The mystery of ghosting

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
The mystery of ghosting
Tue, 01-25-2011 - 10:08pm

So I am new to doing OLD after my last relationship so it's been more than 10 yrs since I was single.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Tue, 01-25-2011 - 10:53pm

I don't understand it either, it happens to me alot.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Wed, 01-26-2011 - 12:35am
TammyF29832 wrote:

I don't understand it either, it happens to me alot.

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Wed, 01-26-2011 - 7:25am

Well, I have been guilty of ghosting, hate to say it. The short answer is that it's just easier.

In my case, I wasn't feeling much for the guys in the first place, but felt like I should give them a chance (this is usually after a really long dry spell). As the emails continue, I become less and less interested. I do not do this for sport. I used to send "Thanks but no thanks" but after a few nastygrams, I stopped doing that. I've even had nastygrams from men I never even replied to at all. Last year I exchanged some rather lackluster emails with a guy, and because it had been a long time, I agreed to meet him, even though I felt it would go nowhere. We met and it went nowhere. It was as boring as our emails, and I knew it would be (no, this wasn't a self-fulfilling prophesy). The funny thing is, he sent me a weird email afterwards about having some other women he needed to meet (he was rejecting me!). But speaking of rejection: honestly, they really don't know you, and when you are "rejected" it's really more that you're just not a good fit. If you can look at it that way it helps.

No one likes to be the rejector, so they just fade away. If someone ghosts on me, I just assume they aren't interested, and probably weren't interested much from the start. I know there are women who gladly meet almost any guy from OLD, and just as gladly discard them after they meet. For me, it's just way more complicated to actually meet and then reject.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Wed, 01-26-2011 - 2:18pm

I think many times the other person goes off and concentrates on another potential partner and they just stop writing. Like maybe they have gone on a date or two, but they are still dating others. Then they take it to the next level and go exclusive or as I said the one person focuses themselves on one of their possibilities and leaves the others in the lurch. It is obviously much easier than writing and saying thanks but no thanks. I am sure after getting a nastygram, many people will definitely always ghost on others and never write a no thanks letter. They may reappear on the site later because things didn't work out with the one they concentrated on.

Also many people like to have a few irons in the fire, just to be safe. Rather than have just one prospect or conversation going, have a few people you are conversing with. I think it makes you feel better and more excited about the whole thing. IF you have just one and suddenly that one ends, then it seems like you are starting all over again and that can feel disheartening.

Of course we all rank our prospects in our minds. So while you are tending to multiple irons in the fire, you have your favorite iron, 2nd favorite, and so on. If you are say number 3 or 4 in somebodys list and suddenly things ramp up with that persons number 2 or 1, then you get yanked out of the fire. I remember reading a thread on one of these boards about the syndrome of there is always something better out there. How it is so enticing, that you keep looking on the site and always see new faces. So there is always the idea that you can wait and wait and maybe tomorrow or the next day will be the hotter woman coming your way.

The main thing is it happens to all of us and you are right. It likely has nothing to do with you when it happnens so early on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Wed, 01-26-2011 - 5:40pm


Is ghosting when you dont answer someone on OLD and say nothing., if that is what it is I am gulity of that. I used to answer if someone wrote to me and say.. either interested or not interested.. Nowadays I am just deleting if I dont think someone is a match.. is that what you guys are talking about?

A few weeks ago a guy that I knew from OLD wrote to me and then he started a cyber thing with me. Like emails; texts; and phone calls. I told him a few weeks is enough for cyber relationship so I ended it.. He wont commit to meeting no matter what so I wanted to end this thing.No; he is not married but who knows? Maybe he is hiding something. He does live about an hour away.. Anyway; I stopped all communication with him and told him I wont do this anymore with him and he got so upset. I couldnt believe it...

He continues to email .. I know I just wont answer him and he will get the picture..

I just wonder though what the heck do people get out of cyber relationships. I truly believe that

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2008
Thu, 01-27-2011 - 9:06am

I actually think think many of these people want a "pseudo relationship" without having to do any of the real work, the messiness, if you will, of an actual partnership.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2007
Thu, 01-27-2011 - 9:20am

I get this with white men.

@HoneyyDater Come listen to my very random tweets about dating after 40.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 01-27-2011 - 10:23am

It doesn't bother me so much if I have only sent one email and they don't write back because maybe people get a lot of emails and it's kind of awkward to write & say no thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2008
Fri, 02-04-2011 - 8:39pm
I don't get it either and happened to me just this week! The guy actually writes more than a sentence, we seemed to have a lot in common, he's good looking to me, lives kinda far but not too bad (1 hour), and then .... 4 or 5 emails down the road....nothing! And yes he's been back online, so I just went, oh okay, another ghost :)

No reason for it, none that we'll ever know anyway, so plan for it to happen on occasion and it don't let your yourself get hooked on a guy you haven't even met. If I haven't been asked out within 2 weeks, it's usually not going to happen, and then I lose interest, and things kind of fade away. Most guys interested will ask within a two week period of time, in my experience, and this is without long, drawn out emails. Just a few paragraphs back and forth for a few days.