Need your opinion. Am I over reacting?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Need your opinion. Am I over reacting?
5
Thu, 06-19-2003 - 10:59am
Hello Everyone,

Looking for some advice here. I just found out recently that my husband pays for porn on IFriends. I don't think I mind about him looking at porn but I went onto the site and you watch women on their web cams and chat with them while you watch. I tried to talk to my husband about this but he keeps on telling me to drop it. He is trying to tell me that he doens't chat. I feel like my nerves are eating a whole in my stomach. I feel like the reason why he won't tell me the truth is because he feels like I am violating our trust. But how does he expect me to feel ok with this chatting? I know that he would never cheat on me with another women but in my opinion I feel like he is having an emotinal affair with these women that he chats with. Am I crazy? I tried to talk to him this morning and I told him that I wouldn't care but I feel like I am missing out on his sexual side. I mean what if there is something out there that he likes in bed and he isn't telling me. Our sex life is great. I mean we are like bunnies. But ever since I found out I can't stop thinking about it. Everytime he goes upstairs to go online I find myself going upstairs to find out what he is doing. I feel like that I am obsessed with it now. He keeps on telling me that I do not trust him. I do trust him though I just don't think he is telling me that complete truth ya know?

So can anyone out there please let me know if I am over reacting. Am I stressing over nothing. I know that 95% of men look at porn but should I be conserned with him chatting with over Women? Any insight?

Help me get over this please,

Jen

JPAKAJR-0907.jpg picture by JenRhodes

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Thu, 06-19-2003 - 11:10am
Well, let me say welcome first of all. On another note, pornography in itself can be addictive. Being on line can also become an addiction. Whether he is chatting with others is really irrelevant. Does he have a problem with porn, or simply being on line? If he cannot tell you the honest truth about what he is doing, then yes he is lying and you have a reason not to trust him. Remind this husband of yours, that to be in a heatlhy marriage you need to be honest. IF he is talking with other women or men for that matter, then if it is harmless there should be no reason why he cannot include you. So, you tell him that. He needs to talk to you. YOu seem to be open about it which is noble of you, considering most wives would have not allowed it in their homes. You should tell him he needs to appreciate that you are so open to it, and if he isnt lying or hiding things from you, then you wont loose trust. Once trust is lost, Respect will be the next to go in a marriage. Tell him he should be open to you, as any husband that loves their wife would be!

Goodluck!! I hope it gets better for you. Keep us posted!!@

Gail :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Thu, 06-19-2003 - 11:42am
Hello,

I am a very open person. I just wish that he would understand where I am coming from. He keeps on telling me that I don't trust him but I do. I love him so much and just want him to acknowledge to me that he is doing it. Instead of lying to me about it. He calls me a snooper b/c I want to know what is going on. And he keeps on saying why can't you trust me. I said to him this morning that I am going to find someone else to talk to about this and he said ya ok. Now what you said about if it is harmless he should include me, what if he uses the excuse I need my time alone. I mean at Ifriends those women are being paid to chat with you so I know that it isn't anything too serious ya know? I mean if he really was having an emotional affair with a lady online I think that he wouldn't pay for it everytime he goes on.

I am a good person who is very accepting of other people's ideal of fantasy etc.

But I just don't know what to do if he won't even talk to me about it. I just feel like he doesn't want to hear my opinions on the matter. Like he thinks that I would ban him from looking at porn or something. I feel so bad for venting but at the same time I think that the more I talk about the more prepared I will be later. Thanks for welcoming me to the board. First time I came to this board. I just know that if communication goes everything else will go too. BLAH BLAH BLAH. I feel like I am writing a novel. Sorry for rambling on and on.

Thanks again,

Jen

JPAKAJR-0907.jpg picture by JenRhodes

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Thu, 06-19-2003 - 11:54am
Oh, JEN ramble if you need to girl. We all do sometimes. I am guilty of it every post. lol

Let me say this about this last post. You say what if he says he needs time alone, well cant he go play golf or take up a new hobby, like something that is more positive for the body, mind and soul. What ever happend to taking a holiday with your wife?

I say he could be doing something he is not supposed to. Let me say this as well, men will pay to cheat honey. That doesnt mean a thing. They will pay for their lovers rent, car, new clothes, and take them to dinner. First of all, the issue is this: Why cant he talk to you about this? What is it abou this that is so secretive?

There are some deeper issues with him if he cant tell you about this Ifriends. I think I have heard about this too! Yeh, you look at other cams and pics and stuff. It doesnt cost too much, but it can add up. I think he should spend time alone in a cheaper way!!!

First of all, it is your business since you are his wife and any money he is spending, is your concern! Tell him that. Explain to him, that you trust him, but he is making it harder and harder, since he is hiding this from you. He is being very childish and could have a potential problem with porno. I would try and get really serious about this and let him know if he continues to ignore the topic it will only make things worse between you two.

Ask him if there is something more bothering him since he feels he has no privacy and he needs to be alone? Does he go out anymore? does he have friends?

How long have you two been married? how old are you both?

You should sit down and have a heart to heart. Playing these games with I need time crap is not going to cut it for too much longer. He either needs to open up, or cut the computer off. I would stop the service if he didnt talk to me about it. YOu two are married for crying out loud, how much privacy does the man need? Porno, is not time alone. That is an addiction in my book.

Just my opinion, but I am glad you feel you need to talk about it. You are coming from a healthy point in this whole thing. You want to talk about how he is making you feel and there is nothing wrong with it. Tell him that. Just let him know , "this is how i feel when you do this" and see what he says. maybe you two need to get away together and have some couple time.

Gail

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-19-2003 - 12:54pm
Nope, not overreacting at all. I don't mind if an SO of mine watches porn, but I draw the line at any sort of live interraction, whether online, by phone or whatever.

If I were in your situation, I'd let him know that you're ok with "regular" porn, but his behavior in going on to any site that has live interraction is not acceptable. If he continues to do it anyway, knowing that, then you have to make a decision about whether you can stay in a marriage where he disrespects your needs.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Thu, 06-19-2003 - 12:59pm
That is a really good ideal. I wouldn't mind if he included me in the conversations. I mean I am a freak of nature too in some ways but I want to be included. But I don't like that fact that he is talking to me about it. I am so bent over the whole situation.

I will keep all of you posted and more than likely write him an email so he can not plug his ears and hum. LOL He trys to be charming about it. I really love him so much and this is the only thing that bothers me. I hate feeling obsesseed about he situation but if he would only talk to me about in a open way I would feel better about it.

Rambling I am.

Thanks,

Jen

JPAKAJR-0907.jpg picture by JenRhodes