Needing advice from you all!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2006
Needing advice from you all!
15
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 9:02pm
I met a guy online and so far, everything has been great. We've been dating for 1 1/2 months, and I really have no complaints. We get along well, have great chemistry, have alot in common, he's got a good head on his shoulders...blah, blah, blah. BUT....I just found out the other night that he's still on the dating sites looking at girls and "bookmarking" some into his favorites. When confronting him with this, he said that it's just been a habit for so long (looking at profiles on dating sites), that he's continued it even though we're dating. But says it means nothing. He said he hasn't contacted any of these girls (and from his match.com email, he hadn't). He says it's just a habit and puts girls into his favorites list because "just in case we don't work out" and also for the fact that we've only been going on 1 1/2 months. Am I overreacting, or do you all think this guy is taking me for a ride???

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 9:09pm
That seems to be one of the unfortunate things about OLD, that I've seen. Guys that continue to search the sites and continue to think "just in case things don't work out." In MY OWN opinion, if you're in a relationship with someone, and you've made a commitment to eachother, there should be no more searching, even if it is only after a month and a half. If someone wants the relationship they're in to work out, then they will put what they have into it, and not have a "back up" plan. Trying to enjoy the relationship right then is the only plan, in my opinion.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 9:22pm

While I think ihis excuse is a little suspect (and upsetting - in case it doesn't work out?!?

heather 5-18-10
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2006
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 8:01am

Yes, we agreed a month and a half ago to be exclusive. He's "telling" me that he's online looking at profiles however, out of sheer habit and not because he's looking to date someone right now. And then he said (after I told him I saw he was bookmarking people) that he "guesses" he's doing it just in case we don't work out. The more I think about it, I think this is very disrespectful to me. Profiles on dating services will always be up there to look at. I don't see why he can't put that on hold for now and then if we don't work out, he can go back to searching. But it's very unsettling that he's continuing his search after he's agreed to be exclusive with me. His excuse is that we're too new into this relationship...and sees that he's doing nothing wrong. I'm planning on probably breaking things off between us because I no longer feel secure.

Thank you for your post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2006
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 8:10am
Thanks for your comments. I agree 100% with what you said. I can't see that someone is giving it their all when they are still searching. Even though he's not contacting anyone at this point, who's to say someone isn't going to really catch his eye, and he will contact them...?? I'm not looking to get my heart broken again, and this situation seems to hold too much potential for that!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2005
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 8:27am

If you guys are not sexually active, and have been dating 1-1/2 months, then it's obvious where you stand since he is keeping his options open -- just in case you guys don't work out! Personally, I would take heed to what he states and would continue to date others and limit the time you spend with him.

If you are sexually active, and there was a discussion about exclusivity; the possibly this so-called great guy with great chemistry, have alot in common, blah, blah, blah, is not interested in cultivating a relationship and is enjoying the benefits of you at the same time still searching. Personally, I would dump him -- being in a relationship feeling insecure wouldn't work for me. Dealing w/temptation is one thing; but him jumping online and bookmarking opens the door for problems.

I'm not sure where you are, meaning if you are looking for a relationship or just interested in "hooking up" but make the decision if you are willing to deal with his "habit"! Personally it's all BS to me!!




Edited 3/23/2006 9:31 am ET by tstephnic
Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 9:30am

Some of this may not apply since I don't have the full picture, so take it all for what it's worth, one person's reaction...


So first of all I'm confused, can you clarify something? In your first post you said: "We've been dating for 1 1/2 months" but in another post you said "we agreed a month and a half ago to be exclusive." So which is it?


Can you explain how the "exclusive" talk came up - who brought it up, when, and how much specific discussion was there about what "exclusive" means??


Guys (in general) don't agree to limit their options until they've gotten to know a woman and know they want to pursue the relationship. A LOT of times it's a simple misunderstanding of words. Like maybe he agreed not to date anyone else, but how can you ask him to stop looking? Did you specifically discuss
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2005
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 9:44am

No, you're not over-reacting and yes, it is possible he may be taking you for a ride.


This is one of the many problems inherent with OLD...the habit forming factor and ADD guys. I've been

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Registered: 07-21-2004
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 9:54am
Oops, I responded before I read the rest of the posts.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2005
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 11:09am
Sorry to hear that. That must be pretty disappointing. Yeah, I think he's taking you for a ride. 1.5 months is long enough to know if you either want to date others or be exclusive. does he have *that* much of an addiction that he cant stop looking. if he is extrememly in to you, he wouldnt be interested in searching for others. I dont' think it makes a difference that he hasnt actually emailed them yet. Him saying "incase we dont work out" is a self fulfilling prophecy. I would let him know that its over. I once put up with a guy doing that half-and-half thing with me, one foot in and one foot out. It sorta starts to chip away at you as time goes by and you become more emotionally attached to him. Then you look back on it and can only blame yourself for staying in the situation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 11:46am

I agree with PM here.


First, I'm confused too.

heather 5-18-10

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