need help...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2006
need help...
21
Tue, 07-04-2006 - 4:16pm

ever since I quit talking to that one girl.... I haven't been able to find anyone else. None of the girls Ive messaged have even written me back (on myspace). I dunno if there i s something wrong with my profile, my pictures, or my messages, or I dont have enough friends on there and I look like a loser to them or what I dont know it's really depressing. I have a really hard time finding anyone that it looks like I have something in common with and so I am really let down when I find somebody and they dont even want to write me back. i need some kind ofhelp or maybe suggestions of other sites that I could try besides just myspace.

Avatar for travkitty
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2003
In reply to: gl_1911
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 6:38am

I also mean this in the most supportive way...

Have you considered speaking with a professional counselor or psychologist. You sound like me about 10 years ago. I felt I couldn't be happy without a relationship, but I was clinically depressed. I sought counseling, was prescribed antidepressants...now I'm the biggest optimist/ray of sunshine there is, PLUS I went from painfully shy to relatively outgoing. Of course, gaining some age, experience & maturity helped with that, but the counseling was the start of something great in my life.

I'm not in a relationship, & haven't for 2 years, but I couldn't be more satisfied with my life. Sure, I'd love to find a partner, but I am just as content without one, thus I'm able to wait for the RIGHT relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2006
In reply to: gl_1911
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 9:45am
I've struggled with depression my whole life so I know what you're going through. I was 21 when I had a major depressive episode and 40 when I finally got help for it - some counseling but the antidepressants helped tremendously. When I was younger there was a stigma attached to depression, my parents didn't know what to do so I just lived with it. I thought my life was always going to be miserable. Right now you're seeing everything through the filter of depression and trust me, you don't see things as they really are when you're depressed. I felt worthless and utterly hopeless and I had no self esteem whatsoever and now it's hard to believe I ever felt that way. Please see a doctor or a counselor, don't waste as many years as I did - life is too short. I know you're a guy and you're in the military, but it's not a sign of weakness to get help so don't let that stop you either. You are not a creep! You sound like a good person and you deserve happiness. Please let us know how you're doing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
In reply to: gl_1911
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 11:13am
I 2nd this. If you had diabetes, you would take insulin. Or pills for highblood pressure. Depression is just yet another illness that needs TREATMENT!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
In reply to: gl_1911
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 12:25pm
I've struggled with depression for years. I won't take medication, too scared. However, it's a viable option for many people. The thing is, a relationship seems like the answer, but usually it's just a diversion. Once a person has a relationship, it's something else that would make one happy. Although, I have to admit that relationships, even bad ones, can give more incentive to try harder. That said, bad relationships are still just that, bad. In the end, a person just loses what they've gained, and then some. Have you been in active duty? Is it possible you have P.T.S.D.? If so, it responds very well to treatment without medication. For me, it was about getting past my pain "thresholds". The longer we hold something inside, the more poisonous it becomes to us. I recommend the movie "Speak"; it's very good, shows how and why these feelings happen to people. Even so, they don't have to define who we are. I'm learning that now. I'd be happy to talk with you further. Best!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2006
In reply to: gl_1911
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 1:13pm
I don't have time for counselling I work a minimum of 12 hours a day.... I don't know where to get it in or outside the military, and I would not want to get it in the military anyway. The army's idea of healthcare is "take some motrin and suck it the f*** up". Yes I have deployed I spent all of 2005 in iraq, but I do not have PTSD, I never saw what I would call real combat anyway. You all sound like that girl I used to talk to, but no one listens to me. My depression is caused by loneliness no drug or counselling is going to give me what I need.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
In reply to: gl_1911
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 3:19pm

I hear what you're saying. You're the only one who really knows how you feel inside or what will ultimately make you feel better. I think a lot of girls are afraid to reach-out to men who seem to have a lot of emotional needs because abusers tend to be needy. Some of them hide it in masque bravado and others play upon one's sympathies. I think of it as the "leaky vessel sydrome", no matter how much you do for them or how nice you are, they don't seem to benefit and eventually become critical and controlling. I really do believe it's true that we can only treat others as well as we do ourselves inside. However, if noone's ever offered you the love, kindness and support you needed, if could very well be that a relationship would be satisfying to you. I must put a disclaimer in here though and say that most of the men I've known who claimed noone cared, etc., had been spoiled and wanted instant gratification. Even so, you could be the other. If that's the case, though, it still could be difficult for you to accept the love proffered by others.

I couldn't pull-up your profile on myspace but I'm guessing somebody, sometime has offered you their friendship that you refused for one reason or another. Have you read the book "Getting the Love You Want" by Harville Hendrix? It shows how we seek-out the same kind of people over and over again with the same dissatisfying results. This won't change until we change. It's as if good things are given to us but we have no power to "eat". I think this is why they say we have to be a whole person before we can be with someone else. I've tried to save others in the past, but like a drowning person, they just pull everyone else down with them until they're ready to help themselves. Even if you feel sad, if you can show these girls that you can appreciate good things when you find them, it will go a long ways towards finding someone. Sometimes it's as simple as a change in attitude.

