Need Some Advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2005
Need Some Advice
85
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 2:16am

I had been talking to this guy from an online dating site and we decided to meet last weekend. Well, the date seemed to go well. We met for drinks and talked for hours and he wanted to do something after we left the restaurant, but it was late and not much was open. He said that he definitely wanted to go out with me again. When we were leaving the restaurant he was hugging me and holding my hand and told me that I was very pretty. He was acting interested. Well, it has been nearly 6 days now and he hasn't called. I was thinking that maybe I should just call him and tell him that I head a nice time last week, but don't know if I should. I am a little confused right now because when we met he was acting interested and I expected to hear from him by now. Has this happened to anyone else? What should I do? I really thought that this guy had some potential and I am very disappointed right now.

Thanks

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2003
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 6:47pm

Wow I must be feeling disagreeable today because this is the second post I've made that starts with me stating I disagree with another's opinion.

I don't think circumstance has all that much to do with whether a person wants a relationship or not. If its right, we pursue it. If it isn't, we don't. Regardless of whether we are busy at work or if a parent is ill or if we have a cold. If you meet someone that interests you, you don't say no, I think I'll pass even though you could be the love of my life because I'm working on a project or buying a house. When a man or woman says "I'm not ready for a relationship", it means he or she doesn't want to spend the rest of your lives together.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 6:54pm

Oh, *women* don't pass on a relationship for those reasons, but men sure do!!!!

Gross generalization and of course there are going to be exceptions--but this is a definite gender difference.

Edited to add: it's the whole multi-tasking thing. Men have a MUCH harder time with balancing more than one priority at a time (again, as a general rule, not all men). That's not a slam on men, it's just an acknowledgement that their brains are wired differently in that respect.

Sheri




Edited 2/22/2007 7:05 pm ET by northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2005
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 9:00pm

I agree with Sheri on this one. I have had men tell me that they were not looking for a relationship and it meant exactly that. They may have been right out of another relationship and afraid to get involved again or for other reasons they just don't want a commitment at that time. When this is the case it doesn't matter who they meet. They still don't want a relationship at that time.

Karalyn

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 9:25pm

No one "just changes their mind", not even HJNTITY here. Take this as an example:

HJHTITY has this great relationship with this great woman. They have a wonderful time together; she is a wonderful woman; they have awesome sex. He cares about her a lot, but as time goes on, he is realizing they have fundamental differences in the way they approach life. But he has this super woman, super relationship and great sex. It's a security blanket and the comfort of the relationship is there. Why rock the boat? And he tries to tell himself - "You moron! Why can't you love her? She's awesome! The relationship is good! The sex is great! You SHOULD love this woman!" So he hangs on either to see if it can work out or for the security or because it's easier to just stay where he is.

Now there is Suzie Q. Her husband beats the crap out of her at least once a week. After he does it, he begs for her forgivness and says he'll never do it again. He's SO sweet. He buys her flowers and jewelry every time. And the make-up sex - woo hoo! It's H-O-T! She has this guy who is her security blanket and she has the comfort of a relationship. Why rock the boat? She tries to tell herself - "You moron! You LOVE him! Yeah, he beats the crap out of you once a week, but you LOVE him. And he's SO sweet the rest of the time - he treats you like gold! You should stay with this man!" So she keeps hanging out, hoping things will change and that he will keep his promise that it will be the last time he beats the crap out of her because she wants to see if it will work or for the security or because it is easier to just stay where she is.

Is the woman playing games? No. Is the guy? No. These situations are the same side of the coin. Ending relationships is tough. No one WANTS to lose that security of the relationship. You keep hoping things will change because you love or care about the person. But it goes by and it doesn't change. Should HJNTITY end his relationship? Probably. But this came about over time - he didn't just wake up and say "Wow - she and I are SO different." - it came about through the process of getting to know each other. Should the woman who's getting the crap beat out of her leave the relationship? You bet. But she stays in b/c she has a husband, a home, kids, a relationship, comfort, security... The longer either of them stay, the harder it is to get out. But in either scenario, it might be the best thing, but it still isn't so cut and dried to do that.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 9:42pm
Well said Vex.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 9:10am
I also agree with Sheri. Timing is a lot of it, and I still say a woman could be a perfect 10 and meet his criteria and everything and if he has issues (whatever going on in his life, unfinished feelings about last relationship, etc., etc.) it doesn't matter, the guy is not going to be with anyone. I've seen this happen first-hand a number of times. My thought process is still the same though about being lead on. If a guy is not ready for a relationship, then he should not be advertising himself that way on the dating sites. And, yes, to answer another post, if a guy shows continues to call me and act interested, I'm lead to believe he IS interested. And he would look a whole lot better if he admitted he was not interested in something serious rather than screw around with someone's feelings. That is why I'm (for the moment) done with OLD.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2005
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 1:50pm

