My Man-Reading Skills--FAIL.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2010
My Man-Reading Skills--FAIL.
Tue, 03-30-2010 - 6:25pm

Hi all *waves*! I'm a newbie here, but I figured if I had a question about dating of the online variety, asking it of those in the trenches with me is probably the wise way to go. So, I'll jump right in.

I delved back into online dating after a 4.5 year dating hiatus (by choice). I wanted to make sure I dealt with as much emotional baggage as possible so I could be at a place that was good when I decided to start dating again.

I created my profile and sent off a bunch of messages to guys who interested me.

I've now been out on three dates with one guy, all three lasting 6+ hours and all of them spent talking and talking and talking (which is fine by me). We also tend to text, IM, phone, etc. nearly every day.

I, by no means, think we're all exclusive or in a relationship--just want that clear upfront for the rest of this.

The issue comes in with the physical aspects of things. I'll admit the first night we got a little (ok, more than a little) drunk (damn you St. Patty's day) and had a nice little makeout session when I dropped him off at his apt. Nothing major, nothing remotely offensive to me.

Since that night, it's been pretty much nothing physically. On our date last night, I kissed him, and the response seemed lackluster to me---he didn't stop it or anything. He just didn't seem into it.

I'm not sure what to think...he's made it clear that he considers us 'dating...and testing the waters to see where it goes', which is pretty much where I'm at. I just kinda want a little more physicality to go with the toe-dipping!

I don't feel comfortable, at this point, asking him about it, but I have to admit, I'm a little frustrated because I'm just not getting a good read or even my patented gut instinct on this one.

So...with that long bit of prose, any thoughts, input, encouragement, swift slaps upside the head? :)

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 03-30-2010 - 8:42pm

Date other guys. If he does not step up and become more physical then move on. You two seem to have a very good intellectual connection (with all those daily texts, emails, IMs, calls plus 18 hrs of face-to-face time). If you are the one who has to initiate the physical-sexual contact then I would think it would not be a match.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2010
Tue, 03-30-2010 - 9:22pm

Thanks Mark--I am dating other people and I'm assuming he's seeing others to, but for obvious reasons it's not high on our discussion list.

And I do agree that we have a great intellectual/mental connection and we have great fun together--the tears in the eyes laughter kind of fun.

I think that's why I'm so baffled...I'm not going to say that I found him drop dead gorgeous when we first met, but by then end of the first date I was certainly attracted to him because of the aforementioned things.

I do appreciate your input...if for no other reason that it seems to be inline with how I was viewing the situation.

Thanks again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2001
Wed, 03-31-2010 - 8:10pm

Yeah, I agree with Mark, plus he's got the manly POV and we women always like that slant.

If a guy isn't making the moves, especially if he's made 'em initially, it doesn't exactly make a woman feel her best. And who needs that.

I wonder how he'll react when you pull back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Wed, 03-31-2010 - 8:54pm

Well, Since you are getting along so well...I have to say I would probably be inclined to open up my big mouth and just ask.

Maybe he felt foolish at getting a little careless the first time and is trying to be a gentleman.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2010
Thu, 04-01-2010 - 4:07pm

i opened my big mouth and asked...and got the response i expected 'i'm very happy with not defining things and seeing where they go'. Which to me screams one of two things 1. he's not interested in my beyond platonically or 2. i'm the 'placeholder' and a distraction until something better comes along. Neither of which I want.

So, upon a few other statements from me, he said "with the direction this conversation is taking, we should probably just be friends if that's a possibility".

Now, if he would've said 'hey, i only like you platonically' a week and half or two weeks ago, i probably would've been ok with that. But, too much time, too much communication and time spent together makes me think that all i'd be doing in that capacity is waiting for him to change his mind--which isn't a friendship.

So, I cut this one loose completely. I'm a little sad and disappointed (and feeling like a bit of dating failure), but I know it's the right thing and those emotions will go away fairly quickly since I wasn't really entrenched in this emotionally. I think it's just my ego getting bruised a bit. :)

Thank you for your input everyone!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Fri, 04-02-2010 - 12:00am

I had the same thing happen. I met a guy (he approached me) and we got along great, talked really easily, we grew up in the same town, had lots of the same viewpoints...

We actually went on 7 dates and I never got more than a hug. I couldn't figure out what the 'problem' was. He 'dumped' me via a phone message and I can't say it broke my heart because I could never figure out what he wanted - a new BFF or a GF!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2008
Fri, 04-02-2010 - 4:04pm
I disagree with mark you do not know what's up as he may not know.
Some men are more assertive than others. He may not have the social experience to "read" you and or he could be a victim of Political correctness.
You may need to seduce him. Many of my women friends feel like with some guys they need a cast iron skillet to communicate.
Directions: purchase one cast iron skillet,apply to back of clueless male head with a quick sharp motion. Drag off!
He needs to know your intentions!!

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