Need Some Advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2005
Need Some Advice
85
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 2:16am

I had been talking to this guy from an online dating site and we decided to meet last weekend. Well, the date seemed to go well. We met for drinks and talked for hours and he wanted to do something after we left the restaurant, but it was late and not much was open. He said that he definitely wanted to go out with me again. When we were leaving the restaurant he was hugging me and holding my hand and told me that I was very pretty. He was acting interested. Well, it has been nearly 6 days now and he hasn't called. I was thinking that maybe I should just call him and tell him that I head a nice time last week, but don't know if I should. I am a little confused right now because when we met he was acting interested and I expected to hear from him by now. Has this happened to anyone else? What should I do? I really thought that this guy had some potential and I am very disappointed right now.

Thanks

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 2:27pm
That's a tough situation to be in. Where the person is great in so many ways but there are some important things that just don't click. I don't know if you would feel comfortable mentioning (just in general) what those things are. Sometimes when you don't see eye to eye on some important issues and it's causing some problems then that person isn't the right fit for you. You are not going to see everything eye to eye of course and you have to figure out what are deal breakers for you and what you can accept, but if you really can't accept certain things without being unhappy then you might have to let go because like you said things can begin to wear on you and make you miserable. I think these things may be dulling your feelings and excitement about her. Whenever we have doubts (and doubts are normal) we tend to feel a little less for that person.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 2:43pm

"And I think that way too often, women want to think that the guy is a creep instead of just admitting to themselves "he's not that into me"."

True, but WHY ACT like you're "into her" if you're not? Don't even go there if you don't feel the connection. If you have read many of the posts on this board, you will see that it all involves men ACTING interested and then back-peddling later. Does NOT make sense. Why bother really? If the guy isn't interested, he shouldn't lead her to believe he is. Don't call daily for weeks if you're not interested, don't ask a girl out on a 2nd date, etc. You get my drift here. And BTW, the games look even worse on a guy past 40. Maturity seems to be lacking big time with the over-40 men I've dated or met. Sad, but true. Players aren't just the guys trying to get a girl into bed. Players are also fickle men who get their jollies out of acting interested if they are not. Probably 95% of the board posters are sick of it and that is why we come here to vent and get support. Because we are SICK of game-playing men.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 2:47pm

"The sex is spectacular- we have awesome chemistry. Unfortunately, we also don't see things the same way, and it's turning out that it's some pretty important things that we disagree on. I'm starting to think that maybe I'm JNTIher; I'm into her, but not THAT into her."

Appears you are also another user who is taking advantage of this woman (and probably mainly for sex). Don't you think you should have found out about some of those things you didn't agree on BEFORE you jumped in bed with her?? Just another case of game playing. Hopefully, she will dump you before you dump her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 3:00pm

Disagreeing is one thing, personal attacks another. Please be careful of language that is directly attacking another poster.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2005
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 5:39pm

Hjntiy,
The whole reason that I posted this situation is because this guy acting all into me when we met complimenting me, telling me that he definitely wanted to see me again etc., and then nothing. This to me is 0dd behavior. When I act really into somebody and do and say these things it is because I am into them. To me this is game playing and it is very immature especially for a 38 year old man. I don't agree that everything can be explained by saying he's just not that into you. For some reason all your posts on this board revolve around saying this to women. I think many men are ambivalent and don't know what they want or they lie about wanting a relationship and instead just want sex. Some people are mentally unstable. I do think that alot of men play games.

Karalyn

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 5:43pm

Umm, ouch. That wasn't really necessary. Have you never been with someone for a while that you came to find out down the line that you weren't right for each other? In fact, weren't you married for some time? People can be married for 40 years and sleep together all that time and then find out when they retire that they don't see eye to eye on millions of things and may never have.

