Need advice! Boyfriend still has ad up..
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| Thu, 03-31-2005 - 2:01pm |
Hi
I went on lavalife a couple months ago and met a guy on there. We really hit it off and started dating (we lived really close to each other and met after a couple weeks of talking on the phone). Things moved really fast and we're now living together. He is a great guy- he treats me better than any other guy has before. I deleted my profile on lava as soon as I started dating this guy. But today I got an email from lava offering me free credits to come back and sign up again. I got curious whether my boyfriend may have got this email too so I went onto lava to see if his profile was still up. (he told me months ago that he deleted his). So I searched for his user name and his profile is still there!!! It also said at the bottom that the last day he was online was today!!!!
So what should I do? Do I freak out about this and ask him what the hell is going on? That is he just with me until he finds someone better?? Or do I let it blow over?
Help please!!!

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"Well, choice is yours but just say your friend is on the system and said she recognized your BF; less confrontational that way."
So what if it's "less confrontational"? Be a big girl and have the conversation. No game playing, straight up. How does one operate in life otherwise?
Edited 3/31/2005 11:46 pm ET ET by kneesinthebreeze
Lets get real, have you ever been involved with a man who welcome confrontation straight on?
If ya wanna get real then quit making up stories so you don't have to admit you snooped. I would choose option D: wait to calm down even if it takes a couple days, post on a message board, get varying responses, and then tell him "you know what? the other day lavalife sent me whatever it was, and I got curious, noticed your ad was still up, so I am kinda thrown off by that." And have an adult conversation about it. I believe the guy actually.
Why make up stories?
kneesinthebreeze... (#1... love the name... what's the story behind it??)...
I agree totally with your honesty policy. I lived with a family of in-laws for whom lies and exageration were policy, and it was a frickin' nightmare. Even small ones get found-out, and all credibility goes out the window!
I see nothing wrong with simply stating, "I looked, and lo and behold, you were there. Talk to me." If he's gonna start doing any side-stepping with "why were you checking-up on me," the truthful answer, "I had a feeling, and it was well-founded," is plenty good enough.
Cute stories, or diversional misleads just destroy the truth that exists.
IMHO.
Barb
I know most women and most women can't wait two days that is the point. Look, she couldn't even wait for him to get home - she's to emtional to be rational and calm and cool and more than likely it will come out wrong and he'll get defensive which he did. His gut reaction was no I'm not on it only later to reveal that he was trying to get his tokens back.
She used your method, she was honest and admitted she snooped so I guess that's beside the point - it's done.
Hi Jikaf,
I am very sorry to hear that you are going through this.. I have been there many, many times.
In my last relationship ( if you even want to call it a relationship ) this exact same thing happened to me over and over.
He did it on AOL, and I found out, and he made some lame excuses, but because I cared for him, I accepted the excuses. it was easier to beleive that crap than it was to admit the truth to myself.
Every few months, the same situation would pop up again: I would check the Internet Explorer History info ( you know, like the drop down menu ) and it would show history of all these dating sites that he had been to, and I would back track and re-visit where he was, and I was even able to view all of the profiles that he had recently looked at, etc.
His excuses sometimes varied, but always followed the same pattern: He would say that he had a friend at work who didnt have a computer and that the friend came over one day and he was only showing him how to post a profile on a dating site.. and I would say "But if it was a profile for your friend, why did you put YOUR physical description and YOUR hobbies and YOUR age on the profile if it was meant to attract women for your friend?" his answer to that would always be something like "Oh, well, we were just messing around.. I didnt think his information would attract any women, so I just put my info in there to see who would respond..." COME ON!! after a while, he quit using the "I did it for my friend" excuse, and he would say things like "Oh, I was just bored amd messing around.. it was nothing.. I was just poking around, I wasnt trying to meet anybody.."
He was never very good at being creative with passwords, so I would visit the sites that he had visited and I would usually be able to guess his user-name and password, and I would be able to see who he had contacted, what his profile said, etc.
My point here is this: if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck..
Womens intuition is usually a good indicator if something is wrong.
Cupcake posted something that made alot of sense: if he gets mad at YOU when he gets caught in a lie, thats a BIG red flag.. the person I was with used to try and feed me a load of BS excuses, and I when I would keep questioning him and busting him out on why his excuses didnt add up and the stories didnt make sense, he would get mad at ME and try to make it seem like I was the one who was doing wrong by asking him about it.. well, you know how a cornered dog will bark and snap...
I agree with what the others are saying.. something doesnt add up here. you need to have a talk with him and find out if the two of you are on the same page about where your relationship is, how exclusive you are, etc. there are lots of guys out there who will live with or even MARRY a woman, but continue to keep their profiles up on dating sites just to "keep their options open" or because "You never know what may come along.."
Not a bad deal for them, huh? they get to live with a woman who cooks, cleans, does the laundry, helps pay the bills, satisfies them sexually, but all the while, they still have their fishing line in the water just in case a bigger, better fish than the one they have comes along..
If I sound bitter, its because I have been there, done that, and it was no fun. there is a chance that your guy may be totally innocent here, but I doubt it. when I read your post it brought back alot of bad memories for me and I just wanted to write to you and tell you not to waste time getting out of this if you find out that this guy is lying to you, or if you have gut feelings every other day that something is wrong, because it probably is. I wasted 7 precious years of my life going through this kind of crap on almost a daily basis.. it was soooo not worth it.
Good Luck...
Jerzygirl
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