Need advice! Boyfriend still has ad up..

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Need advice! Boyfriend still has ad up..
16
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 2:01pm

Hi

I went on lavalife a couple months ago and met a guy on there. We really hit it off and started dating (we lived really close to each other and met after a couple weeks of talking on the phone). Things moved really fast and we're now living together. He is a great guy- he treats me better than any other guy has before. I deleted my profile on lava as soon as I started dating this guy. But today I got an email from lava offering me free credits to come back and sign up again. I got curious whether my boyfriend may have got this email too so I went onto lava to see if his profile was still up. (he told me months ago that he deleted his). So I searched for his user name and his profile is still there!!! It also said at the bottom that the last day he was online was today!!!!
So what should I do? Do I freak out about this and ask him what the hell is going on? That is he just with me until he finds someone better?? Or do I let it blow over?
Help please!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 2:08pm
before you freak out too too much, I'd be straight with him and ask. If you guys are living together has "committment" been brought up or was it for convenience purposes? I would find out if the two of you are on the same page relationship-wise. Let us know what happens.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 2:32pm
Wow, how long have you been seeing him that you're already living with him?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 2:46pm
I'm with donna in that even though you are living together, commitment might be implied but if it was never really stated, you need to make sure that you are both thinking about your relationship the same way. The lying about it and being active recently though is bad. If I were you, I would be honest and tell him how this happened and ask him CALMLY about it without being accusatory. Even tho it sounds like he deserves to be raked over the coals if you are living together and he is still out there looking, there still could be a logical explanation for what he is doing and you won't get it if you go flying off the handle. Just express your confusion because you "thought that you'd both agreed to take down your profiles a while back but now you see that his is back up and you wondered why." You still might not get a good answer, but freaking out won't get you what you want at all! Good luck - I hope there is a good explanation. Let us know how it goes!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 3:21pm
Thanks for replying everyone. I was just talking to my bf on the phone (I'm at work, he's off at home today) and I really didn't want to bring it up on the phone. He could tell something was bothering me though and asked me what was wrong and I said nothing really, that I would talk to him about it when I got home. He kept asking and then he said I was scaring him and just to tell him what was going on. So I just asked him if he was happy with me. He said that yes he was very happy and why was I asking. I asked him if he was still looking and he said of course not. So then I said "Well, I was just on Lava and your profile was still up." then he says "No its not" I said yeah it is and he denied it again, so I said "I just saw it!" and he said "I turned it off ages ago". I don't even know if you can "turn it off", as when I tried to do that, I had to delete the entire thing. So is he just pulling my leg?? So then I said "well, it said you were just online today on there" and his answer to that was that he was, but he was trying to see if he could get back his money for the credits he bought before. I want to beleive him and my first instincts is to believe him as I totally trust him. But I have trusted guys in the past and been let down and its really hard to trust again. This guy though has been nothing but good to me and as far as I know, he has been honest with me so far. So he tried to assure me that he is not looking for someone else and that he is really happy with me, and then he said he wouldn't have moved all his stuff in with me if he wasn't. So I said I had to go and got off the phone. A little while later he sent me a text message on my cell that said "I am really happy with you and I'm not looking for anyone else. I like you more than you know."
I haven't texted him back or called him, truthfully I don't even know what to say now. It just took me a bit by surprise to see his profile still up and it brought up some hurt inside me which I didn't expect to feel.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 3:25pm
hehehe - yeah right. Getting credits back.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 4:25pm

Sister, I feel your pain.

 
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 4:27pm

I don't know jikaf, this this REEKS of B.S. to me.

First of all you CAN hide your profile OR delete it...I am on Lava (or was until last night) and I have hidden my profiles there twice. Now he COULD be telling the truth about the credits, BUT, why didn't he just come right out and tell you that right away when you said his profile was still up? He could have said something like "Hmm, well that's odd that my profile was still up, I was on there this morning trying to see if they could credit me my unused credits back and I didn't see it."

Now, aside from the "why the HELL would you move in with someone SO SOON after meeting them?" issue, has he ever even mentioned he "LOVES" you? You said he said "I like you more than you know" which sounds ridiculous to me. If you are living with someone romantically, the love is either there or it isn't. If you're not sure, then why have them move in with you, you know?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 8:44pm

What's not sitting right with me is that if he was being 100% honest, then why wouldn't he have said from the first shot that he was there today? And from what I know, you don't need to login to an account in order to see if you can get money back--that's simply in the help section.

Something smells really bad here. I would tread carefully.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 8:59pm

Hi Jk,

I have to agree with what has been said here,and, more I want to ask you to sit for a moment and use one of the Strongest tools we women have; your Intuition. IF you were not having feelings that something was not quite right, then you would never have asked him. What bothers me is that he went for the "disclosure" clause: did not tell you that he HAD been active, when he Had, til he knew you saw him there. You can't plead "stupid".

As far as getting the money back for those credits, are we talking Big Benjamins here? If it was only about 20 dollars, then being on to get that back is Not a viable excuse. Is THAT, or any, amount of money worth the value of YOUR feelings, to him? WHEN did any of these sites Ever refund a penny?

This is up to you. OLD breeds some pretty ugly monsters. NO matter how secure you feel about things, when you see someone online like that, it is like George Foreman tanked you in the gut in Round One!!! I have been going out with New Tall Man for 10 days now and we have had 5 dates in that time and he has been Wonderful...but his 'active 24 hours' bugs me--though yes, I KNOW it is too soon to "care" about that! But, IF they say they have found such a Great girl, then WHAT are you Looking for? Something Great-ER? For me, it just keeps me a step off of really letting my feelings go 100%, so no worries. But for you...there are bigger things at stake.

Think before you act, but don't just let this "go"--see if he is the kind of man you can REALLY communicate with. IF he pulls the "mad because I am guilty" thing on ya...Ding! Next! and pack his bags FOR him! He was "Busted" and should be VERY sorry he was!!!!

Do what YOU feel is best!!

We are with you, don't feel alone! :)

Truly,
Cupcake

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2005
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 10:35pm

"I like you more than you know."

Before I move in with anyone, they better more than "like" me.

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