need an honest opinion

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2005
need an honest opinion
43
Fri, 07-08-2005 - 9:21pm
Lets say I really like this guy and he will be 40 in a couple of months, never been married, busy career. What are the odds he will seriously involve himself with a single mother of a 9 yo?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2005
Sun, 07-10-2005 - 1:19pm
Amjay, he never indicated any look down upon me as a single mom. This is just a suspicion of mine.
I like him because he challenges me - thoughts, views. We have similar outlook on many tings and I enjoy hanging out with him. Often I feel like we are the same person and that freaks me out too! I only felt the same way with one other guy from old and he moved to another state.
I am the type of a person that if I see something/someone that I want - I want it NOW! :)
Feeling more relaxed now after poling all of the opinions here.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Sun, 07-10-2005 - 1:24pm

"I think this lawyer man thinks he is such a great catch that even at almost 40 he is looking for someone who is gorgeous, smart, no kids, good job/money."

Is this you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2005
Sun, 07-10-2005 - 1:32pm
uhu, but how would i know this for sure? :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2005
Sun, 07-10-2005 - 8:23pm
Everyone is different. The only way to know is to ask him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
Mon, 07-11-2005 - 12:08pm

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Hi Amjay...I wouldn't say you are wrong. When I was active in OLD the age range for me was about the same, 41-49 and sometimes older. The men I met, or tried to meet, were absolutley NOT interested in a woman with kids at home full time and mine are not babies by a long shot. It seemed to me that what they were looking for were kids at home part time or not at all(grown and out of the house, etc.) The kid factor was a major dating stumbling block for me.

I did meet some men who it wasn't an issue for, but in that group they also wanted kids of their own. I'm 49 and I ain't birthin' no more babies! LOL

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2005
Mon, 07-11-2005 - 12:24pm

I think men who are in their 40's and won't date women with children....have cut their chances to meeting women down to ...slim.



CL-Truewild1969


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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Mon, 07-11-2005 - 12:53pm

Very interesting, thanks luv!

So I guess even if they state "any", what they could mean is "as long as my date doesn't need a babysitter".

And I'm am so with you on the baby issue. I have recently emptied my nest and I am free, free, great God almighty, I am free.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Mon, 07-11-2005 - 1:33pm

I didn't have time to read all of the posts. But since I am a single mom with a 9 yo son I thought I would give you my opinion.

I would tend to DELETE on that one. A 40 yo without kids who puts 'no' for the answer about a date with kids is too much of a risk in my opinion.

I bet if you look at his lifestyle it will scream no children - spontaneous weekend trips, skiing, rock climbing, clubbing - that sort of thing.

On the very least you should ask him about that straight up on the first communication. Always get issues like that out in the open right away.

The other thought is that many times an older guy like that will want children - and then he will want a younger woman who doesn't have kids of her own - and believe me - he can find one - there are plenty of them out there.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2004
Mon, 07-11-2005 - 1:51pm
Hey Judy, thanks for your opinion.
<>
That is my gut feel/worry about him :)
I am open to having more children but I have a small time window for that. I did tell him so but I should probably ask him about how he REALLY feels about being a step parent.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Mon, 07-11-2005 - 2:23pm

I would not so much worry about the step parent part - you don't need another parent for the child. And it is not like you are assuming marriage at this point - you are assuming a LTR with the possibility of marriage after a few years.

But I would worry more about the LIFESTYLE part - being tied down. Having to set a good example. Having to include the child in the things you do. Having to do activities that benefit just the child. Having the child get attention.

Basically it boils down to him not being selfish and being able to feel that a child is a special blessing - they really are only leased to us for a short time and we get so much more from them than we could ever give. But not everyone can see it that way.

I also don't think you can put your "small window" of child bearing on him. You just can't rush a relationship or put the stress of a ticking clock on him. But if he is sure he wants more children of his own you may not be able to give him that in the time allotted - you need time - like a year or two to really be able to make a marriage decision. And then you need time as a couple and time to get pregnant. To push that for the sake of a relationship would be a mistake in my opinion.

I have had to deal with all of these same issues.

I have decided that for now the perfect thing to do is nothing - I just have to wait for someone who views me as ms right and has the behavior and actions to prove that. There is no pushing or rushing or hoping or pleading. It will happen all on its own. And the decision to have a child or not will be answered within that situation. I want the right guy.

You should read the new book by Linda Armstrong Kelly - that is Lance's mom - she had him when she was 17 and had to go through 3 bad marriages. I think the reason she failed at picking the right guy the first 3 times was because she was more concerned about finding a dad for her son than the right guy for her. She did get it right on the 4th try. The story would do you a lot of good. It made me cry - I could not put the book down.

Hope this helps!!

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