Need help analyzing bf's behavior

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2004
Need help analyzing bf's behavior
21
Wed, 12-14-2005 - 3:54pm


Boyfriend different after meeting in person.

We developed a relationship over a nine month period over the phone, emails, messenger.
He pursued me and got me over my ex boyrfriend, I started falling for him this September.
We had each other's photos (and they match the real life versions in fact the latter is better.

I disagree with most people that you can't have at least strong feelings for someone based on months and months of phone conversations, hours long, and emails, etc. In fact, it's less shallow because you're being less influenced by the physical (although we had photos of each other and loved what we saw).

I am shy and was nervous and quieter in the meeting but he knew beforehand that I was shy. He was quieter as well but after the middle of the date was great. It was the hello and goodbye that were a little awkward.

After meeting, his messages on the messenger (he'd message me daily before) were still adoring, however the time frame was less frequent, but he claimed he was so busy with work (he is the boss and mangages a 3 tier of employees at a financial office for the government and had issues with his new car.

I made negative comments on the internet to him and pretty much said goodbye and it made him mad, now he's making the effort to be more available, he's the boss where he works and he's been busy, he said he's tired of my being influenced by other people's negative input on the relationship, that he never stopped loving me, I just doubted him and he doesn't like it when I do that.

The difference now is words of affection are less over the top, for example he'll now say "I love you less" less often and before he'd say it after every phone conversation and with more exaggeration like "I love you SO MUCH" OR "I love you VERY MUCH". The other night, we were saying good night over the phone and he was just saying talk with you later, and making kissing noises for me, then he paused, and I said good night and hung up, upset he wasn't saying I miss you, I love you like he usually does. He is usually the one to make the first move, calling wise and saying words of affection. Lately, he seems to be trying to get me to call him.

He also is subtly less emotionally open about his feelings. He is the one who pursued me and got me over my ex boyfriend. And I let him take pretty much all the initiative in calling me, and saying I love you, etc. I don't know if he's just tired of making the first move. Lately I notice he's wanting me to call him.

I brought up the topic to him last night and he said he felt closer to me after the meeting, and when I said I felt a distance, he said "no, no"

He mentioned to me before meeting that he is an extrovert at work and an introvert in his personal life, and I did notice upon meeting him that he is more quieter. But when I asked him last night over the phone if he was shy at all, he said no just introverted.

I can't tell if he is just shyer after meeting, or likes me less. But he is definitely into me sexually. I asked him if he felt more aroused than romantic towards me, and he said "both, I can't feel aroused unless I feel romantic towrads you".

He told me he loves me, during the meeting. He didn't look in my eyes, but then again, he's said before that he has trouble expressing himself emotionally. In fact he never said I love you back with an former gf. He's said things like I'm beautiful and after the meeting he said I was very goodlooking, a "desireable creature".

Would appreciate your insights.

I hope I have not left out any important details. One thing I should add is that right before we became really close before meeting, we'd started phone sex, initiated unintentionally by me because I was teasing him, and we while we did not have intercourse when he picked me up for the date and brought me over to his place (which I really didn't want to do but he is so persistent) there was oral sex. The day we met was the day he had to call an absence at work because he says he couldn't sleep the night because of an argument we'd had. Which made me feel like I had to make up for it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2005
Thu, 12-15-2005 - 5:25am
Nine months of unreal life communication means you fell in love with someone you *hope* he really is, not actually him. I've done it myself and when it didn't translate into real life it was devastating. This is what's happening here. Actions speak louder than words. Always.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Thu, 12-15-2005 - 7:34am

cynnovel,

“He also said he wasn't like other guys and wouldn't lose interest if I was adoring and attentive towards him. And that if he knew I was censoring myself (to keep his attention) it would push him away”

This is very worrying. Almost all abusers use this tactic. ie/ It’s YOUR fault I am mistreating you!

I can't help seeing all the warning signs of an emotional blackmailer. This can and usually does escalate to emotional and possibly physical abuse.

----------------------------------------
What is Emotional Blackmail?

Emotional blackmail is an attempt to influence, manipulate or control you. Common ways are:

-Domination - controlling your environment
-Intimidation - manipulating your guilt, fear, compassion and values
-Unreasonable demands - requirements that you cannot meet
-Unpredictable mood changes - emotional outbursts and mood swings
-Verbal abuse - using words (or laughter) to attack, hurt or injure you

----------------------------------------

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
Thu, 12-15-2005 - 8:11am
Hi Cynnovel,
I want to be pro active here, but I am really quite concerned. I think what you may want to analyze is why you don't feel that you deserve to meet your 'boyfriend' before you would even call him that. Also, why you shouldn't be treated better, every day, all the time. This guy isn't being good to you. You have not told us anything that would indicate that. He will take until you make him stop. I hope that you can find the strength to take this where you need to. You deserve much better, but you won't have it unless you set the standard. Good luck to you.
E
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2003
Thu, 12-15-2005 - 9:16am

"he hopes I change my attitude because it's not very appealing"

This is what stood out to me. Your ATTITUDE? In other words, he doesn't like it when you don't completely agree with everything he says and does. You're supposed to be appealing at all times? What century is this anyway?

