Need Guidance from You

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2010
Need Guidance from You
10
Sat, 02-27-2010 - 11:11pm
Hello everyone. This is my first post and I'm new to this online dating business. I've never done this before so it's completely new territory for me.
Anyways, here is my story of a hopefully good story. I've made contact with this wonderful woman who is about 6 years younger than me. I'm 27. She seems really mature and we are hitting it off in the few chat sessions on yahoo im. I really like her because of her personality and I think it's exactly what I've been looking for. Now, for some reason, she usually just talks to me while she has been at work. She has entered some sort of modeling contest and is working there late everyday.
Well, the weekend is almost over and I was wondering what should I do? Should I continue talking to her everyday? Or should I just send some emails during the weekdays?
She currently lives in Hawaii and I am in San Diego. I'm hoping to get this off to a right start and am looking to making this long distance relationship work. But the problem is, I don't wanna look desperate nor do I wanna rush things. I think I've learned that much from my past experiences.
She has been in only 2 serious relationships and does not date a lot. She is not into fooling around and neither am I. I guess you could say she is pretty pure? I don't know, this is just the vibe I'm getting.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, what should I do now? This is sort of a critical period where everything sort of works or fails. If I am to write to her, what the heck am I supposed to write? When should I ask for her phone so we can talk on the phone?
Please help. If there is not enough information, please please tell me so I can get that info or put it out there.
Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Sun, 02-28-2010 - 6:17am

Hi clueless,

Your situation has several classic OLD pitfalls. First, you're building up a fantasy about someone you've never met, and second, it's long-distance. I don't mean to rain on your parade, but if you read these boards long enough you'll see what I mean.

It's unclear to me: did you connect with her through a dating site, or was it a chat room? If it were not through a dating site, she may just be passing the time chit-chatting with you with no intention of trying to form a relationship. But it's the long-distance part that is the most problematic for you. The common advice is to meet someone as soon as possible to see if there is truly a connection. Since you are long distance, this can't happen easily. There have been many, many stories posted here of people who have carried on an email/phone "relationship" for months and months, only to meet and have no spark together. I'm not saying these things can't work out, but the odds are very much against you.

So in terms of your immediate questions, I see nothing wrong with continuing to email this woman, but I wouldn't put all your eggs into that basket. Keep it friendly, just try to learn more about her, but be careful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2010
Sun, 02-28-2010 - 8:44am

Alrighty, well first of all, I did meet her through a dating site. Like I had said, I was not here to play games so a chatroom was a no no.

Yes, I realize it's long distance and it's kind of a fantasy. But this is why this is so interesting to me. I know chemistry is kind of important, but then again, I've had a bunch of dates/relationships with real people only to fall apart quickly after I find out that besides the sex, I really did not know person and when I did, i actually disliked them i.e "pot head, angry man beater, stripper...etc"

Thank you for letting me know the odds are stacked against me. But at least I've learned to be patient. So it's definitely something I want to pursue. I think that this way I get to truly understand who I want to be with than just the usual wow she is sexy and lets do it type of mentality...I'm getting too old for that. Just want to settle down if ya know what I mean @@.

But here is the question that I'm wondering, how should I proceed in terms of emailing/talking on phone? I've just only im'd her for a few days and it's been going great. But i'm kind of at a crossroads here and that's what I'm kinda looking for in terms of guidance. What the heck should I do? When would it be ok to ask for her phone? What kind of emails would be good to kind of keep things interesting or rather what is actually appropiate....This is where I am totally clueless =(

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Sun, 02-28-2010 - 9:44am

I don't think there's any real magic answer as to how to proceed. So much depends on her interest level.

Most women don't like it if a guy comes on really strong at first, especially if they are feeling pretty lukewarm about him. They also don't usually like early declarations of "love" --it's just not appropriate for the stage of the relationship. OK, so assuming you aren't doing either of these things, I would suggest having a few more email exchanges. Just keep it light and friendly, don't try to move the conversation into "I think we're perfect for each other, etc." (not that you would, just sayin'). I would approach it more from a "I find you interesting," although I wouldn't necessarily use those words. Make it fun.

If you are sensing some interest on her part, then I think it would be OK to suggest moving to the phone. And at that point, I don't see why you couldn't just talk to her the way you would to any woman you would call on the phone. Again, though, not to be the rainmaker here, you could hit if off famously on the phone, and then have NO sparks when you meet. It happens all the time, even when you date someone local.

