Need advice...BADLY

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2004
Need advice...BADLY
5
Sat, 05-28-2005 - 2:02am

HI....

A bit of history here. I have been seperated for over a year, and just recently started seeing a great guy. He knows Im still technically married, but the divorce should be final soon, and that my soon to be ex and I live apart. My ex doesnt want the divorce and is trying everything he can to stop it. Anyway, I have been seeing this guy for awhile and were perfect together and have been taking things nice and slow, and its been fantastic. We both have been hurt before, and our BIG on being upfront and honest.

Well, it turns out my soon to be ex looked him up online through yahoo messenger and told him that were still married and still living together and trying to work it out. NOT TRUE!!!! I got ahold of my guy after I heard what happened and he said "Its okay, all is fine, relax, and we will talk more, and said he would talk to me later that night".It's been days. Why say that and disappear. Said that my husbands call caught him off guard is all. My ex even wrote him and apologized for all he said. That was cool I thought. But when I looked up his profile on yahoo he mentioned that " Single, not looking.... I have been single just over a year, might as well make it 2 years" but he didnt know I saw it, and now today, he completely erased the entire profile, and hasnt called or written, and he has everyday since we met. What am I to make of this???? Why say all is cool if it isnt? What is up with this? Im lost!!!!

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Sat, 05-28-2005 - 11:05am

Good morning, chunkagunk.

I don't see that there's anything you can do about this fellow. He's walked into your marital mess and, like a lot of people, would rather walk away than be a part of it. I can totally understand where he's coming from! At the first hint of any negativity between exes I am out of there.

I would really like to know how your ex found out how to reach this guy. Are you giving him information about your dates?

If you want to find a new partner, you are going to have to find a way to protect him from your ex's games.

Good luck to you.

amjay

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Sat, 05-28-2005 - 11:44am

I agree with amjay chunkagunk. I personally will not become involved with anyone who is separated for that exact reason - the concern that this person really is not completely free for some reason (by choice or not) and still will very likely have some issues to deal with before becoming completely free.

This guy likely told you he was OK with it and really may or may not have been at the time. Once he thought it over, he decided he didn't want to deal with the drama and decided it was too much for him to deal with. It sucks he can't stand up and tell you this, but he may just be non-confrontational and he decided to just drift off instead of do something which he'd rather not do or run the risk of you getting emotional (many men think that women will go all nutso when they try to break up with us) or trying to talk him out of it. This guy unfortunately got caught up in the mess going on in your life and to me, it sounds like he just isn't ready for that.

m sorry! Good luck. Maybe after some time on his own to reflect, he'll change his mind. But leave him alone and let him come to it on his own. He very well might, but pressure from you won't help at all.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
Sat, 05-28-2005 - 1:06pm
i totally agree w/ other posters. too much drama for him that he doesn't need in his life especially your ex finding out and emailing him sounds like unresolved feelings andnot letting go that i would totally stay away from . sorry but a little scary to me
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Sat, 05-28-2005 - 8:10pm

>>Any advice would be greatly appreciated!<<

Quit dating until you're divorced.

"only technically married" is kind of like beind only "technically" pregnant, but you're going to get the abortion any day now. You're still preggers.

Sorry for the blunt analogy, but it's true. It's a copout to say you're only "technically" married when obviously, whether through your choice or not, your husband is all tied up in your life (emotionally, mentally, legally, whatever).

As far as the guy in question? My advice is to write him off completely- just figure he's gone like smoke in a hurricane.

If... and that's a big IF... IF after you're divorced for a while, and things are okay, and the ex-hubby isn't still "looking up" your dates online somehow (wtf is up with that?), and you're completely available and have been DIVORCED for a while... IF, after all that, you bump into this guy again, something cool might work out.

Until then, though, I'd figure he's gone. I don't blame him, I'd be gone too. Actually, I'd have been gone as soon as I found out you were still married. Been there, done that, and it just doesn't work.




Edited 5/28/2005 8:14 pm ET ET by niceguyonline122004
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 1:22am
This is why a good rule of thumb is not to tangle with anyone who is merely separated unless you enjoy putting yourself into the middle of the drama. He apparently didn't. I would have walked too. Who needs it?