need your advise pls..interesting!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2005
need your advise pls..interesting!!
5
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 10:44pm

Hello Everyone,

I have been chatting with a guy for almost three months now (we are from different cultures). From our conversations, I found him so decent with great manner, and is a deep thought person. This is my very first time I feel I have someone to contact to. Mostly our chat is very clean, serious talk and hardly get into dirty. And the problem is here: after we decide to work things out, he wants to come and meet me. I am talking about america and asia. And he asked me if we would stay together when he comes that would make his trip completed. And he wont all the way to come here if he is not considering me as his life partner. And he would like to have sex with a woman before marrying her since sex communication is part of important things. But he will still respect a woman if she is not ready for having sex with him.

Since this is my first time to know someone online like that..the questions i have here:

1. I suddendly doubt about this man. He wants to take this long trip to come here is for me or just for having sex with me?

2 Is having sex with a online girlfriend part of importance to a man when he comes to visit her? Trying to prove if this girl is real or just a game player?

3. I need your advise what i should deal with this guy! I am getting little bit confused!

thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 11:33pm

I usually dont believe in Long distance relationships but if he is willing to come and see you there is no harm in meeting him in a public place. It is always a good experience. Sleeping at your place should not be an option. He should understand without you explaining to him.
You dont know him for all we know he could be a criminal or a psycho ... so dont take chances, ask him to book in a hotel or motel if he is on a budget and meet him and spend the time with him in public only.
No decent man who has never met you in real life should talk to you about having sex! you havent met for heavens sake! This is a big red flag. I personally would not meet him at all but if you feel you invested 3 months to know the person and want to see how he looks and how the 2 of you connect, then meet him but be careful and dont trust him blindly.

If this guy is looking for sex only sometime soon he will bring up cyber SEX. so the trip to see you is just an excuse to open a new cyber channel with you!
keep us posted

PS: I dont belive that cultural differences are a bad thing on the contrary they enriche the relationship. But beware of stereotypes and those who believe in them. Some Eastern people think Western women are easy. Some Western men think Eastern women are submissive. so make sure to clear up the stereotypes in his mind if he has any!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Thu, 06-29-2006 - 12:39am

I can't address the "online relationship" part, but I wanted to mention that a lot of men do not have a lot of respect for a woman who will sleep with men before marriage, especially on first meeting.

I will also say that "We need to go to bed first to see if we are compatible" is the oldest "line" in the book.

If this guy comes, he should stay at a hotel and you should not meet him except in public places or with friends/family. Have him show you his passport and other identification. Make sure he really is who he says he is.

I work with a lot of international people and I have Asian friends. Whether he is Asian and you American or vice-versa, don't let him talk you into sex before you know him well in person.

(Edited after I re-read the original message which I had not quite understood initially.)




Edited 6/30/2006 12:01 am ET by elarisa
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2004
Thu, 06-29-2006 - 9:25am

Be careful.

I don't think it's appropriate for him to ask you that kind of question. If he can afford to come and visit you, he should be able to find a hotel/motel to stay (unless he's super cheap, and you don't want that type of man anyway).

With all due respect to you, most Asian women (I'm Asian as well) anxious to leave their own countries and would do "anything" to satisfy the men with the hope for a better future. There's nothing wrong with that. Just be careful.

I have a girl friend (she lives in China), had an intimate relationship with a man when he first visited her (she met him "online"). He visited her ONCE!!! He promised her the paradise. She's still waiting for him for the last 6 years. They email back and forth but nothing happens, his excuses are all stupid but she believes him. If he's sincere, she would be in US in 8-12 months. To me, it was his vacation....all bills paid.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Thu, 06-29-2006 - 11:00am

Hi and welcome to the board!

heather 5-18-10
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2005
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 12:46pm

Hello, everyone,

Just wanna say million thanks for all of your reply and suggestions. They all are great and helpful. His visit is in end of July though. I will try to keep you all updated!

Thanks again! You guys are very supportive! I am happy to be here!