There's also a long-distance relationship board on iVillage, although this is not a relationship at this point. Plus you might want to go to Askmen.com. The men on that board are brutally honest with each other, and sometimes vicious if you ask me, but at least you would get the male viewpoint.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2010
Sun, 02-28-2010 - 10:30am

Thanks for the advice so far. But I must ask, what is coming on too strongly?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 02-28-2010 - 1:30pm
I think "coming on too strong" is when people who have never met in real life have this illusion of having found "the one." Then they start saying things like "you are the one for me," "I think we have a future together," "I'm in love w/ you," that kind of thing. I think you should (whether IMing or chatting) stick to trying to get to know as much about her as you can--like if you were on a date IRL, you ask the other person questions about her interests, her family, what kind of job she wants in the future. If that sounds promising, then you go on (after a while, I would think) does she think she might want to meet you IRL. I also think you need to find out if she lives w/ her parents or on her own. I have a 21 yr old DD and frankly I would have a fit if a guy she only met thru the internet wanted to come out & meet her. Yes I personally have met guys thru internet dating but I'm older and can look out for myself more. Plus that's the reason I only will meet guys who live nearby--we can have regular dates, I can go in my own car and we can meet at a restaurant, then go back to our own homes if it doesn't work out. For you to meet her it's like a 6 hr plane ride & a very expensive trip. But I don't know if you've ever been to HI--I have & it's very beautiful, so at least you'd have a good vacation if it doesn't work out. My other warning here is that I think there's a huge diff. in maturity between 21 & 27 from what I see w/ my Dd & her friends. My DD does have one friend her age who is engages and going to marry in 2 yrs after she finishes college, but most people that age are really just learning to be on their own and trying out adult relationships, but I think you're right that by your age, you are old enough to think about getting more serious and getting married.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2010
Sun, 02-28-2010 - 9:47pm

First of all, thank you very much. I mean it from the bottom of my heart. All this useful advice is really giving me confidence to move this in the right direction.

Thank you for explaining the coming on too strongly part. I think I felt like that at first because it was so awesome to hit it off with someone so quickly. But after a healthy dose of reality from you fine people and some serious thinking, I had better slow down in terms of this infatuation. Now I am seeing this more clearly with a bit more objectivity.

Ok, she does live by herself. She is a pretty independent girl.

But roughly when would it be ok to actually meet each other? I mean I understand the interest of each other because we're obviously talking. But in terms of meeting if it gets that far, does that mean she is going to bring it up? Or should I?

I have been to Hawaii. I loved it. Beautiful weather and beautiful beaches to just hang around. I'm fortunate to have a good job so the cost is a moot point!

Yes, I do realize the maturity level in general is going to be a wee bit different. However, so far, she seems to only want to talk to me. Not to mention, she is really mature for her age I suppose in terms of her wants and what she has discovered that does not work in relationships. I also realize that she is no ordinary 21 year old because not everyone matures the same. You could say the jackasses that have broke her heart have taught her some great lessons about younger guys (not interested in young immature bucks again)

I am ready to settle down, but I definitely am in no rush to push anyone into marriage. I'm going to go through every nook and cranny before I would even consider marriage due to the fact that I have so many friends who have divorced and not just once. Just don't feel following in their footsteps if ya know what I mean.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 03-01-2010 - 11:22am
I think that meeting sooner rather than later would be a great idea. Of course first you want to progress to talking on the phone--you can get much more of an idea of someone's personality when talking rather than IM. If you can get a webcam, that would be great too. But it's not til you meet in person that you have a realistic idea of what the other person is like. I think if you let her know that you plan to stay in a hotel, she won't feel as pressured by your visit, then if things progress, you could always cancel the hotel. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2010
Mon, 03-01-2010 - 4:22pm
Ok, so far so good. Keeping her interest and everything. But I was wondering, when is it a good time to bring up lets talk on the phone? What are the signs or indications that I should look out to make the move? Same thing with moving to a webchat deal? I already have a webcam and everything, but I do not want to make a wrong move to look needy (I'm not) or look like some creep. I guess you could say I'm just trying to be more thoughtful about this process and being careful does not hurt I think. Thanks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2010
Mon, 03-01-2010 - 7:48pm

Well I just learned that her parents met online and got married. So she is pretty comfortable trying this method since her two live beaus in Hawaii have been disasters.

Also, I'm going to try to progress to the phone and move on from there. But what sign or signs should I get or see before I can make the move? Same thing for moving on to webcam chat?

Btw, I know we should meet sooner, but how will I know she is ready to meet? Is she supposed to be the one that lets me know hey lets meet?

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 03-02-2010 - 11:58am

I agree with the other poster.