Myspace - I'm addicted and I met someone

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2005
Myspace - I'm addicted and I met someone
10
Tue, 11-29-2005 - 3:03pm

Hi everyone,

I've posted on other boards, but this is my first time on this one. Anyway, here's my situation... I'm sure alot of you know about that lovely little site called myspace.com. If you know about it and use it, you know it can get addicting (to put it mildly). People on there mostly like to see how many "friends" they can rack up, most of whom don't even talk to each other.

Anyway, about a month ago I met this guy on there. I live in NY and he lives in CT, an hour away driving distance. We talked online over myspace, aol, and on the phone for about a month, and then this past Saturday he drove out to NY to visit me. He shelled out the $ to stay in a hotel here, took me to breakfast the next morning, and we had a really nice time together. I dont know how, but I really got to like him a lot VERY fast. I'm 29 and he's 31. He says i'm the first person he's ever actually met in person off there (I dont know how true that is though).

Anyway, last night I was chatting with him online and we got to talking about next time we get together. I dont know if this was a mistake but I kind of told him i'm scared to keep being with him like I was Saturday because I could see myself really getting into him and I dont know if he feels like that. He said I should stop over-analyzing or I wont enjoy hanging out with him as much. He also said he wouldn't have spent the money and the time to come out to NY if he wasn't interested. Also, he said if all he wanted was sex he wouldn't have to go all the way to NY for that. I guess that's a good point. He said we should hang out a few more times and see what happens. I'm just scared because i'm starting to like him a lot. Also, with the whole myspace thing, my job is VERY boring and i'm on there all day talking to him and I dont want him to think i'm up his butt looking for him or something. What should I do to keep it cool and not make him run the other way knowing how interested I am??

Sorry this was so long.
jacki

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Tue, 11-29-2005 - 3:18pm

It sounds like you might have found a quality guy out there! But yes, it is very important to play it cool and to not get too hooked on him too quickly. That's probably just going to lead to expectations being dashed and feelings hurt.

Best bet is to try to stay involved in other things and still talk to other guys even if you feel like you don't want to right now. Even if your job is boring, find something else to do so that you're not talking to him all the time. Stay active with friends and other activities so you're not thinking about him when you're not talking to him! ;-)

Take it slow and get to know him better - don't assume he's lying about meeting anyone else or anything unless he proves to be untrustworthy. An hour away is not too bad and you two can get to know each other better before making any big decisions about where you are headed. Good luck!

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-29-2005 - 3:22pm

Well, since your breakup was so recent, it's not surprising that you would feel vulnerable. You might want to re-think dating again so soon...it sure doesn't sound like you are ready.

The way you have been so ready to have him fill all the empty spaces and time in your life points out a big gap in your life, whether he's in it or not. You shouldn't have TIME to spend all day online with him, boring job or not, because there should be so many OTHER things you have going on. THAT is how you "keep it cool"...you have a full life of your own that you *add* a potential partner to, rather than making the new potential partner the center of your waking hours.

As for sex...you'd be surprised how far (some) guys will go and how much they will spend in order to have sex. I hope you didn't sleep with him right away and don't intend to for a while...THAT will be the true measure of his interest level and intentions...if he continues to invest time, effort and money in your potential relationship without sex being on the table for the time being.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2005
Tue, 11-29-2005 - 3:32pm

Hi,

That's the thing. I went into this kind of with a bad attitude that i'm sure most women have felt at one time or another. I was thinking to myself "I haven't been with anyone in a long time and i'm sick of being good all the time. I'm just gonna do what I want for once" - I went into it with the intention of being with him because besides all the good conversations we have there's also a lot of sexual tension when we talk to each other and I was going to treat it like a friendly hook-up type of thing, no strings. We didn't talk about what was going to happen or anything, it just happened. We ended up being together, but here's the kicker... Without getting too personal, let's just say something happened with me where not much happened. We had to stop. It was weird because he still acted awesome about everything and we're still talking now just as much as before, so i'm not so sure about the whole "if you slept with him that's it" thing... I just hope things aren't ruined because i'd like to continue on and see what happens.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-29-2005 - 3:44pm

Yeah...that's the thing, you are WAAAY too fragile to do NSA sex. You have to be in a REALLY strong, grounded place for that to work for most women.

Plus, you've already become emotionally involved, so, so much for THAT idea!

I'm very afraid for you that this will end badly and you will be thrown into more despair than ever because of not having fully worked through your grief over your recently ended relationship. That's the most terrible thing about rebounds...when they end, you not only have the grief from THAT ending, you still have it from the previous relationship. So you greatly increase your pain...is the "gain" really worth it?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2005
Tue, 11-29-2005 - 4:15pm

Hi there,

I want you to consider that sometimes these things do work out. You met a guy that you like that likes you. You met a guy that not only likes you but says he wants to see you again and is willing to invest the time and money to do so. Id say so far so good..You always have to be careful and worry about getting hurt etc. But isn't that the nature of dating? As far as the sex thing.. Can't cry over spilled milk, he will show his true colors eventually if hes up to no good. Just trust your instincts.

I'll tell you my story..

I met my bf 4 months ago on myspace. I emailed him first and we met that same week. I saw him more often then I "should" have. We talked about feelings etc way earlier then we "should" have. In a month we probably went out about a dozen times and we had sex after like our 8th date. He and my brother are becoming good friends and he met my mother on thanksgiving. Yeah, it might not work out in the long run, but there are no guarantees. But I would be kicking myself right now if I bailed before I really knew what he was about.

So give it a chance, we do tend to over analyze things instead of just letting them happen. You don't want to miss out on something great because you were afraid of what *might* happen. Like we always say on this board, be cautiously optimistic.

We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-29-2005 - 4:27pm

Were you also just out of a long-term relationship that had a very difficult, painful breakup?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Tue, 11-29-2005 - 4:36pm

Sorry, I didn't know the part about just getting out of a LTR after a messy breakup. That wasn't on this post. Then yes, proceed with EXTREME caution. Chances are this is kind of a rebound, needy type of thing for you. When we break up with someone and we've been in a relationship for a long time, there is a tendency to jump into something again really soon when in reality, we usually need some time to ourselves to heal and get a sense of being who we are on our own for a while. It's not to say that this might not work out, but you have to protect yourself right now because you are vulnerable.

He does sound like a good guy so far, but you might not be ready yet. Does he know about your recent break up? Is he OK with that and your need to move slowly? If he doesn't know, you should tell him and then take it as it goes but move at the pace you are comfortable with.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2005
Tue, 11-29-2005 - 4:48pm

Im with vex on that one. Was that on the OP?

That changes a lot. Its hard to trust your own judgement when your getting over someone. I had been seeing someone and it didnt work out but I wouldn't say I was heartbroken about it.

We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-29-2005 - 4:52pm

No it wasn't in the OP, but many posters (including myself from time to time) have been doing our best to help Jackie with her breakup on the other boards she alluded to in her original post. She's been making great progress (you go, Jackie ;-)) but I hate to see this cause a rebound backslide. They are REALLY painful and hard to recover from.

Sheri




Edited 11/29/2005 4:55 pm ET by northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Tue, 11-29-2005 - 8:33pm

Though I do see the point in others' posts about being careful, especially since you are just getting out of something, I think that so long as you are willing to accept the consequences in this situation, you'll be fine. To me, those consequences possibly