Need Some Opinions

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Need Some Opinions
7
Wed, 08-13-2003 - 9:13am
I met a guy on Match.com in April. We actually started dating in May. At that point, we had a discussion on what we wanted out of it. At that point he said he wasn't sure he wanted 'more than we have now' which was we agreed not to see other people and we're intimate. He asked what I wanted and I said I wanted a relationship. He said he had to think about that since he hadn't had another serious relationship since his engagement ended about a year before. He wasn't sure he was ready for a relationship. At that point we hadn't met eachothers friends yet.

Fast forward to now. Now, I am spending every weekend at his house - he lives 1.5 hr drive away. He has met my friends and I have met his several times. We don't go out alot but he's a home body, but we do go out to dinner or for a drink or to play pool occasionally.

My family lives 1000 miles away, and though they have never met him, they know about him by name. His family, lives 15 mins from him, and I haven't met them and to my knowledge doesn't know about me. A couple of times now when i've been there for the weekend, he has gotten a call from his Mother and turned around and told me he's going to lunch at his mom's he'll be back in an hr. Another time he told me at 11am on saturday as we're lying in bed that he has to be at his parents at 12:30am for his sisters bday lunch!! This past Saturday he pulled the "Momma called and i'm going to lunch.." thing and of course expected me to wait. We had a huge blow out where I was crying and felt like trash because I wasn't good enough to go with him or be invited. He said he's just not ready to have me meet them yet. It's a big deal. But I will meet them eventually. I'm really bothered by that. I'm bothered by the fact they don't know about me, and i'm bothered that he's not 'ready' for me to meet them. Why the heck not?? I told him that if this is just a sex thing then lets get that out there so we're not fooling ourselves. He said that's not it. He's just not ready. He went to lunch. Came back. Brought me left overs and spent the rest of the weekend doing little things to make it up to me. But the whole time I felt like i'm not important to him...

Am I being unreasonalble here? I feel like saying i'm having some really big issues with it and you need to tell them I exist ... I need some advice on how to handle this situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Wed, 08-13-2003 - 9:25am
Ok, the first thing that popped in my head when I read, "he brought me leftovers", was DOES HE THINK YOU ARE HIS DOG? Im sorry, but you have every reason to be upset. To tell you the truth, if he said he was going to lunch with his family, or whoever, you should have said, "WEll, I am going home, call me some time." End of discussion. He is there with you, and you came to see him, and he is going to leave to meet family???? NO! That is wrong!! He is totally disrespecting you, and by not inviting you makes it very clear he has no intention of introducing you anytime soon. That would piss me off and you have every reason to be upset.

I know he has made it clear he does not want anything serious, so you should simply back off and start moving on. If he sees he is ready at some point, then get back into the motion of dating him seriously. I would not sleep with him anymore, I would not go see him every weekend. This man has made it very clear he is not looking for anything serious, and if you are in agreement, then you should definitely know better than to dedicate your time to him. He is treating you badly. Point blank and if I were you, I would not tolerate it any longer.

If you two are friends, then why can he not invite you to these lunches?? What is the big deal? Is he wanting serious and does not know how to approach it with you? Is he scared? I do not get it. I think he is being very disrespectful to you, even as a friend, or as a potential girlfriend. Either way, he is wrong and I would distance myself immediately until he knows what he wants. I think you want more, but he doesnt, so you should move on if you can. Goodluck and I am really sorry this man cannot see how wonderful you are. He may not be the one for you. SO, try and find some other activities to occupy your time now, to distance yourself. It will help. hugs!


gail:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Wed, 08-13-2003 - 10:04am
Gail --

I honestly think that he was trying to be nice by bringing me lunch. He stopped and got me a diet coke (which I drink) to go with it. I told him it was wrong for him to do that and he said he won't do it again. He said he didn't think about it and how it would look that way to me that i'm just some girl for sex that can't meet anyone. He made it clear 2 months ago he didn't know what he wanted but he would let me know what he decided. He never actually said anything. He has displayed in little ways that he he cares and I think he is taking his time. One of his comments to me was "I don't know if I have another disaster in me." He was really hurt the last time. I feel that if I pull away completely that I am going to sabatoge what could have some potential. I don't think i'm willing to distance myself too much. I am though not going to hang out anymore while he's off doing something else. Those days are over. I just want to have him know that the fact that his family doesn't know I exist, is a problem for me. I have a friends wedding to go to in Sept. I am thinking of telling him that I don't even want him to go and i'm taking someone else..to show that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-13-2003 - 11:22am
I don't think it's about reasonable/unreasonable just incompatible goals - from the beginning he was honest with you about what he wanted and he never made a statement to the contrary - yes he invited you to meet his friends but I am not sure how important his friends are to him. Had it been me, the minute he said in the beginning that he didn't want anything serious would have been the last time I saw him - and I would have silently thanked him for being so honest. In my personal experience when a man wants something serious with me he brings me home to his family early on - my last boyfriend - it was three months because they live in the midwest - he brought me there for passover for 5 days. My current boyfriend - we started casually dating the last day of March and I met his mother memorial day weekend, and met about 20-30 members of his extended family starting several weeks later. I have never really asked him why he wants me to but we have had many many discussions about marriage and timing for engagement and children, where to live, finances, etc - all that is important to me and to him - while I do not blame you for feeling icky about the family thing - I would too - it is not like he was dishonest with you - to him meeting the family means you two are a potentially long term item and he is not there yet - ask him if he thinks he will be there and when he thinks that - ask him if he thinks he could see himself dating for more than a year without being engaged (as a specific question) - I personally would back off, stop having sex and if you want to continue dating, once or twice a month, tops. I am sorry this has happened and I do know how you feel - I have been there!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-13-2003 - 11:24am
I think he needs to see what life is like without you so pulling away could be beneficial for both of you. I would tell him as far as the wedding that you are going to take a friend - don't try to make him jealous - since you don't think it is appropriate, given your status, to bring him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Wed, 08-13-2003 - 11:57am
Ok, nikki....you know what is best and yes you are in the situation, not me. I agree. I know it is hard for you to distance yourself from him and I know you have shared some great moments with him, but I just hate to see you wait around on someone that is not even ready to comitt to someone as great as you. I understand what you saying and I do apologize for coming off mean about him. I just look at it from my side and think of how disrespectful it seemed to leave you at his house while he brought you leftovers. You had came to see him and he did this. SO, I am glad to know he says he will not do that again and you are not going to sit around while he does. That is very wise. As far as the wedding goes, I thnk you know what is best there. You are smart and will find the balance in all this. I do wish you the best and hope this boy wakes up and sees what a wonderful girl he has in front of him before it is too late. hugs.

gail;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Wed, 08-13-2003 - 2:10pm
Gail -- I didn't think you were being harsh and sorry if I sounded harsh in my reply to you. I know what you're saying. I just can't help but feel that what he said two months ago, and what he expresses though actions now are two different things. He's not the type to verbalize everything so I guess I thought (still do to a point) he was just going with the flow and it was growing into something more serious. I made assumptions I shouldn't of.

Deena - You're right, he probably needs to know what it's like without me. He's about to learn. I'm not going to be as available as I was before.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Wed, 08-13-2003 - 3:00pm
Good for you Nikki. Sounds as if you know exactly what you need to do. Pats you on the bacl. Goodluck hon and here some cyber hugs.

Gail:)