Cyn, I worry about you and this guy. I agree with all the other posters that he's manipulating you and a potential abuser. Please be careful.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-15-2005 - 10:11am

Uh, nothing. The point isn't that they had oral sex but HOW that came about...he showed a side of his personality that was IMO extremely unattractive (what gentleman insists that you go to his house on a first meeting, and makes you feel guilty for not having sex with him???). I was just wondering, since the OP seems to be saying that she knew everything about him before meeting, whether that side of his personality had emerged before meeting. If it had, it makes no sense to me that she would be in love with him.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Thu, 12-15-2005 - 10:20am

Excellently put hal. As the posts went on, I was thinking more and more that this guy is a manipulative jerk. He gets all pissy when things don't go exactly the way he wants them to go, tells her that his actions and reactions are basically HER fault, turned an argument into an excuse for sex while seemingly disregardign her feelings, gets irritated when he can't get a hold of her but is in his own ways unavailable...

cyn, I think you are making the right move backing off but be very careful here. He sounds emotionally manipulative and I hope it doesn't turn ugly. Good luck.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Thu, 12-15-2005 - 11:32am

cyn,

I'm glad you're going to back-off from this guy for a bit. I know it can be hard. I know I said some kind of hard things and didn't want to offend you. I want to say that every abuser I've known could accurately assess the other guy's bad behavior. It was his own that he turned a blind eye to.

I have a long history with abusers. I can tell you that I stayed for many reasons. No. 1 was that I didn't know there was anything better out there. No. 2, I felt he would change, or at least benefit from knowing me. What I learned over years and therapy was that I was being used as a scapegoat, of sorts, for him to dump all his feelings of inadequacy, self-loathing and whatever else on. I finally realized that a lot of the reason I put-up with it was because I had latent anger inside me that I got to vent vicariously through him. I had chosen early on to be angry with myself, rather than my abusers, so when I was abused, it made some kind of sense because I *deserved* it, if that makes any sense. To have a healthy relationship, we must get back in touch with our own feelings. It's a process. I realized recently that I was distracting myself from my pain via bad relationships, i.e., I could anesthesize my deep pain by allowing more immediate pain to take my attention for the time being. What I finally did was just allow the deep pain to surface, because I'd run out of distractions as I wasn't willing to take as much garbage off of guys. The pain was quick and sharp but it was over! I can't tell you how much better I feel. Of course, we all must take things on our own time.

You seem like a nice person and I hope you get what you deserve. Best.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2005
Thu, 12-15-2005 - 12:24pm

I haven't read all of the posts here- but I've read a few. I tend to agree with Vex...I am hesitant as well to believe that people fall in love on-line, I definately see how it is possible,and by no means am I belittling your affection for him. But people can hide behind the computer and the phone, so working through his issues is definately going to take some time and patience, as well as reevaluating your relationship.

Is there a reason that the communication went on for 9 months with out meeting? Do you live close by, so that now you can purse a real-life relationship and try and avoid so much of the internet and phone? I think human interaction is much better indicator as to who a person is than anything else. Regardless of who said what first and all of that stuff, I really think if you are emotionally healthy you need to step back and focus on finding out who he really is and if that is who you want to be with. Rebounds are always a bit tricky... Is he a rebound or is he a true relationship?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2004
Fri, 12-16-2005 - 12:18am

First of all, Thank You for the expressions of concern and support from: cl-bklynchik, golightly2004, hal_9000, efdc1, sposabella, vexer_hw, kae_n_me, and others
:-)
________

About the nine month period before meeting, my boyfriend stated on his profile something about finding the mental and verbal stimulation before meeting really intriging. Also, he knew I was shy and wanted me to feel comfortable and familar with him+ before meeting.

DATING DOYENNE on this Ivillage Love and Sex Forum had this feedback for a reader having met a man after a nine month period:

http://love.ivillage.com/snd/sndonline/0,,doyenne_hfd,00.html

"First the good news: A nine-month virtual relationship is probably the equivalent of at least three years in the real world. So you've clearly got cybercommitment going for you. More pluses: You've exchanged photos and spoken on the phone, so you're familiar with each other's appearances and voices.

Now onto the cautionary part of the program: You're still strangers. Despite your hours and hours of conversations and emails, you've never shared a meal, a smile, a touch -- which means that on the intimacy scale, the two of you remain friendly strangers. . . . "

And the part about still being strangers, I agree with.

Sometimes there is no logic to love, a person's relationship doesn't have to make sense to someone outside of as long as it is not clearly abusive.

______________

I mentioned in my posts that I'm fully aware that persistence at the expense of another's feelings and wishes is inconsiderate and rude, and I said I'd work it out with my boyfriend and also pull back for now.

When I read profiles on his astro sign, etc. it perfectly describes him as demanding, aggressive, dominant, so they are personality traits that he can't help and it's tempered with a caringness (while in someone else it can come across as harsh and overbearing), just as I can't help being shy. I would object to a clearly abusive person (and he's said he has never and never would harm a woman because it would be an unfair physical match, but he was fought bullies in grade school and wouldn't back down from a fight with a man) but I view personality traits with some degree of acceptance and understanding.

___________

Obviously there are positives that endeared this man to me, things like he is supportive and caring, attentive (was more so before and that is my issue, but he is very busy), says words of affection often and has endearing nicknames for me,

For now I will pull back and just focus on other things in my life that need attention, like my dream career, and let time give me some feedback as well.

Thanks again for the show of support.




Edited 12/16/2005 12:28 am ET by cynnovel
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Fri, 12-16-2005 - 4:54am

I'm glad to see that you are in control of the situation and can focus your mind on other matters.

I want to express my complete disagreement with this comment from DATING DOYENNE:- "First the good news: A nine-month virtual relationship is probably the equivalent of at least three years in the real world."

I think it completely contradicts what she follows it with:- "You're still strangers. Despite your hours and hours of conversations and emails, you've never shared a meal, a smile, a touch -- which means that on the intimacy scale, the two of you remain friendly strangers. . . . "

There is no comparison between the two. Whatever time you spend in the virtual domain remains just that, virtual.