"My TYPE"

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
"My TYPE"
4
Fri, 11-17-2006 - 1:18pm

Reading the posts on "Chemistry" gave me some food for thought, but lately I've been thinking a lot about what "my type" actually means.

Background: Recently divorced (2nd time around), I'm 30 with 2 nearly teen kids...

My first husband was blue-collar, charming, into "partying" (didn't know about the drug habit until married), financially irresponsible, not a talker (I am!), very CONTROLLING & JEALOUS, and funny as hell...

Here's lil' ol' me thinking, I need to next time fall for the total opposite of my first H, right...

Fast forward to 2nd marriage: white-collar, shy & quiet but makes me laugh, mature (not into partying, but likes to drink at bars sometimes), very responsible financially & generous, but alas, not a talker, find out a year into it that he's VERY CONTROLLING, VERY JEALOUS and not good with kids (by this time (had 2 little ones).

10 years later, I'm out on the dating scene again, and re-thinking what I'm attracted too & why...

New BF: blue collar, content to be partying or quiet at home doesn't drink but has been "known" to do a 'recreational drug or two in his life', financially irresponsible yet very generous, not a talker (again) but makes me laugh, great with my kids, not yet controlling, but I can see where there may be jealousy issues down the road... Seems to me, on paper at least, to be a blend of both my exes...red flag, anyone?!?

So, for some reason the controlling & jealous part keeps coming back to haunt me. Is it because I'm essentially insecure therefore it makes me feel secure when they are jealous? I'm a strong, independent, professionally successful women in my mid-thirties who is very confident in almost all areas of my life... Why do I keep falling for the same TYPE?

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 11-17-2006 - 1:51pm

From the book I am currently reading, "Keeping the love your find: A personal guide" by Harville Hendrix:

"Our 'free' choice of a mate is, in the end, a product of our unconscious, which has an agenda of its own. And what the unconscious whats is to become whole and to heal the wounds of childhood. To this end, it is carrying around tis own detailed picture of a proper match, searching not for the right stats, but for the right chemistry. And what is that chemistry? Nothing more than our unconscious attraction to someone who we feel will meet our particular emotional needs. Specifically, that need is to cover the 'shortfall' of childhood by having our mates fill in the psychological gaps left by our imperfect childhood caretakers."

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Fri, 11-17-2006 - 2:39pm

How interesting! Thank you for your thought provoking reply. However, I did not have a difficult or particularly emotionally wounding childhood, so this leaves me with still a lot of question marks.

For the record, my parents are still married after 40 years (should be a positive example). My dad is very laid-back & not the jealous type, from what I can tell, but my mother could be considered bossy & the jealous one. I don't know if I buy into the theory that "mates fill in the psychological gaps left by our imperfect childhood caretakers."

So this leaves addt'l questions to ponder: Would my relationship(s) be more successful if I "broke with type" and looked for someone completely different and not my type? Is it possible that we are more comfortable (knowing we'll eventually be misrable) falling back on our type, than to explore the unknown, therefore uncomfortable?

And also, I don't believe in instant chemistry -- I think if a person is fairly attractive, as you get to know him better the "chemistry" builds and grows as a bond or connection.

I would love to hear other stories so please share your experiences!

Thanks, Lola

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Fri, 11-17-2006 - 2:40pm

Ok, my OWN track record isnt stellar, but how serious ARE you with this new BF?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Fri, 11-17-2006 - 5:24pm

Rebecca, I want to say that I have enjoyed following your posts on numerous boards and fully respect what you are saying to me here!

Let me clarify about the new bf: Most people I know have done a recreation drug or 2 in their life, doesn't mean they still do. The fact that he doesn't drink but still enjoys going out and hanging with friends that still do is okay with me. And drugs or drinking are NEVER something brought into my home or in front of my kids. I don't want to be with a complete homebody cuz I'm not... Also, you're probably very right about the jealousy thing, which is something I just don't understand because I don't and never have had a jealous bone in my body. As far as financial responsibility goes, I'm not all that into his finances yet, I know I make more than he does, and I'm far more materialistic than he is. What I have noticed is that he only uses cash, no credit cards, and seems to be living pay check to pay check, which I understand a lot of people do. I used to! He's been very generous while out on dates, and with gifts/tokens for the kids etc. I haven't got a clear picture of his financial situation yet, so I'll reserve judgement for now. But thanks for the warning!

I've dated numerous guys in the 8 months since the official divorce (was divorced emotionally in my mind years before the actual) and this is the first one I've let fully into my life, my kids life, etc. I feel so comfortable with him. If you've seen any of my other posts, you'll know that's it's happened very fast and I'm somewhat conflicted but feel helpless to slow it down... This relationship has potential in my eyes. And I don't want to be alone. Not that I NEED a man, just want one in my life. In my marriage my husband travelled 75% of the time and I always felt for the past 10 years like a single mom who dated her husband when he was in town.

I guess instead of throwing my $$$ at a therapist, I found you guys! Ha! So far, I really love the insight and support and, yes opposing opinions too, that I recieve when I post. And I feel emotionally stable in ever other aspect of my life, I'm just so unsure about this relationship stuff.

By the way, your story about your XH has intrigued me as has the talk about exclusivity or not exclusivity with your current beau... i feel that we have had a lot of similarities in our lives and I really connect to your posts. Thanks for your honest repsonse to my post!

Lola