Need input from some gals

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2013
Need input from some gals
3
Wed, 04-24-2013 - 10:15pm

Hi,

My close girlfriend has offered advice but i want to know what others think here.

I met two guys on an online dating site.

Guy #1
Very charming and generous with his laughter, easy to be around. However red flags galore. Married twice. First marriage failed because he cheated (and there is a slight criminal element to it although it was downgraded to a misdemeanor). I guess this warrants more explanation.  Regarding the misdemeanor thing. He cheated with a married woman who had a teenage daughter (a minor). About 6 months into the affair, he emailed the daughter inappropriate content. The woman reported it to police and he was arrested. With probation/good behavior, it was downgraded from a felony to a misdemeanor. I found this out myself. He never told me. As I type this, I find myself saying duh what were you thinking. I should have bolted right when I found out, right?  he seems very different and honest now. One child from marriage #1 who lives with mother. Second marriage ended 1.5 years ago--he says she ended it. Has one stepson from that marriage. He briefly mentioned he has bad credit--didn't elaborate. Been on three dates. He is a workaholic and has not been good about texting/emailing/calling. But I still feel very attracted to him.


Guy#2
Shy and awkward. Seems nice enough. kinda cheap. On first date, i offered to help with the check and he said i could pay for the tip! Very difficult to talk to, not a lot of fun or smiles. He pays me a lot of attention and is attentive with texts. Been on three dates. But i feel NO attraction at all (in fact, slightly repulsed).

Friends say guy #1 is too sketchy and I should not bother with him. He has way too much baggage. But the attraction is there.

Friends say with guy #2 the attraction can grow but most likely it won't so i should tell him we can just be friends. 

Help! I really like guy#1, but feel like i may be lowering my standards and discarding long held principles. But what if he really has changed. He seems so nice. But i don't know how i would feel being wife 3 if things got serious. Guy#2 is blah but stable/safe. should i give him a chance anyways and hope i will eventually be attracted to him

Or just forget both and start fresh?

Now the other tricky part. I don't like the great houdini act (ie disappearing into thin air). After all, these are human beings with feelings and leaving people hanging is cold, disrespectful, and lacks integrity. so I feel I should end things amicably at least, right? I know when people leave me hanging, it totally pisses me off.

With guy #1 will an email and phone call suffice? Or in person?

With guy#2 in person?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Sat, 04-27-2013 - 10:15am

You can be attracted to half the population. It doesn't mean the person is the right person for you. After all, serial killer Ted Bundy was very attractive. A man who has sent sexual e-mails to a teen? Turns my stomach. These are his ethics. Child predator and cheater. Has he had intensive psychiatric therapy and been transformed into a decent human being? Highly unlikely. He didn't care that he was emotionally harming/scarring a child and didn't care that he was hurting his wife by screwing someone else. So you think now he can care? Sorry, but ethics don't change unless a person has an extreme epiphany. Choosing a lifetime partner is one of the most important things you'll ever do in your life. Make a must haves list and a dealbreakers list and stick with it. Don't let chemistry and attraction and assuming someone has changed be the sole basis of your decision making. If your decision maker is broken, then yes, always consult with friends. Good luck. 

