Need advice...potential LDR here

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Need advice...potential LDR here
3
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 5:24pm
Hi all...
I haven't been around for awhile, but been reading the posts every now and then. You guys are great...and especially you MEN. You all give great advice and sometimes it's so important for us girls to have a man's honest opinion. So, please...tell me what you think. Oh, you too, ladies! Any advice is more than welcome!
OK..here's the deal. I started emailing a guy who lives about 250 miles from me. I actually ran across his profile by accident. It was one of those deals that match does when you look at someones profile and then they give you a page of three people that says' "if you liked so-and-so's profile...you might like these". Well, he was one of them. I have not been looking that far away, but there he was. I knew as soon as i saw the photos he was definitely my type. And then I saw his headline...which I really loved. It's the title of one of my favorite songs these days. So, I read the whole thing and winked. He emailed back right away and the emailing started back and forth. Turns out he used to live in my city and his brother still does. He mentioned he was actually up here a few times in March...this was early April when the emailing started. Anyway, he seemed to suddenly disappear for a few days, so i sent one of those "last ditch effort" emails...you know what I mean. I do this with guys I think have potential and if they don't respond...well, it's next! But, he did respond, saying that he was sorry he'd been out of touch but he "didn't think it was good idea to start anything because it would probably be too hard to develope and maintain a relationship with the distance thing"...which, makes perfect sense. So, I agreed and said it was too bad we were so far away from one another but maybe the next time he's up visiting, maybe we could grab a drink or something. he replied and said that was a great idea. So, I figure, that's it...and I'd never hear from him again. Oh, we had also spoken on the phone a couple times at this point. Anyway, a few days later, I get an email saying that he's thinking of coming to town that upcoming weekend and am I available. Sure I was! He called a few days later to confirm (by Wed...for those "Rules" girls) and he came up. The minute I saw him...I knew he was in big trouble. Way cute! I knew I already liked his personality from the very easy phone conversations we'd had.
So, we had a fantastic date...the best OLD I've ever had. He was supposed to leave the next day to go back home, but decided to stay and we spent the whole next day together and he ended up staying at my house that night. I know, I know!! And, yes, we did. Bad girl...I know! We've continued talking and he was supposed to come back the next weekend but ended up not being able to (oh, he has 3 children he has joint custody of), but a couple of weeks ago, he asked me about Memorial weekend and if I was avail. I said I was and my son is with his dad for the long weekend. He was going to come up here, but plans changed and a friend of his has invited him to a house at the beach. He called and asked if I'd like to come there instead. He didn't insist at all...and said if I didn't want to he'd be happy to just keep our plans for him to come up here. Truth is...I loved the idea of going down there. The beach is so much better an idea than being here in this city...I'm over it anyway. So, he's been calling every couple of day and stays in touch with emails in between. Sat night we had a long, nearly 3 hr conversation. So, I'm driving down on Fri (it's about a 4.5 hr drive) and staying till Monday. I'm very excited and he says he can't to see me as well. On paper...he's wonderful. I haven't seen or heard any "red flags" yet, but no doubt, this weekend will tell alot. It's a lot of time together. But, he's already made lots of plans for us to do different things and has said the plans on making dinner for me Fri when I get there. I like that.
Ok...here's the question....do I bring up the LDR thing or just see what happens? Since he sent that email (granted...before we met) I feel like it MIGHT be ok to bring this up. I mean...there is a potential situation here and I'd like some clarification about how he feels about it, ya know, now? Is it too soon? This is really when things get sticky. If we both lived in the same city, I wouldn't even consider saying anything about this right now...did I just answer my own question here? I don't know.
What do you guys and gals think?
Thanks so much!
Kelly
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 6:08pm

I think that if you're looking for a fun fling with the guy, you're going about it the absolutely right way.

If you're looking for a serious r'ship, however, not so much. How this would work should have been clarified before you slept with him, IMO. So, I would *definitely* bring it up this weekend!!! You need to know what you're signing on for here!

Sheri




Edited 5/23/2005 6:29 pm ET ET by northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 7:00pm

Hi, Kelly. Your post was too long to read through, but I didn't have to after this line:

"he didn't think it was good idea to start anything because it would probably be too hard to develope and maintain a relationship with the distance thing"

What he has done is given himself an out should anything untoward happen between you, like for instance you wanting any sort of regular relationship with him. Whatever happened between you since that statement has not changed his opinion, no matter what kind of fun he had.

The time to move forward with this man is when he says, "remember when I said (blah blah blah)? Well I've changed my mind."

Until then, my advice to you would be to see someone in your own neighbourhood. You are headed for disappointment if you don't.

amjay

Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 12:23pm

Like Sheri said, depends on what you actually want.