured, you won't look the same in 20 years. A lesson I learned a long time ago: no man or woman is perfect. I think every woman has these thoughts as to what kind of man they want. However, you have to be careful what you ask for, because sometimes, you won't like what you get. Life is not Burger King and having it your way. I guess as a woman I'm confused. You had a good conversation with this guy and continued on the date? Why? I have read through numerous posts on this site and not just yours. There are good guys out there yet the women on this board seem to tear every man apart. For what purpose? Does it make a woman feel better? I guess so.
Relationships require compromise. I realize from your past posts that unless exclusivity has been discussed and determined, you are not going to focus all of your efforts into one guy. I understand the concept, but the outcome has not changed. There's a saying: If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got. So, you have gone on a lot of dates, yet they haven't amounted to much. You didn't like it when "C" was dating more than one person, yet he was honest and upfront about it. Now, you turn around and do the same thing. Do these guys know about the other men in your life? I'm not trying to pick you to pieces, but trusting someone and knowing they are being honest is a huge part of any relationship.
As I said earlier, it appears that most women on this site, including myself, seem to boost their self-esteem my degrading these men. I'll admit, I've done it (not on iVillage). In the end, it does no good. We put ourselves on a pedestal while looking down on others. How can we change this? All of us are human beings and have to play with deck God gave us (for those of us who believe in God). Why can't we see past the skin?
I deal with criminals in my job for the State. Some criminals are really good looking. Let me tell you, if you saw what these people do to others, they wouldn't be so attractive. If anything, after seeing domestic abuse victims, reading criminal complaints, and talking to family members it makes a person step back and think about what they really want in a man and relationship.
Good men are hard to find. Choose wisely.
Vicki
No, I don't think that women tear every guy apart. Everyone has flaws but there are definitely positive posts out here. I don't believe anyone puts themselves on a pedastal, does that to make themselves feel better or to boost their self-esteem! Obviously no one is perfect but we each have the right to know what we want.
And while looks may fade, there MUST be an initial physical attraction, IMO. If you are not attracted to their looks, that rarely changes. As for me, I have liked a number of not-conventionally attractive guys - guys that had big noses, guys that were short, guys that had a belly, guys that had too much hair, whatever. What mainly attracted me to them was their sense of humor, intelligence or something else BUT despite that, I still had a level of physical attraction right off the bat even tho they might not have been drop dead gorgeous and someone else might not have found them attractive. We all know what we like and shouldn't have to settle for less because a guy made good conversation.
You are right, we shouldn't settle. However, that was not my point. I know what I like, but I also know what I will or won't tolerate. There is so much more to life than appearance. So, what happens in 10-20 years when you both don't look the same?
I was raised in a household where my parents are still together, almost 29 years later. Something we rarely see nowdays. My grandparents have been married for 55 years and my other set were married for 57 years (my Grandma died on their 57th wedding anniversary). What did I learn? The most successful relationships were built on respect, not on looks. Respect.
My point was this: men don't need to be bashed anymore than they already are. Yes, I have seen positive messages posted, but not many....
So, are we saying that if a man isn't as attractive as we may want him to be, that we should throw him to the curb? I refuse to accept that line of thought. I have dated guys who I didn't think I would be attracted to but grew to love and I have dated guys I thought were attractive and they turned out to be complete jerks.
We all deserve to be happy.
I don't understand--are you saying we should somehow force ourselves to be attracted to men we're not attracted to? How does that work? I've never been able to force an attraction--I either feel it or I don't.
Saying you're not attractED to someone is not the same thing as saying they aren't attractIVE. There are many guys who are attractive by conventional standards that I'm not attracted to in the least.
And I could not disagree more with the idea of discussing the fact that you're dating other people, unless and until you've been dating long enough to discuss exclusivity. It's just tacky, IMO--no one wants their face rubbed in it. The default is to assume that both people are dating others but look how much angst talking about it caused Jfur.
Sheri
Well I have to tell you that I'm not just looking for a pretty face. And yes, I have dated people and had successfull releationships with people that were less than average appearance wise. But in each of those cases I had some level of physical attraction to start out with, even if it was a small one.
I get that people change as you get older looks wise but, I also think it's a lot easier to accept someone's changes in looks as you grow with them vs trying to force an attraction that isn't there at all from the start. For me that has always been the case. Once I'm in love with someone I'm much more accepting of their flaws and changes over time.
I agree that there is much more to a relationship than just looks but I want both, the attraction and the connection. I don't thats too much to ask. And there are people out there I just have to find them. My version of good looking/what's attractive may not be the same as someone else's version of good looking/attractive. For the most part I think I'm pretty forgiving of people's flaws, but not everything is going to turn me on.
If it works for you to look completely past any physical qualities, more power to you. But physical attraction is something that's important to me, it isn't the most important because the connection I feel has to be there first. I will just as easily turn down a great looking guy if he can't connect with me mentally/emotionally and I would have posted the same kind of thing... "he isn't for me." But would I be bashed for that? I don't think so.
I'm looking for a life partner and if I'm not attracted to them how is that going to be satisfying? I want my partner to turn me on, I want to want him both physically and mentally. I think it's pretty hard to do that when you are turned off by someone's looks initally. I think most people would agree.
I went on that date because I was hoping that I would feel something more for him and because some people aren't photogenic, but it just wasn't there. And just because I enjoyed talking to him doesn't mean that he is the right fit for me. I could easily see myself being friends with him, but the romantic connection is null and void at this point, I felt pretty darn platonic twords him. Too me that isn't a good sign that he is the right one for me.
Jen
The thing I had with "C" so is not the same as this. C did not tell me about his other dates and i didn't tell him about mine until 3 weeks into it after going out on probably 10 dates. That's a far cry from meeting someone the frist time and still dating others.
Dating multiple people at once is a new thing for me and that's why I have had a hard time adjusting. But, I still think it's the right thing to do. That's what dating is for... to get to know people. Find out what you like and dislike. The only reason I was upset about it with C was because we had gone out so much and I had pretty strong feelings for him and I thought he had them too. I was more upset that he didn't feel the same way about me than the fact that he was dating other people. And I totally was dating other's while dating him up until a week before he told me he was still dating.
If I am asked by somone if I am dating others I do tell them and am honest about it. But it's not something I bring up on my own unles/until I am feeling I want to take things further with someone and I don't ask the guys I'm dating about theirs either. "C" told me without me asking him, I was assuming he was but it just made it all the more real once I knew for sure.
Just because you are dating several people in the beginning of relationships doesn't mean you aren't honest and trustworthy.
<>
I couldn't agree more with this. This is exactly how I feel about the CL guy from last night. He is attractive in many ways (thats the reason I stayed and chatted with him during dinner and why I went out in the first place) but I am not attractED and I didn't know that for sure until I met him in person.
Jen
Jen,
How do you think your date feels about himself right now?
-R
Edited 3/30/2007 10:05 am ET by summer_dreamer_77
I think you are way off in saying that most of these posts here tear apart men AND that most of us build oursleves up on a pedestal.
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