I will tell you from my own experience that most of the time I think I want a relationship, etc. However, most of the time my attitude and expression must be completely closed because when I start thinking positively about romance, suddenly, all these guys are making eye contact and trying to talk with me. Before, I felt as if I might as well have been invisible. Our attitudes make a tremendous difference. Even if you could just think of someone you've really liked in the past and felt positively about, that would probably communicate itself to others you meet. People don't like negativity, even though sometimes it's justifiable, because it's like a black hole that sucks in all the light. No one wants to be sucked into that, even though if maybe they got a chance to know you better, they'd like you. I suspect it's not you, it's what you're communicating. I've had to pick myself up, completely revamp my attitudes and start-over many times. You have to understand that if people knew your experiences, many would understand and be sympathetic, but the point is, they don't know. All people see is what you present. We can't fault them on that. This is why counseling is good for those "taboo" subjects. I see a counselor myself. However, I understand time is a consideration and I do know about the military for the most part. You probably weren't de-briefed since you weren't in active combat. However, just being exposed to a stressful atmosphere, etc., can be traumatizing. Personally, I think being in the military is probably traumatic. I still doubt that a relationship would solve all your problems but it might go a long ways towards making you want to solve them. Good luck!

Avatar for travkitty
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2003
In reply to: gl_1911
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 3:22pm

Well, when I was taking my antidepressant, I felt happy & fulfilled even though I was alone. When I went off the meds, I felt lonely. If you work 12 hour days, it sounds as though you wouldn't have much time to devote to a relationship anyway. Do you have any hobbies to keep you busy in your spare time?

Seriously, no one can make you happy except yourself. I used to be in denial about my depression, that only finding love would make me happy. Well, I found love, but I was still unhappy because I never took action to fix myself. And, because I was depressed, I ended up running off the man I loved. You have to BE a catch to find a catch.

If you want to attract a girl, become someone a girl would be attracted to. It's simple, but you have to take action & TRY EVERYTHING. Don't discount counseling without giving it a try. If you attend a church at all, most pastors also provide counseling (usually pretty cheaply too) or can recommend someone.

You sound so much like me 10 years ago. Of course, it took me losing the man I loved to finally convince me that I needed help to be truly happy with myself. But, Id did finally get that help on my own & I could kick myself at the years I wasted saying "I don't need counseling" or "it won't work" or "I can't afford it".

It's a fact of life. You can't be happy with anyone else unless you're happy with yourself. You can't dispute that. It's a fact.

And I agree with the previous post...if you REALLY feel that a relationship would solve your issues, then you have to at least open up & try to emit positivity. People can sense negativity from a mile away. However, the only people negative energy will attract is other negative people, & that's probably the last thing you need.

Try to pick up some books in lieu of counseling. At least take a positive, proactive step toward your goal. That feeling of action might be anough to get your attitude in the right direction. My cousin, who is a Psychologist at Duke, did a study on "mystery moods". That's when you wake up "on the wrong side of the bed" & have a bad mood for no reason. Her study suggested that those foul moods are actually caused by our subconscious worrying about unattained goals. So, sometimes just taking some steps to help yourself might give you that extra positive blip you need to make a change in your love life.




Edited 7/7/2006 3:30 pm ET by travkitty
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2006
In reply to: gl_1911
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 3:36pm
I was in a "combat zone" I am an infantryman I patrolled cities and towns in the diyallah province northeast of baghdad... I went on hundreds of missions... I'm just saying nothing ever happened that I thought was that big of a deal. The whole experience was numbing and embittering in general, but it wasn't that crazy. We've had briefings on all of that PTSD stuff. I may have some symptoms of the "leaky vessel syndrome" you talk about I wouldn't put it past myself but no love was ever offered so I can not say for sure. The girl I was talking to on myspace I tried to show as much affection as I could all the time and tried to always be there for her and listen and be a good friend and I just wound up scaring her and had her tell me that I liked her a lot more than she liked me. I know I must be capable of loving others and that is one thing that hurts so bad is because I really want to share it with someone but there is no one.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
In reply to: gl_1911
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 6:36pm
Thanks Rebecca!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
In reply to: gl_1911
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 6:47pm

There is someone for everyone. But until you learn to love yourself, no one else will be able to love you. I know it seems like there is no light at the end of the tunnel, but there is. You just have to fight for it. By resigning yourself to being the way you are, you're giving up.


Someone once told me if you keep doing what you're doing, you'll keep getting what you're getting. My advice to you is try something new. Look into counseling, look into healing yourself. Even if it's something like finding a new religion or a place you can meditate, it will help.


Life can be very fulfilling without a partner. When you stop looking, you may just find what you wanted. But first you have to be your own best partner.


I hope this helps. And please don't feel embarrassed... we're all here to help.


Kerry