My lunch "date"

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
My lunch "date"
15
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 8:16pm

So, for those of you who are following my very dull adventures, I went to lunch today with the guy I first met (for lunch) earlier this week. The meal went pleasantly, we had a lot to say to each other, we seem to agree about a lot of things. But he said nothing about going out on a date after this. So it may be that he just thinks of me as a possible good friend.

The way I handled the "shall I pay," question that had been concerning me was I asked, "Will I offend you if I offer to pay half?" He said that he wasn't offended, but this was his treat and I could treat some other time.

I am not sure he would have said this if he were thinking of this as a date instead of the beginning of a platonic friendship. I would prefer him as someone to date because I find him attractive and I am lonely. However, I don't want to spoil the possibility of being friends by mistaking his friendship for romantic interest that he is not feeling. On the other hand, I worry that if I don't indicate some romantic interest he will think I am not interested.

The two main reasons I think he may just want to be friends is (1) that he hasn't flirted with me at all in person. He hasn't said flattering things about my appearance or tried to touch me subtly (or not subtly) and (2) that he hasn't said anything about going out at night or to do anything except lunch.

On the other hand, he did talk as though he wants us to get together for lunch again, and he also made a point of IM-ing me this afternoon to say hi and that he had enjoyed our lunch. But he didn't propose doing it again or suggest our meeting again.

SO I guess I just treat it like a friendship for a while. If he doesn't ask me to lunch (or something better) next week, I guess I'll suggest lunch the week after that. And we may settle into a nice friendship. One can never have too many friends.

Meanwhile there is a guy I am not very interested in that wants to meet. I'm not very interested because he is in a different town and he doesn't seem all that interested in me either. But I may meet him. What have I got to lose?

Elsa

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Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 01-13-2007 - 1:01pm

For me, when a woman acts interested, e.g. flirtatious then I start getting more interested. Otherwise I tend to hold back. So my suggestion is like Sheri's, if you are interested in him then act it.

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Sat, 01-13-2007 - 2:01pm

Hi Kerry,

I have mentioned my age before. I turned 51 last month. I don't like to be more specific about my location than "The Southeast" because I have several acquaintances that use i-village also who I don't want to be able to identify my posts as mine. (None are on this board, as far as I know, but ...) I'm in a largish town (or a smallish city) not too far from a large but not major city which is surrounded by other towns. It is a fairly conservative area of the country, which somewhat limits my dating options, since I am progressive in politics and religion.

As to what I "ultimately" want, I really don't know, and it is too soon to know. My divorce was final a scant year ago. For 20+ years I was married and not thinking of how to date, who to date, how to find someone to date me. It was never part of my life plan to be looking for dates at this age. I am not sure that I ever want to be married again. Probably not. I am not sure that I ever want to live with someone again (though I don't rule it out). I know that it is too early to know. It is going to take time to figure out my long-term goals/wishes.

In the meantime, I do know what I want in the short range. I want male companionship, I want people to do things with, I want to get a sense of what is out there for me. Maybe I'll get where you are eventually, but in the meantime I do want "anything" -- so long as it is "something."

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Sat, 01-13-2007 - 2:07pm

Hi Mark,

Thanks for your comments. I agree that getting a feeling for the "chemistry" is important. But it is hard, when we have only met a couple of times. E-mail and IM, as you say, are not always revealing of the full person.

My plan right now is to let things ride for a week. If I have not had any suggestions from him about meeting next week, I will suggest lunch the following week. After that the ball will be in his court.

Yes, it does get harder as we get older. Good luck to you also.

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2005
Sat, 01-13-2007 - 5:43pm
I went on two dates last week with an attractive lady. I IM'd her on the dating site we both are on. After 'chatting' for 2 1/2 hours I asked her out for lunch. One of her first comments was that 'I needed to lose weight'. That kind of set the tone for the rest of the date and spoke volumes to me that there wasn't much chemistry. I did ask her out again for dinner which she accepted. The whole time she sat with her arms crossed which we all know is a no no if your trying to show any interest and a signal that there is no interest. At this point there was no flirting by me-there was a clear message that this wasn't going to go anywhere. Since I'm on a dating site to meet someone, I am not interested in meeting new 'friends'. Friends to me means that they can talk to you about anything and the last thing I want to hear about is a failed date on her part. I am usually the laid back type and I wait for the signal that there is interest. That can mean anything from the way they look at me, touching my arm, laughing at my stupid jokes,smiling ALOT- like you really are enjoying my company. And keep the conversation 'light'- no dumping on the ex, or being difficult with the waitress.. Just my opinion.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Sat, 01-13-2007 - 6:39pm

Oh dear. How unpleasant for you! I agree with you that such behavior is rude and not conducive to getting a friend, much less a relationship.

I'm lucky in that I've never (yet) had a guy tell me I needed to lose weight, but I did have one guy who spent our whole first meeting talking about his horrible divorce and the things he and his wife had been doing to each other. Needless to say, there was no second meeting.

I would certainly never say anything to my date that suggested I didn't find him attractive (even if I didn't) and the closest I've ever come to indicating disapproval of a date has been when I have quietly added to his meager tip for the waitress. (Hoping he wouldn't notice, but more concerned about not abusing the waitstaff.) That woman you were out with was rude. This is not even a person you would want as a friend.
Unlike you, I do feel that even if two people don't hit it off as a couple they may become friends and that one shouldn't rule out that possibility when the date doesn't work out as a date. However, I can see how not everyone would agree with me.

My own situation is very different from what you are describing. I have had two very pleasant lunches with this guy, I have laughed at his jokes (and he at mine) and we really seem to hit it off. If he has gotten the impression that I am only interested in being friends (and I don't know that he has) it is for something as subtle as whatever has made me feel that he only wants to be friends. We obviously like each other. But I am not sure if there just isn't enough of a "spark" or if both of us are suppressing that spark in fear of being rejected.

Only time and a couple of other meetings can tell.

Elsa

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