My Lesson from Online Dating

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2004
My Lesson from Online Dating
30
Sat, 03-10-2007 - 10:44am
Well, I definitely learned a big lesson about my recent online dating experience. I am a lurker on this board and love reading people's experiences about online dating. I finally realized that I need to start applying the guidelines I see here to my own experiences. I met a guy on match.com and we emailed every couple days for about two and half weeks. I loved reading his emails because he has a way with words. I could tell that he was mature, caring, had a big heart, etc. His profile definitely listed the qualities that I was looking for in someone. Then we switched to talking on the phone. Our first conversation was almost 5 hours long and he continued to call me everyday until we met for a date in person. He had told me in the beginning that he was going to be a father in June. I didn't view it as a dealbreaker because I liked the fact that he was honest with me and he and the other woman were going to be mature adults about the situation raising this baby together. I really liked him as a person and wanted to get to know him better. Then I meet him in person and his pictures were totally deceiving! We went to a restaurant and I ended up staying for two hours. I found out during dinner that his baby's mamma is his next door neighbor. That probably shouldn't bother me, but if I was seriously dating this guy I would feel weird having his baby's mamma next door. This guy ended up talking the whole time during dinner because he was nervous and just annoying me in the process. He wrote me an email after the date saying he hoped I had fun and it was a pleasure meeting me. I wrote him back the next day saying that I didn't think it was going to go any further. I didn't think his situation would be okay for me to get involved with. I am mad at myself for letting myself get so emotionally involved with a guy that I hadn't even met and then he turns out to be completely different in person. He sounded so good to be true and he really was. He made himself out to be this super sweet, caring, nice guy raised with morals and to respect women, but has a one night stand with his neighbor who gets pregnant! He is just a typical guy in my opinion. I need to approach online dating differently. I want to be on more than one website, talk to more than one guy, have short emails, I want to call and not give my number out, and not start to form my true opinion of someone until I meet them in person. I am also going to keep the first meeting to coffee in case I discover that I don't like someone in the first five minutes. This was only my second online date, but I feel like I was put through the ringer.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 10:03pm
If that is the case, I am sincerely sorry. There has been someone on the boards with a similar nickname to yours who has posted saracastic responses so I do apologize for the mix up.
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 1:07am

This illustrates the danger of online/written communication and how easily we misunderstand each other. No wonder the online dating thing is so hard huh? It is hard enough to covey what we mean in person much less here on the net. That is why I love Marshall Rosenberg's Non Violent Communication process (www.cnvc.org) for he talks about listening without evaluating or judging first.

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 2:01pm
I apologize. I thought your post was meant to be sarcastic, I had no idea that it was sincere. Again, it's hard to decipher what people mean by writing. I guess I made this assumption because I thought that on the life in your 30s board that you were the poster who was telling me that I was insensitive to my friend because of the problems I've been having with her and took this as an attack. Again, it appears as if I took it wrong and sometimes it's hard to potray tones of voice and such through writing. Next time I'll ask for clarification and not make assumptions. Thanks for your explanation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 2:04pm
so true, I also thought this was the same poster that has posted sarcastic remarks in the past and I didn't ask for clarification. It's VERY hard to decipher through writing what someone means and when you are online dating it can be a big problem.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2007
Fri, 03-16-2007 - 12:58am

The little contremps that has just happened here is why I am so --well--leery of OLD in the first place.
Being fairly new (again) to this OLD world I have really had a bit of a difficult time understanding all the unwritten rules and what is meant by some phrases...I do not know Sandy but also read her remark as being rather snide.
If this is the case what hope is there for most of us who have graduated from hanging out in bars?
OLD is about the only way to meet people and yet we really learn so little about them from all the profiles and emails and IM's that we do.

Really I wonder if it's just best to jump right into the pool and meet someone sooner rather than later....
But how to make that work in this busy era is the question...right now I'm doing the occasional email with several nice sounding men as well as infrequently dating 'Boy Toy' with whom I am, I think, going to nicely send the way of some other much younger woman...we just have so little in common.
Is it best to just date one person at a time-or is that 'throwing all ones eggs into the same basket?'
If I decide to date a couple of men in the same time period does that make me a"serial dater?"another phrase I've heard around here.
Aarrggg there are so many things I don 't know yet or have changed so much since the olden days when last I dated.
I like the list that someone started--any chance of making that into an essay for posting and referal by all we new people coming to the group?
Also a list of words and meanings--some I figured out (as in To Ghost someone is to just quit calling/to disappear..right?)
Ah well I'm off to bed-too much excercise tonignt, trying to make up for 5 days away from the gym
eellee in orygun

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2005
Fri, 03-16-2007 - 1:19am

I love these tips...

OK, I will add...

*Don't correspond with the ALL CAPS GUY!!!

Gal Blondie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Fri, 03-16-2007 - 2:10am

Honey, take it from me who has had HER OWN share of rudeness from a couple posters ... DONT worry about it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2006
Fri, 03-16-2007 - 3:57am

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE ALL CAPS GUY? I THINK YOU ARE BEING DISCRIMINATORY AGAINST ALL CAPS PEOPLE WITH YOUR MESSAGE. YOU ARE A BIG MEANIE.

:)

Yes, that's actually probably a good tip. I'd add that just because someone isn't the greatest speller or writer in the world is probably NOT a reason to bypass them. I've known a few women who just weren't very good writers, but who turned out to be quite lovely in real life.

And it's probably even more important for the ladies, because y'all write more than men do... so when it comes to writing, many guys have zip for skills. If they don't write on their jobs, they might not write much at all in their lives- which leads to trouble in OLD.

So, give that person with the crappy grammar and spelling at least a little bit of a second thought!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Fri, 03-16-2007 - 11:52am
yeah, I'm working on trying not to worry about stupid stuff, one thing I have been working on for awhile. Besides half the time (although sometimes obviously harsh) the poster doesn't even mean to be offensive and it just SEEMS that way. I do know that you've had your fair share of rudeness and kudos to you for continuing to post. I hope your dating adventures are continuing to go well, sounds like you have some prospects and that you are taking things lightly and having a good time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Fri, 03-16-2007 - 3:22pm
I came across my XH's ad on Plentyoffish. Not ONLY did he use a pic where he looks like a SERIAL KILLER, for real!

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