My good friend and I on same site

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
My good friend and I on same site
15
Mon, 02-20-2006 - 4:40pm

I need some advice. My good friend and I are both on a dating website and I have concerns. I know that we will be hearing from some of the same men and I do not want there to be jealousy and competition between my friend and I. I'm sure there are many out there in the same predicament. I know that friendship is more important than guys yada yada yada. Still, I am feeling nervous because what if we both like a guy and both want to go out with him. Do we sit down once a week and go through our list of men that contacted us and divide them up? Sounds silly I know but we are technically competing against one another right? It's a Jewish website and there are slim pickin's:) I'm just not sure how to go about this without coming across as jealous and I definitly don't want any of this to affect our friendship. My worst nightmare is we both have a date with the same guy in the same week! what to do? any thoughts are VERY welcome!

thanks

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-20-2006 - 5:06pm

Hmmm, that's an interesting issue! I haven't really had it come up...my friends and I don't seem to overlap too much.

I don't think I'd divvy up the guys, exactly, but I'd probably want to know when my friend had met someone she really liked (actually met in person, not just in the email/phone stage), and vice versa so as to avoid awkwardness. Up to that point, I think I'd have a don't ask, don't tell policy, other than to share negative information about guys to avoid.

Sheri

Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 02-20-2006 - 5:07pm

You're not competing for slim pickins... you're both looking for someone COMPATIBLE WITH YOURSELVES. Are you both looking for exactly the same type of guy? And are you and your friend so similar, that one guy would find BOTH of your profiles to be a good match for himself?


Can

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Mon, 02-20-2006 - 5:10pm

I have a friend that is also on the same site as I am (eHarmony) and she and I receive a lot of the same matches. We don't have any formal rules but we both agreed that if one of us likes a guy more than the other seems to, the one with the iffier feelings will back off and see how things progress with the other two. It's only come into play once or twice, really but there are definitely more to choose from on eH than what it sounds like you'll have. Oh and I should mention it only came into play once one of us had actually met and gone on a date or two with a guy. NOT at the email stage. In fact, we think it's kind of funny to compare our similar matches early on.

I think you and your friend will just have to talk it out and know that your friendship is more important than a guy (hopefully!). If you start to feel jealous because a guy likes her more than you or vice versa, remember that these are near strangers you met on a website! You don't know them, they don't know you and until you each get to know each other better. There is no real reason to get jealous over a guy you hardly know. It would be like if you two were at a club and you saw a guy that was cute. He came over and started talking to your friend instead of you. Would you feel a twinge of jealousy? Sure. Would you get in a knock-down, drag-out fight and let it ruin your friendship? I hope not!




Edited 2/20/2006 5:16 pm ET by vexer_hw

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
Mon, 02-20-2006 - 5:48pm

Agree.


 
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Mon, 02-20-2006 - 6:25pm

I wouldn't think of it as competition. I mean, really, are you going to be interested in the same men anyway?

Sure, at some point a guy is probably going to be interested in one of you but not the other. You just have to admit your true feelings for him - that is, you're probably not going to be that into him, and can't be upset just because someone else is. Make sense?



iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
Mon, 02-20-2006 - 7:12pm
Hi,
I would probably share the names of guys once in awhile, but I don't think it's an issue until someone becomes exclusive. Until then, why don't you just talk with each other about just letting each other know if you expect something to get serious?
E
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2005
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 2:44pm

I'm going to take a wild stab and assume the dating site is "j-date", where I also have a profile.

You'll find on any online site (or in dating in general) that some men are in it for the "chase" and some are actually looking for a real relationship. I have had your experience- only it was SEVERAL (like 5) of my friends and I who were competing for the same guys. It was weird because sometimes I was going out with someone who had just gone out with my friends.

I don't think there's anything to worry about- if you and your friend went to a single's event and you both liked the same guy- I'm sure you guys would know how to handle it. The same goes with this site- if she's a good friend you can compare notes- and if you one of you really likes someone, you just ask her to lay off.

I wouldn't worry about it being a nightmare- my neighbor and I (who are both blondes) seem to get a lot of the same guys even though we are six years difference in age. A few weeks ago I went out with this guy who was AWFUL in person. A week later she tells me that she went out with him a few days later and upon showing up at the same building in less than a week- he told her he had just gone out with someone from the building. She thought he was annoying also! So we had a good laugh. Try it and let me know- I'm always curious over other people's j-date experiences.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 5:50am
yes I have a thought...why don't you guys date people that are not jewish too instead of just jewish.Does it really matter what religion these people are?I think that you and your friend are limiting yourselves..but that's just my opinion.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 10:11am
In my experience, Jewish people tend to focus on potential mates in their own religion. While it does happen that people marry outside their faith, the Jewish religion tends to "encourage" their followers to marry within their own faith. So for most Jewish people, dating outside their religion is not something they would consider.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 10:58am
I wouldn't even bother. I would just date and see how it goes with the men and then if you are serious with someone tackle it then.

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