I totally agree with you Mitsy. If a guy doesn't want a relationship why lead us on and act like he does. It is very confusing. I have had guys tell me that they want a relationship, but what they really want is something casual. I have also had guys tell me they love me one day and the next day break up with me for no reason. This is crazy behavior. It is one thing to be ambivalent about things, but entirely another to lead people on knowingly, which I think alot of men do. It would be better if a man just came out and said I don't want a relationship or I just want something casual. I would respect them alot more for this.

Karalyn

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2006
Sat, 02-24-2007 - 3:34am

Too late, we're off track already. But hey, it's the internet- that's how threads go. :)

A few months, to answer your question. We're dating exclusively, it's long enough to be starting to get a better feeling for the long-term potential but not long enough to say "the heck with this, you're crazy, I'm out of here."

It's actually a stressful time, if you think about it. At first, it's not as stressful, because it's not long enough to "be really serious" yet. And later, once it IS obviously really serious, well, at least you know how things are supposed to go. But this time? Not exactly serious, but not playing around anymore, either.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2006
Sat, 02-24-2007 - 3:44am

"I don't know if you would feel comfortable mentioning (just in general) what those things are. Sometimes when you don't see eye to eye on some important issues and it's causing some problems then that person isn't the right fit for you. You are not going to see everything eye to eye of course and you have to figure out what are deal breakers for you and what you can accept, but if you really can't accept certain things without being unhappy then you might have to let go because like you said things can begin to wear on you and make you miserable."
______________________

Well, perhaps the biggest is that we fight/disagree differently- a LOT differently. She's one of those people who'll say, when we're disagreeing or she's angry at me for something, "why bother, you obviously don't care about me, I should just leave, blah blah blah."

I'm not wired that way. When I'm with someone, even if I'm angry or irritated with them, I don't say that kind of thing- OBVIOUSLY I like them, otherwise I wouldn't be with them in the first place.

To me, it's an unfair way to disagree or argue, because it seems to suggest that unless you completely agree with them, you don't care for them- and that's just not the case. People who're deeply in love can still agree to disagree and it doesn't mean they should go drive their car in front of a train or something!

The other biggie is that she drinks more than I think I'm comfortable with, and most of the time if/when she does there's drama later. I hate it. I've spoken with her about it as gently as possible but that's one of the areas that's a total minefield; say/do the wrong thing and the walls of defense/denial spring up, and now you're never going to get anywhere with it.

It's not something you can notice immediately about someone. If they get pretty ripped and have the big dramatic scenes, but only once every few months, well, it's going to take a few months before you realize it's a pattern and not just a once-off kind of thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2006
Sat, 02-24-2007 - 3:48am

"True, but WHY ACT like you're "into her" if you're not?... Don't even go there if you don't feel the connection. If you have read many of the posts on this board, you will see that it all involves men ACTING interested and then back-peddling later. Does NOT make sense."
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It doesn't make sense to you, because you're thinking like a woman, not a man. Men and women don't think the same way (NEWS FLASH!) and, as a guy, I'd say that most guys just aren't doing it for games-playing purposes. I know that if/when a woman does it, it WOULD be a game thing, which is why women figure that men doing it is games-playing, but it's not.
.
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"Players are also fickle men who get their jollies out of acting interested if they are not. Probably 95% of the board posters are sick of it and that is why we come here to vent and get support. Because we are SICK of game-playing men."
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No doubt, and I don't blame you, but most of the time it's not games; the guy just doesn't want to flat-out say "I'm Just Not That Into You." So instead, he does goofy stuff that doesn't make any sense.

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