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Fri, 04-26-2013 - 11:51am

madeline_m57 wrote:
<p><span style="color:#000000; font-family:'Trebuchet MS', Arial, sans-serif; font-size:13px; background-color:#f8f8f8">Hi,</span><br /><br /><span style="color:#000000; font-family:'Trebuchet MS', Arial, sans-serif; font-size:13px; background-color:#f8f8f8">My close girlfriend has offered advice but i want to know what others think here.</span><br /><br /><span style="color:#000000; font-family:'Trebuchet MS', Arial, sans-serif; font-size:13px; background-color:#f8f8f8">I met two guys on an online dating site.</span><br /><br /><span style="color:#000000; font-family:'Trebuchet MS', Arial, sans-serif; font-size:13px; background-color:#f8f8f8">Guy #1</span><br /><span style="color:#000000; font-family:'Trebuchet MS', Arial, sans-serif; font-size:13px; background-color:#f8f8f8">Very charming and generous with his laughter, easy to be around. However red flags galore. Married twice. First marriage failed because he cheated (and there is a slight criminal element to it although it was downgraded to a misdemeanor). I guess this warrants more explanation.  </span><span style="background-color:#f8f8f8; color:#000000; font-family:'Trebuchet MS', Arial, sans-serif; font-size:13px">Regarding the misdemeanor thing. He cheated with a married woman who had a teenage daughter (a minor). About 6 months into the affair, he emailed the daughter inappropriate content. The woman reported it to police and he was arrested. With probation/good behavior, it was downgraded from a felony to a misdemeanor. I found this out myself. He never told me. As I type this, I find myself saying duh what were you thinking. I should have bolted right when I found out, right?  </span><span style="background-color:#f8f8f8; color:#000000; font-family:'Trebuchet MS', Arial, sans-serif; font-size:13px">he seems very different and honest now. One child from marriage #1 who lives with mother. Second marriage ended 1.5 years ago--he says she ended it. Has one stepson from that marriage. He briefly mentioned he has bad credit--didn't elaborate. Been on three dates. He is a workaholic and has not been good about texting/emailing/calling. But I still feel very attracted to him.</span></p><p><span style="background-color:#f8f8f8; color:#000000; font-family:'Trebuchet MS', Arial, sans-serif; font-size:13px"><br /></span></p><p><span style="color:#000000; font-family:'Trebuchet MS', Arial, sans-serif; font-size:13px; background-color:#f8f8f8">Guy#2</span><br /><span style="color:#000000; font-family:'Trebuchet MS', Arial, sans-serif; font-size:13px; background-color:#f8f8f8">Shy and awkward. Seems nice enough. kinda cheap. On first date, i offered to help with the check and he said i could pay for the tip! Very difficult to talk to, not a lot of fun or smiles. He pays me a lot of attention and is attentive with texts. Been on three dates. But i feel NO attraction at all (in fact, slightly repulsed).</span><br /><br /><span style="color:#000000; font-family:'Trebuchet MS', Arial, sans-serif; font-size:13px; background-color:#f8f8f8">Friends say guy #1 is too sketchy and I should not bother with him. He has way too much baggage. But the attraction is there.</span><br /><br /><span style="color:#000000; font-family:'Trebuchet MS', Arial, sans-serif; font-size:13px; background-color:#f8f8f8">Friends say with guy #2 the attraction can grow but most likely it won't so i should tell him we can just be friends. </span><br /><br /><span style="color:#000000; font-family:'Trebuchet MS', Arial, sans-serif; font-size:13px; background-color:#f8f8f8">Help! I really like guy#1, but feel like i may be lowering my standards and discarding long held principles. But what if he really has changed. He seems so nice. But i don't know how i would feel being wife 3 if things got serious. Guy#2 is blah but stable/safe. should i give him a chance anyways and hope i will eventually be attracted to him</span><br /><br /><span style="color:#000000; font-family:'Trebuchet MS', Arial, sans-serif; font-size:13px; background-color:#f8f8f8">Or just forget both and start fresh?</span></p><p><span style="color:#000000; font-family:'Trebuchet MS', Arial, sans-serif; font-size:13px; background-color:#f8f8f8">Now the other tricky part. I don't like the great houdini act (ie disappearing into thin air). After all, these are human beings with feelings and leaving people hanging is cold, disrespectful, and lacks integrity. so I feel I should end things amicably at least, right? I know when people leave me hanging, it totally pisses me off.</span><br /><br /><span style="color:#000000; font-family:'Trebuchet MS', Arial, sans-serif; font-size:13px; background-color:#f8f8f8">With guy #1 will an email and phone call suffice? Or in person?</span></p><p><span style="background-color:#f8f8f8; color:#000000; font-family:'Trebuchet MS', Arial, sans-serif; font-size:13px">With guy#2 in person?</span></p>

I don't see any reason for you to be closing down the dating of others with either of them. If you aren't feeling it for both of them, then just tell them to their faces that you dont' feel for them what is required for you to be happy in a long term relationship and let them go.  You don't owe them any more than that.  Don't do it via text or phone--that's just base.  Meet them in person, but have your exit plan in place: "I've got to run now--I'm meeting up with my bff for a drink and a movie/I've got to go to class/ I've got a dentist appointment. Take care.."  That's all that needs be.

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Thu, 04-25-2013 - 7:45am

It sounds as though you've decided not to pursue things with either one. But in case you're on the fence:

Guy #1: Run. Just run. Too much baggage. And they almost always seem so nice in the beginning, like they've changed, etc. Attraction is important, but it is clouding your judgement. Attraction will eventually diminish, and then you're left with who he really is.

Guy #2. If you're slightly repulsed, I say end it. It's very rare for attraction to develop (believe me, I have tried). 

I personally hate confrontation, so I generally will turn dates down and be slow in getting back to them. They generally get the hint. I don't think you need to end things in person--it's only been three dates. Since you began online with these men, I personally don't think it's terrible to send an email. You don't need to be specific, just say that you don't think you are a match and good luck, etc. Or you could call them, or wait for them to call you and ask you out.

And finally, there are a lot more men out there--no need to decide between these two.