As for this:

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When this topic comes up, I always remember an episode of Friends where Chandler goes out with Rachel's boss. He is not that into her but at the end of the date he says, "Thanks, it was great, let's do it again soon. I'll call ya!" even tho he had no intention of going out with her again because he didn't like her. Rachel got mad at him b/c of it and he said, "It's what I DO! I can't help it, it's like REFLEX" (paraphrasing). She made him call her boss and ask her out again so he could tell her in person that he wasn't going to go out with her again. At the end of THAT date, he says, "Thanks, it was great, let's do it again soon. I'll call ya!" Rachel hits him or something. So he turns around and tells the truth. He told her he didn't want to hurt her feelings so that's why he'd done it. And that it was just what guys DID. Didn't make it right, but they do.

As for why they do it - maybe they don't want to hurt your feelings by telling you at the end of the date, "It was nice meeting you but I don't want to go out with you again." Maybe they are being polite and are just a friendly person in general. Maybe they liked you at first and the flirting was genuine but after they go home and think on it, they decide that you're just not the one for them - guys are day to day creatures and also out of sight out of mind. Maybe it's NOT and ACT - that's the point! Maybe they DID like you at the time but the point also is that if he doesn't call you back after acting that way, who CARES? You should move on knowing that you are worth more than that and that a guy who IS into you will show you over and over again.

And as to the posts that say that if a guy is not ready for a relationship that not even the perfect woman will make him change his mind? That's hooey. It happens all the time. Guys want relationship just as much as women do for the most part. You see plenty of posts out here from women of "My b/f of 3 years and I broke up and now he's engaged after onlyt 2 months of dating this chick!" The reason? Chances are, first girl was not the one and second girl IS the one and he knew it right away.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 5:59pm
Game playing is game playing. When a guy continues to show interest and continues to call her, then what is the point? If a guy knows someone is not for him (like the one poster indicated), then continuing to have sex with her is wrong. That is using someone else. I'm familiar with the Friends episode and of the other posts, but there is no excuse for bad behavior. For a guy to act one way for a length of time and then "change his mind" for no reason is very immature on any level--jr. high behavior at best. Giving guys a pass for bad behavior when they've lead someone on is extremely bad form, no matter how you slice it or what you compare it to. Period. And I have zero tolerance for men in their 40's who act this way. The games should be over at that point.


Edited 2/22/2007 6:03 pm ET by mitsy2
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 6:12pm

Vex, I disagree STRONGLY with your last paragraph--that men who aren't ready for a relationship will change their minds if the right woman comes along. That's not the same thing as the example you give. Your example just means the first woman wasn't right for him, not that he wasn't ready for a relationship.

After all these years of dating and observing relationships, it seems really, really clear to me that timing and having their ducks in a row is much, much more important to men (as a rule) than it is to women. We'll go out of our way to arrange our lives so that we can make a relationship a part of it. Not too many guys will do that. Most will arrange their lives to their satisfaction first, THEN they are ready for something serious. That's the whole "next girl wins" thing--once a guy gets to that point, the next woman he meets who fits his criteria is the one he'll get serious with. But until he gets to that point, no one is going to be right for him to get serious with because he's not ready.

I think someone used the taxi analogy at some point when we talked about this before on this board, or maybe it was on Sex and the City--the guy's light has to be on. If his light is off, no matter how enticing you are, he's not going to stop and pick you up (meaning, he's not going to have a serious relationship with you).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 6:40pm

<<For a guy to act one way for a length of time and then "change his mind" for no reason is very immature on any level--jr. high behavior at best. >>


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2003
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 6:44pm

I disagree with you on this one. Have you never been in a relationship and had doubts? Talked to your girlfriends about some of your concerns with the person and the relationship? I know I have and it doesn't mean I'm playing games. It means that I'm a bit confused and unsure as to whether it is worth the effort to try to salvage the relationship or time to say good-bye. Most people build up to the point in a relationship where they are sure enough to end it and most still shed a few tears and wonder if they've made a mistake afterwards. Feelings aren't black and white. We don't go to sleep one night thinking everything is great and wake up in the morning sure that the person we are dating/living with/married to is not the one and it is over.

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