Need Some Advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2005
Need Some Advice
85
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 2:16am

I had been talking to this guy from an online dating site and we decided to meet last weekend. Well, the date seemed to go well. We met for drinks and talked for hours and he wanted to do something after we left the restaurant, but it was late and not much was open. He said that he definitely wanted to go out with me again. When we were leaving the restaurant he was hugging me and holding my hand and told me that I was very pretty. He was acting interested. Well, it has been nearly 6 days now and he hasn't called. I was thinking that maybe I should just call him and tell him that I head a nice time last week, but don't know if I should. I am a little confused right now because when we met he was acting interested and I expected to hear from him by now. Has this happened to anyone else? What should I do? I really thought that this guy had some potential and I am very disappointed right now.

Thanks

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2006
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 3:09pm

I do think the book oversimplifies things, but that's because it's trying to get women to "see the light". The point of HJNTIY is that a guy might SEEM like he's kind of into a woman, and since the woman might like him and want to be wanted (who doesn't want to be wanted?) women frequently will create things in their own heads that just don't exist.

But I also think you missed the point of the book. The point of the book is that in the second situation you describe, where a guy SEEMS really into you at first and you think he's being truthful, and then later he flakes out on you... the point is that HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU.

In other words, you seem to think that the guy is a liar- that he *is* into you at first, and then later starts games-playing (or remembers that he's got a wife or a gf or something) he later decides he's not into you.

The point of the book is that he was NEVER that into you in the first place. He's not really a scummy liar; you just created the notion that he really seemed into you in your own head.

One thing that I think is really funny is how often the book talks about women who honestly believe that THEY are different, that THEY don't fit into the situations that the book describes, and they don't get it- they absolutely ARE that woman and their guy really just isn't that into them.

Don't take this wrong- but this is you. You're telling us that the book oversimplifies, that in your case it's different and that you don't understand why a guy would seem to think you're pretty and interesting and then act that way.

That, karalyn, is EXACTLY the point of the book! It doesn't matter why a guy would act like that; what he is showing you is that He's Just Not That Into You! So all that other stuff doesn't matter, and you ARE that girl in the book, trying to analyze the guy and figure him out and understand him.

Don't. From a female perspective, men are idiots. (And don't go thinking you're all superior, because from a male perspective, women are idiots, too. Why would nice, smart, funny, pretty women waste their time on guys who aren't into them? It drives us guys absolutely insane.)

You said... "I really thought that this guy was nice but I guess I was fooled again. I really don't think it is nice to make plans with someone and then blow them off."

You're right. It's not nice. But he might be very nice, it's just that he's not that into you, and he doesn't really know how to say THAT, so he does stuff like make plans and then bail out on them.

Which is even less nice, but that's not how guys think, so it's not like he's being mean; he's just being a guy.

"If he thought I was pretty and nice I guess I really don't understand why he wouldn't want to go out with me again."

There's lots of pretty and nice women that I don't want to date again- we just aren't compatible. That's how it works. If you overthink it, it'll make you crazy, so go read a book or have a jog or something. ;)

Avatar for travkitty
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2003
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 5:28pm
Are you Greg Behrendt in disguise? LOL!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2005
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 5:32pm
What do you mean by saying "he's not being mean, he's just being a guy" To me this is just excusing someone for their inconsiderate behavior. Not all men make plans and then blow the women off. I also know that not every man acts like they are really into a woman one minute and then not the next. It really doesn't matter anymore because I am done with this guy even if he does call again. I just think that incosiderate is just plain incisiderate and saying that he is just being a guy is an excuse. This is just my opinion and I am not a guy, but I know that not all men behave this way.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2003
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 8:12pm

I shouldn't answer a question as to what someone else meant but will anyway...

What is meant by just being a guy is that many men find it difficult to deal with giving bad news to a woman because they don't want to deal with the emotions. In general (yes, I'm generalizing), men don't display their emotions to the same extent that women do and many men try to avoid the direct confrontation.

I've also been out on a first meet and had an okay time with good conversation but there was no spark so when the man called for a second date, I declined. It wasn't because he wasn't nice or attractive. He just wasn't someone I wanted to date.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2006
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 4:22am

What do you mean by saying "he's not being mean, he's just being a guy" To me this is just excusing someone for their inconsiderate behavior. Not all men make plans and then blow the women off. I also know that not every man acts like they are really into a woman one minute and then not the next. It really doesn't matter anymore because I am done with this guy even if he does call again. I just think that incosiderate is just plain incisiderate and saying that he is just being a guy is an excuse. This is just my opinion and I am not a guy, but I know that not all men behave this way.
_____________

What I'm saying by that is that you're accusing him of being mean, as though he's doing it on purpose to hurt you or play games with you. He's not. He's just being a guy. He probably isn't thinking about it at all.

