Need help analyzing bf's behavior
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| Wed, 12-14-2005 - 3:54pm |
Boyfriend different after meeting in person.
We developed a relationship over a nine month period over the phone, emails, messenger.
He pursued me and got me over my ex boyrfriend, I started falling for him this September.
We had each other's photos (and they match the real life versions in fact the latter is better.
I disagree with most people that you can't have at least strong feelings for someone based on months and months of phone conversations, hours long, and emails, etc. In fact, it's less shallow because you're being less influenced by the physical (although we had photos of each other and loved what we saw).
I am shy and was nervous and quieter in the meeting but he knew beforehand that I was shy. He was quieter as well but after the middle of the date was great. It was the hello and goodbye that were a little awkward.
After meeting, his messages on the messenger (he'd message me daily before) were still adoring, however the time frame was less frequent, but he claimed he was so busy with work (he is the boss and mangages a 3 tier of employees at a financial office for the government and had issues with his new car.
I made negative comments on the internet to him and pretty much said goodbye and it made him mad, now he's making the effort to be more available, he's the boss where he works and he's been busy, he said he's tired of my being influenced by other people's negative input on the relationship, that he never stopped loving me, I just doubted him and he doesn't like it when I do that.
The difference now is words of affection are less over the top, for example he'll now say "I love you less" less often and before he'd say it after every phone conversation and with more exaggeration like "I love you SO MUCH" OR "I love you VERY MUCH". The other night, we were saying good night over the phone and he was just saying talk with you later, and making kissing noises for me, then he paused, and I said good night and hung up, upset he wasn't saying I miss you, I love you like he usually does. He is usually the one to make the first move, calling wise and saying words of affection. Lately, he seems to be trying to get me to call him.
He also is subtly less emotionally open about his feelings. He is the one who pursued me and got me over my ex boyfriend. And I let him take pretty much all the initiative in calling me, and saying I love you, etc. I don't know if he's just tired of making the first move. Lately I notice he's wanting me to call him.
I brought up the topic to him last night and he said he felt closer to me after the meeting, and when I said I felt a distance, he said "no, no"
He mentioned to me before meeting that he is an extrovert at work and an introvert in his personal life, and I did notice upon meeting him that he is more quieter. But when I asked him last night over the phone if he was shy at all, he said no just introverted.
I can't tell if he is just shyer after meeting, or likes me less. But he is definitely into me sexually. I asked him if he felt more aroused than romantic towards me, and he said "both, I can't feel aroused unless I feel romantic towrads you".
He told me he loves me, during the meeting. He didn't look in my eyes, but then again, he's said before that he has trouble expressing himself emotionally. In fact he never said I love you back with an former gf. He's said things like I'm beautiful and after the meeting he said I was very goodlooking, a "desireable creature".
Would appreciate your insights.
I hope I have not left out any important details. One thing I should add is that right before we became really close before meeting, we'd started phone sex, initiated unintentionally by me because I was teasing him, and we while we did not have intercourse when he picked me up for the date and brought me over to his place (which I really didn't want to do but he is so persistent) there was oral sex. The day we met was the day he had to call an absence at work because he says he couldn't sleep the night because of an argument we'd had. Which made me feel like I had to make up for it.

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IMO, you are now finding out why everyone says that you cannot fall in love with someone solely online and on the phone. When you are not spending time in person, you cannot see these subtle things that show the person's true character. You both have that comfort level of having the computer/phone and thus distance between you. You can be whoever you want to be on the phone or online and it may or may not be your true self. You may say it's less shallow b/c you don't have the physical influencing it, but the fact is that while it may be less shallow, it is far more superficial no matter what you say because you have that comfort zone. I fully stand by my belief that you cannot fall in love with someone until you have met in person and spent considerable time WITH them in person not on the phone or chatting on IM.
My concerns are that 1) he is glossing over your feelings/concerns and trying to convince you that they don't exist. They are your feelings - of course they exist! He should be treating them with care and concern and trying to help you figure out WHY you feel that way instead of just trying to convince you that you really don't/ 2) That he seems to be manipulating the situation a bit by distancing himself. It may be that he is trying to get you to contact him more (but if that's the case, he should ASK you to call more instead of doing this) or he could be busy. But it just sounds kinda fishy to me. 3) That you have already said you love each other. But you read my view on that one, you disagree so that discussion would go nowhere. 4) That you had oral sex because you "felt like you had to make up" for something. That is hooey!! Don't use sex as an apology or weapon in any way. You don't OWE him sex for anything! If you want to do something for its own sake, fine but NEVER use sex in that way. It puts you in a very vulnerable situation.
