Need Some Advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2005
Need Some Advice
85
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 2:16am

I had been talking to this guy from an online dating site and we decided to meet last weekend. Well, the date seemed to go well. We met for drinks and talked for hours and he wanted to do something after we left the restaurant, but it was late and not much was open. He said that he definitely wanted to go out with me again. When we were leaving the restaurant he was hugging me and holding my hand and told me that I was very pretty. He was acting interested. Well, it has been nearly 6 days now and he hasn't called. I was thinking that maybe I should just call him and tell him that I head a nice time last week, but don't know if I should. I am a little confused right now because when we met he was acting interested and I expected to hear from him by now. Has this happened to anyone else? What should I do? I really thought that this guy had some potential and I am very disappointed right now.

Thanks

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2006
Sat, 02-24-2007 - 3:53am

"Appears you are also another user who is taking advantage of this woman (and probably mainly for sex). Don't you think you should have found out about some of those things you didn't agree on BEFORE you jumped in bed with her?? Just another case of game playing. Hopefully, she will dump you before you dump her."
__________________

Yes, just another evil man. With that kind of worldview, is it any wonder that's all you see? You're convinced that we (men) are all sleazy dogs- is it a surprise that you see us all that way?

To be blunt, she wanted sex before me. And the things I'm finding about how we differ are not things that can be found out quickly; they take time. Which is the point of dating, you see- you do it so you can find out if you're compatible with someone.

True, perhaps we wound up sleeping together too soon. Some people are fine with it on the first few dates; some people wait until they're married; and the rest of us are typically somewhere in between. I'm in between. She is too. Sorry if that's too soon for you.

What would you suggest? Not sleeping with someone until we're engaged, or married? What timeline is acceptable in your world? Well, you live that way, the rest of us will live our way, and hopefully we'll find our way to happiness.

She's a grownup. She can decide whether or not to have sex with me all on her own. She knows where I'm at and how I'm feeling- it's not a games-playing thing. Part of HJNTIY involves the female taking responsibility for HER own actions (in fact, it's most of it) and making her own decisions instead of blaming things on the guy. She does that; don't try and suggest that simply because I'm not enirely sure I want to marry this girl I'm somehow using her for sex.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2006
Sat, 02-24-2007 - 4:00am

"I think many men are ambivalent and don't know what they want or they lie about wanting a relationship and instead just want sex. Some people are mentally unstable. I do think that alot of men play games."
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Well, like I said, I think you're wrong, and I think that as a guy, I'm a tad more qualified to say why/how guys think/act than you are. When it comes to women, I'll happily defer to your judgement. :)

I'll say this much, though- it sounds to me as though the guy simply wasn't into YOU. And you don't like that. I don't blame you; it hurts to be into someone and have them essentially reject you. But that's the point of dating, isn't it?

There's really four potential states of being for a couple who are dating.

1) He's into her, she's into him.
2) He's into her, she's not into him.
3) He's not into her, she's into him.
4) He's not into her, she's not into him.

Now, it takes varying amounts of time to figure this out. Sometimes it's the first date; within a minute or two you know right away that this isn't the right person. Sometimes it's several dates, and sometimes people break up right before they're supposed to get married.

So let me ask you this- before you and he have been able to really think about it and decide, what is wrong with him being on a date with you and being interested in you, listening to you, complimenting you, and talking about a potential second (third, fifth, ninth, whatever) date?

How is he supposed to act? Bored? Halfway curious, but not really into you? What level of paying attention is reasonable and what is games-playing?

The point here is that you went out with a guy and he later decided he's not into you. You think that since he ACTED like he was during the date he's some kind of gamesplayer. I think he just decided he's not into you and by coming to that decision so soon and demonstrating it to you through his actions, he did you a great favor.

Now you can move on. Why waste time/energy worrying about it? Odds are that MOST of the men in the world aren't going to like you or want you, just like MOST of the women in the world aren't going to like me. (I know this is true because I've asked many of them out!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2005
Sat, 02-24-2007 - 4:00am

It is very unfair to say that when women act interested one minute and not the next we are playing games, but when men are doing it they are not. This seems judgemental towards women. Every woman is different and does things for different reasons. I also think that every man is different, so how can you speak for all men. Why do you persist with this belief that you can speak for all men. I have dated men that act and think completely different from one another. No two men or women are the same.

Karalyn

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2006
Sat, 02-24-2007 - 4:08am

"And as to the posts that say that if a guy is not ready for a relationship that not even the perfect woman will make him change his mind? That's hooey. It happens all the time. Guys want relationship just as much as women do for the most part. You see plenty of posts out here from women of "My b/f of 3 years and I broke up and now he's engaged after onlyt 2 months of dating this chick!" The reason? Chances are, first girl was not the one and second girl IS the one and he knew it right away."
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Amen, and exactly. It's a huge ego blow to discover that your ex hooked up with someone new so quickly and BANG they're engaged and deliriously happy, because what it means is obvious; when they said "I'm not really ready to get married" what they meant was "I don't want to marry YOU".

For whatever reason, this bugs women a lot more than men. Men know perfectly well that most women aren't a match, because as a general rule men have been asking girls out since middle school. That's just how it works- men ask, women decide.

Since, as a general rule, men do the asking, that means that the vast majority of the time it's the men who get rejected, too. All this practice at getting rejected means that guys often deal with it better than women (the creepy stalker guys are, thankfully, a pretty rare exception to this rule).

