My lunch "date"

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
My lunch "date"
15
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 8:16pm

So, for those of you who are following my very dull adventures, I went to lunch today with the guy I first met (for lunch) earlier this week. The meal went pleasantly, we had a lot to say to each other, we seem to agree about a lot of things. But he said nothing about going out on a date after this. So it may be that he just thinks of me as a possible good friend.

The way I handled the "shall I pay," question that had been concerning me was I asked, "Will I offend you if I offer to pay half?" He said that he wasn't offended, but this was his treat and I could treat some other time.

I am not sure he would have said this if he were thinking of this as a date instead of the beginning of a platonic friendship. I would prefer him as someone to date because I find him attractive and I am lonely. However, I don't want to spoil the possibility of being friends by mistaking his friendship for romantic interest that he is not feeling. On the other hand, I worry that if I don't indicate some romantic interest he will think I am not interested.

The two main reasons I think he may just want to be friends is (1) that he hasn't flirted with me at all in person. He hasn't said flattering things about my appearance or tried to touch me subtly (or not subtly) and (2) that he hasn't said anything about going out at night or to do anything except lunch.

On the other hand, he did talk as though he wants us to get together for lunch again, and he also made a point of IM-ing me this afternoon to say hi and that he had enjoyed our lunch. But he didn't propose doing it again or suggest our meeting again.

SO I guess I just treat it like a friendship for a while. If he doesn't ask me to lunch (or something better) next week, I guess I'll suggest lunch the week after that. And we may settle into a nice friendship. One can never have too many friends.

Meanwhile there is a guy I am not very interested in that wants to meet. I'm not very interested because he is in a different town and he doesn't seem all that interested in me either. But I may meet him. What have I got to lose?

Elsa

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 8:53pm

Hon, did you ever think that the fact that you intially went into this thinking you'd just want him to be a friend is sending out those vibes to him? I think if he only wanted friendship, he wouldn't have paid the tab.


But something concerns me... the fact that you're lonely is not a reason to start anything with anyone. I'm afraid you'll just wind up choosing guys who aren't right for you.


And also, stop with the negative self talk!!! Your adventures are not dull, stop putting yourself down in every post miss!!!


Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 9:10pm

I'm confused. I thought you wanted to convey that you wanted to be "just friends" and now you are seeking to be more than that?

Regardless I see every encounter as being "just friends" and see if there is mutual chemistry or not. I have met a couple of women where the chemistry was created later for whatever reason. I have made out with "friends" before after this happened.

I would suggest not to label the relationship (friends, potential lover, whatever) but just to go with the flow and enjoy the moment.

Best,
Mark

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 10:37pm

Hmm. Hard to say. Him suggesting lunch *again* doesn't seem like a sign he's interested in more than a friendship, but maybe he's one of those guys who likes to do the whole "friends first" thing (something I've never understood, really...to me, you're either attracted to me as more than a friend, or you're not).

But that's not a bad outcome even if he does want to be friends...I know you wanted to increase your social circle. Heck, maybe he has a friend he could introduce you to if that's how it turns out!

I guess I'd think of him as a friend and not really allow myself to hope for more--that way I wouldn't be too disappointed if that's how it turned out. But I would still act at least a bit flirtatious when I saw him, to keep that possibility alive.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Sat, 01-13-2007 - 12:09am

Oh well, my adventures ain't exactly out of "sex in the city." ;) That's all I meant.

I don't know about vibes. It's not so much that I want to be just friends as that I don't want to screw up a possible friendship by acting like I want something more.

As to my getting involved in something that I don't want because I am lonely, believe me, if that were the case, I would be dating a lot more than I have. My problem is I am very picky, not that I am ready to settle.

The thing about this guy is that he is a "possible." And because there is no one else, and I am lonely, I am vulnerable to giving this "possible" more importance than he deserves. I don't really know this guy, I have no idea if we would suit. So, we'll see.

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Sat, 01-13-2007 - 12:14am

Mark, I am sorry if I was unclear. I always thought this guy had potential for romance/dating. But I also thought we could be friends. And I worried that if he wasn't interested in me romantically and got the feeling that I was interested in him romantically, it might spoil the possibility of friendship.

I completely agree that all relationships should begin with friendship. But there is a sort of feeling that I get when a man is interested in maybe taking that friendship further, and so far I am not getting it from this guy in person though I do get it in his e-mails and IM's.

Certainly just going with the flow is a good idea.

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Sat, 01-13-2007 - 12:17am

Well, I want to widen my social circle to go out at night, not for lunch!! I have lots of people to have lunch with. I don't need one more. :) What I need is people to go out to dinner with.

But as I said before, I'd rather have a friend out of this than nothing at all. I can only wait and see.

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Sat, 01-13-2007 - 9:38am

Hi Elsa,


I think it's important to get clear on what you want. You say you don't want to ruin a potential friendship and I totally get that. But until you're clear on what you want, I don't think you'll get it. I went through the same exact thing and someone gave me that advice. At first I thought yeah, right. But once I got really clear with what I wanted from a guy, things started falling into place. Before then though it was like a soup of guys who wanted friends, friends with benefits, etc.


Hope this helps. And keep on trucking! :o)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Sat, 01-13-2007 - 11:06am

I know what I want. I want it all! :)

Seriously, the short answer to the question of what I want is that I want men to go out with. I like dining out, going to concerts, etc. Most of my female friends are married/attached. I don't have a lot of male friends that aren't also married, and even those that aren't married wouldn't think of going out with me on what might seem like a date. So I need company for evening activities. Lunch and afternoon coffee are my main social events these days, and I'd like something more.

I went into online dating looking for companionship. I am a realist, so I figure I may not get a great romance out of it. I'll really take anything I can get, that will give me companionship from an interesting, intelligent man who shows me kindness and respect. If he will also be attractive and attracted to me, that would be ideal, but as I said, I'm a realist. If I can't have a romance, I'll settle for "just friends."

So it's not so much that I am confused as that I am trying to keep my options open. I am picky about the individuals I choose to go out with. I feel I should try to be flexible about the kinds of relationships I am open to.

Does that make sense?

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Sat, 01-13-2007 - 11:15am

It makes perfect sense, yes.


I guess I have a differing opinion on this. I believe that if you ultimately want a relationship, you have to declare it to the universe and let things fall into place. It's my belief (and you don't have to agree) that if you are open to all options, then that's what you'll get--just anything. So that's what I meant when saying you have to know what you want. I hope that makes sense. Just different perspectives on going about what we want... :o)


Curious... and if you put this in a different post, my apologies. Where do you live? And if you're comfortable with sharing, how old are you?

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 01-13-2007 - 12:53pm

I find it for most people that the first face-to-face meeting after sharing online and/or on the phone can be ummm "different." I think people are freer to be looser, more themselves (?) when not showing up in person or at least a different persona.

I know when I met this one woman off MySpace, she thought I was more reserved in person. I told her on IM that unless the other person responds right away then you think that s/he left the computer or doing something else. In person I listen more rather do my quick and witty comebacks as I did on IM.

I think like anything else, getting to know someone takes time. I would pay more attention to the chemistry part and how the whole "energy" between you two (and from him) feels.

I hope things work out. I know it does not get easier as we get older.

Mark

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