You say "Not all men make plans and then blow the women off..." You're right. Not all guys do that.

Guys who are really into a woman don't do that.

Guys who are NOT into the woman, they'll do that stuff.

You are wasting way too much time and energy on a guy who isn't into you and who was NEVER really that into you.

And it is because guys don't want to deal directly with the emotions involved. It's funny, because guys are supposed to be all direct and linear and stuff, but in this instance we're not; we don't want to just flat-out say "look, I don't want to date you" so instead we do the inconsiderate stuff.

It's not conscious, though. We just do it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2005
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 7:22am

I can see that you are really into that book. I myself am not as I feel it just gives men an excuse to be inconsiderate jerks. Sorry, about this but this is the way I feel. I just found out this guy is not looking for the same thing as myself. He just wanted sex and something casual. Like I said I am moving on, and I do agree that there are some men that behave like you say, but not all men behave this way, and I don't think it is simple as you say. You are somehow implying that as if the woman is somehow at fault. "He's just not that into you". If he were into you he would somehow all of the sudden be considerate. Sorry, but in my book that is just an excuse for men to act like jerks to woman. I have male friends that don't behave this way. Thank god.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 7:54am

Guys who have good manners and are considerate of others will not make appointments and not keep them even if they are not really attracted to the person with whom they make an appointment. Guys who are responsible and not narcissists do not lead women on.

You are explaining the behavior of RUDE men as though it is a normal behavior for ALL men, and in doing so you are misrepresenting men as a group.

I agree that the motivation behind not calling or making any effort to stay in touch is that the guy is "just not that into" the woman.

But what we're really talking about here is why a man would flirt and encourage a woman to feel that he is attracted--sometimes even make an appointment to see her again--when he has no intention of seeing her again because he is not, in fact, attracted.

I don't think this is a "guy thing." I think it is a "rude person" thing. I have known women who do something very similar to guys--they flirt and then they don't really want to see the guy again. My take on it is that they wanted the ego-boost that the guy's attention gave them and that they didn't think of the guy's feelings. That is selfish. When a guy does the same thing to a woman, he's being selfish also.

Yes, the bottom line when a guy doesn't call is that HJNTI the girl. But the mixed messages that some guys give before they don't call are not a "guy thing" they are manifestations of narcissistic, egocentric behavior that both men and women are capable of.

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2005
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 8:09am
Yes Elsa,
I agree with you on this one. Not only did this guy flirt with and was coming onto me initially, but then he did it again on the phone and made a tentative date with me for the next day and then didn't follow through. He could have easily not made a plan with me or left it open ended. There is no excuse for this behavior to me.After reading his ad again it says he is looking for a woman that wants to have fun. Nothing about dating or LTR. He also goes on to brag about himself. I should have paid more attention to this but didn't and since he answered my ad I thought that he wanted the same thing as me. Live and learn I guess. Also, I think that there are guys out there that are only into themselves (women too), who don't want relationships at all. To me it is sad when a man is 37 and still behaving this way. Big dissapointment.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 8:23am

Karalyn, I agree. There are two different issues involved. One is why would a man make a woman feel that he was interested when in fact he isn't? The other is why would a man not call a woman even though he acted interested?

The answer to the second question is clearly that (no matter what he made her feel) he is just not that interested.

The answer to the first question, however, is more complex. A guy may make a woman feel that he is interested because he wants something from her (sex, an ego boost, whatever). Or a man may make a woman feel that he is interested because, at that moment, he *is* interested. He gets carried away by the moment. Or the guy may be attracted by one thing about the woman but find that she also has a "dealbreaker" -- for example, he may be attracted, but she has a child, and he doesn't want to get into a relationship with her. This ambivalence may manifest itself in his acting one way one day (very happy to be with her) and another way the next (after he's not seen her for a while and can look at the situation "objectively.").

There are all sorts of explanations for why a guy may seem to be interested in a woman and then cool off his interest completely--and they usually have a lot less to do with what a woman does than what is going on in the guy's head.

But, as I said in my message to Mr. HJNTIY, what it really comes down to is whether a man is considerate or rude. In a perfect world, none of us (male or female) should "lead on" a person we date. If we do it, however, we need to take responsibility, not slink away pretending it is the other person's fault for believing the lies we acted out or actually said.

It's not a "guy thing" to lead another person on. Women do it too. And to fail to take responsibility for it is an "irresponsible person thing."

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 8:28am
I think for a lot of guys the word "fun" means "sex without any responsibility." I used to have "I am not looking for a romantic relationship, just a chance to meet people and have fun" in my profile. What I meant by people and fun was *friendship* (my profile began with "looking for friends") but what a lot of guys understood was "sex." After a few e-mails that showed that misunderstanding, I rephrased my profile. :)

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