Think of it- how many times do you hear or see guys complaining about this endlessly to their pals? I'm a guy and I almost NEVER see it. Guys just say something stupid like "she's probably a lesbian" and move on, even though they know that it's because the woman just didn't like something about him- his looks, his car, his money, his personality, whatever.

Women, on the other hand, will obsess on this junk endlessly with their girlfriends. "What's wrong with me, what's wrong with him, he lied, he's playing games, he said he doesn't want to get married and now he's engaged, blah blah blah."

There's lots of things that guys aren't good at, but this is one area we're better than women. Think of it this way- in those middle-school or jr high relationships, remember how hard the girls would work to interest a boy? And the boy had to do the asking, and then the girl had all the power to say yes or no? How often did the girl ask the boy to be her boyfriend (usually via written note passed by best friends)?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2006
Sat, 02-24-2007 - 4:10am

"For a guy to act one way for a length of time and then "change his mind" for no reason is very immature on any level--jr. high behavior at best."
___________

This is a ridiculous thing to say, and suggests that the only people who are allowed to change their mind partway into a relationship are the women.

Sorry, but it's the 21st century calling, and they want you to wake up and smell the Starbucks! Women make their own decisions and to blame a guy for "changing his mind" and saying it's juvinile is just flat-out silly.

So in your world, should a guy never ask a woman out unless he's ready to marry her?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2005
Sat, 02-24-2007 - 4:13am

I really don't think that you are qualified to speak for all men HJNTIY. Basically according to you every man and woman wants a relationship and this is just not true. I was making the point that sometimes people just want to go out and have fun and date different people, but not get into a relationship at that time. Are you telling me this is not true? What makes you the authority? What is your agenda pushing this book on this board. It is great that you like the book, but not everyone has to agree with you or the book. I really don't think that it is very helpful advice to post to every woman that has a problem with men that He's Just Not That Into You.

Karalyn

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2006
Sat, 02-24-2007 - 4:17am

"That's the whole "next girl wins" thing--once a guy gets to that point, the next woman he meets who fits his criteria is the one he'll get serious with. But until he gets to that point, no one is going to be right for him to get serious with because he's not ready."
__________

I think you are wrong. It's just that SHE wasn't the one for him.

Guys get married at all ages, in all kinds of situations. I had a roommate once who I thought would NEVER get married; he was the ultimate bachelor guy. We shared a house with two other guys- four bedroom joint, each of us had a room, total early 20's bachelor pad.

And BANG. He met a girl, brought her back home for what we figured was a one-night stand, and within a couple of months he moved out and they were married within a year of meeting. Now they've got three sons, married 12 or 14 years or something, and a house in the burbs.

He was totally NOT ready for a wife or anything; he was going to be like the rest of us and goof off, play poker and watch porn and drink way too much beer and so forth; but when he met the right woman, that was the end. Had nothing to do with ordering his life and everything to do with meeting his soul mate.

What you're saying is merely rationalization for women who can't handle the fact that they just weren't the right one. Sorry, but that's what I believe. It's not a matter of "next girl wins"; it's a matter of "the RIGHT girl wins".

I'll use myself as an example; I've been ready and wanting to be married for some time, but I've met several gals who seemed to meet the criteria... and we just haven't had that ultimately great connection. So- move on.

One girl I was engaged to, but that didn't work out; one girl started freaking out when I started talking serious, LTR, let's talk about if we got married kind of things, so I know it's not me being a committment-phobe. Girl now, well, hard to say; we fit in many ways but there's those problem areas. Another few months, we'll know.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2005
Sat, 02-24-2007 - 4:21am
That's ridiculous. You don't know if someone is for you right away. If you feel this right away it is usually infatuation not love. It takes time to get to know somebody enough to know if they are the one for you. Love takes time to develop.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2006
Sat, 02-24-2007 - 4:22am

"And he tries to tell himself - "You moron! Why can't you love her? She's awesome! The relationship is good! The sex is great! You SHOULD love this woman!" So he hangs on either to see if it can work out or for the security or because it's easier to just stay where he is."
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Have you been spying on me? :)

She DOES rule. I should love her, because she IS awesome. She got sick and I took her some noodles and nyquil, and then when she gave me the same cold she did the same for me- and took the dog out and cleaned up and did a bunch of other stuff. She is a great woman.

I'd like to think that I'm a pretty decent guy (now, anyway) but just because she rules and I'm pretty good doesn't mean we're a match for one another. And I *am* trying to work it out; if it doesn't work, it doesn't work, but at least I've given it a good shot and tried in an honest way.

And luckily, neither of us beats the other person, so we've got THAT going for us. ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2006
Sat, 02-24-2007 - 4:26am

"Timing is a lot of it, and I still say a woman could be a perfect 10 and meet his criteria and everything and if he has issues (whatever going on in his life, unfinished feelings about last relationship, etc., etc.) it doesn't matter, the guy is not going to be with anyone. I've seen this happen first-hand a number of times."
___________

You and Sheri are sweethearts, but you're both wrong. Honestly, it makes me wonder- do women pick a guy based on whether or not he meets their criteria? Is that the filter you all use? Because while guys are more visually motivated, when it comes to marrying we pick based on whether or not someone fits us and we love them, not whether they simply meet some list of predetermined criteria.

Frankly, if guys only wanted someone that meets their criteria, no woman uglier than Cindy Crawford would get married, because that kind of super-unrealistic criteria is in every guy's head. But instead, we meet Ugly Betty, but we fall madly for her, and BANG we want her to marry us. :)

Women blame all kinds of things on all kinds of reasons (unresolved issues, something going on in his life, etc etc etc), but most of the time it was just that the guy didn't like them. That's how it goes.

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