You're in this too far to step back at this point, but I do think you should consider what I said about the not really being in love with someone. You've fallen for his persona that he gave off to you, not the real person. It sounds like the real person is quite different than the persona he gave off. Good luck.
So...the persona you fell in love with is the same as the one that insisted you come to his house and have oral sex with him??? I'm a little confused about that...
Sheri
It wasn't planned . . . thank you for your input.
Edited 12/14/2005 6:47 pm ET by cynnovel
Ok, so it wasn't planned (not sure why that's relevant, but ok)...but the fact remains, it happened. You now know that is part of his character. Was that something you were aware of before you met...that he would insist on doing something that you weren't comfortable with?
Sheri
I realize now that he is persistent about getting what he wants that is inconsiderate and I've brought it to his attention, along with a whole bunch of venting and negative comments, and his response was he hopes I change my attitude because it's not very appealing and we've since reconciled, hopefully he will be more considerate. This behavior could be out of habit because he's the boss at his workplace, and also because it's worked for him, for example if he hadn't persisted in pursuing me (I was initially still in love with my ex bf and he helped me get over him) we wouldn't be together. I'm willing to work this out with him because I love him.
The input is appreciated, have a wonderful week.
I hate to say it, but it sounds like what I've dubbed "the law of diminishing returns" has set-in. I think this guy has set you up to feel beholden to him. He somehow made you feel obligated to have oral sex with him to make-up for an argument or whatever you had where he didn't sleep at night. What about your feelings about the argument? Did he at all consider them? I hate to be blunt but it sounds like he kept up a long distance relationship so you would grow attached to him before you met. He probably knows people aren't real drawn to him, but if he can get you feeling committed and obligated before you see his real side, he has a better chance of keeping you.
I know this post hasn't been real sympathetic, and I could be wrong, but it's how I see it. The guy isn't sympathetic about your feelings, only his own by the sound of things. Please don't feel bad. I've been there, done that. A lot of people here recommend the book "He's Just Not That Into You". I finally got it from the library and read it. It is so liberating! I spent SO MANY hours wondering if I'd somehow hurt someone,mislead them, failed to return their deeply felt feelings, etc. The main point of the book is that guys aren't mysterious, they just want you to think they are. They'll make it very clear when they're interested. However, if they're not really, they'd rather be trampled by a herd of pink spotted elephants than tell a woman so. Really only their actions will tell you if they're sincere or not.
It helped my ego to realize that a lot of the women they were referring to in the book that were getting less than good treatment from guys were beautiful, smart and successful. Some people just lack the capacity to be into anything other than themselves. Sadly, it sounds to me that this guy fits into that category. The only choice we can really make about these things is how much time on we going to waste on those who are unworthy of us. One thing to remember, by closing the chapter on the bad guys, it makes it possible to begin a new one with someone you really can have a happy ending with. He'll certainly be glad you didn't stay with Mr. Unworthy of You! Good luck!
Thank you for the elaborate response. Ironically, though, my guy once said to me "you waste your efforts on someone not worthy" about my ex bf, when he was trying to replace him. He also said he wasn't like other guys and wouldn't lose interest if I was adoring and attentive towards him. And that if he knew I was censoring myself (to keep his attention) it would push him away. He is trying to get me to call him more often, whereas before he would make all the first moves and he is awfully busy, one of my brothers thinks he is just more comfortable now and taking me for grated knowing that he has my interest. And he gets irritated when he calls and I don't answer my cell phone, meanwhile he doesn't have a cell phone and isn't immediately available. There's signs of interest mixed in there, for example he was really positive when I called him (I was curious to know what his dream about me was about, he says he thinks of me a lot and has dreams about me), but there is a change, less intensity, so it's confusing. Some think the decreased intensity is normal but I don't see why, it's not like we're married we just met but he knows he can have me physically maybe that's what's causing him to take me for granted, I just don't know. I think I'll pull back for now.
Edited 12/15/2005 1:20 am ET by cynnovel
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